


When You Wage War on the Grimm Queen (Again?)

by Arosz



Category: RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-08-10 23:24:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16464323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arosz/pseuds/Arosz
Summary: It was an accident that brought Weiss, Yang, Blake, and Ilia to the past and they weren't too happy about it. But hey, they've learned to take advantage of unfortunate, completely avoidable situations in the past (future?). Why would it be any different just because it was time-travel this time?





	1. Prologue: Damn it, life. I don't need a vacation!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own RWBY...duh
> 
> "Because everyone loves simul-posting! (I'm gonna die.)" ~ ARC
> 
> Heya all viewers! First of all, thanks for reading! Second, I'm Arosz and I'm trying out posting on archiveofourown. It'll be a little experiment between this and Fanfiction.net!

At age 29, Weiss Schnee was so jaded that most people triple her age (which was 87, for those that didn't care to do the math) couldn't even begin to compare. Of course, it was to be expected when she'd been through hell and back and killed the divine entity known as 'Salem' for revenge of all things. ...It wasn't worth it. But raging at Salem? Definitely worth it.

Salem was a mixed bag and Weiss wasn't a fan of talking about it. In fact, she usually threw some Grimm summons at anyone who asked (the reporters tended to avoid her now).

Actually, she didn't like talking about most things that happened to her between the age of 17 and 25...or between the age of 10 and 16. Okay, so Weiss didn't like talking about herself much. At all.

The point was, 29 year old Weiss Schnee was a jaded individual with a busy schedule who didn't have the time for ridiculous concepts such as 'vacations'.

She ended up on a vacation. Or to be more exact, she had been forced on a vacation. Something or another about 'overworking herself', 'almost dying from exhaustion', and 'stupid idiot'.

Her friends were just misguided. Yeah, they probably wanted to kidnap her again. That was definitely it.

The fact that she spent a week in the hospital had  _nothing whatsoever_ to do with…quote on quote 'needing a vacation'. Those highly educated doctors with PhDs and 20+ years of experience clearly had absolutely no idea what they were talking about!

Well, who cares what they think? If she was banned from doing her  _actual and very important job_ , she may as well become a Huntress again for the week. Yes, a week-long Huntress. That sounded good. It's been a while anyways.

"...You're supposed to be on vacation," was the first thing Blake said to her. They were riding the elevator.

Weiss had somehow found herself at Beacon Academy. While it was very nostalgic, Weiss wasn't the type to indulge in the past. Glynda wanted to see her for a mission, that's all. Sure, she could have declined but...okay, maybe she was feeling a tiny bit nostalgic.

"I  _am_ on vacation," Weiss told Blake.

"Is that why you've come to Beacon fully armed in Huntress gear?" asked Blake, one eyebrow raised.

"I'm on vacation, so I'm working as a Huntress for the week."

Anywho, Blake herself was wearing Huntress gear. She had on a white high-collared battle uniform with long sleeves. Blake usually wore long-sleeves. It helped with making her missing right arm less noticeable. A belt was strapped around her waist and Gambol Shroud was stored on its back. She wore black pants and thigh-high boots. A pouch was on her left leg.

Yang banged her head against the wall. "That's...that's just sad, Weiss. You need to get a life. Seriously."

Yang's outfit was a lot more...revealing than Blake's. Her heavy duty tan leather coat hadn't been zipped, showing off her yellow tank top and impressive abs among...other things. The sleeves were rolled up, leaving her metal arm and Ember Celica in the open. Long flowing tails came off the coat, creating an admittedly cool atmosphere around Yang. She wore dark pants and tan leather boots. A belt with way too many pouches and a red cloth hanging off finished the look.

"I  _do_ have a life," Weiss said. She was half trying to convince herself. " _Ahem_. Anyways, why are you guys here?"

"Mission," Blake and Yang responded at the same time.

Weiss nodded. "Huh. Me too."

"We know," Blake and Yang said.

They progressed into not-quite-but-still-kind-of-awkward silence. The three had fought together so long and been through so much that they simply  _couldn't_ be awkward around each other. That didn't mean they didn't have occasional lapses in conversation though.

For a few seconds, the only sound in the elevator was the passionate romantic music playing in the background. The music didn't help.

"How have you two been doing?" Weiss finally asked. "It's been...nearly four months since I last saw the both of you."

They often video called and messaged each other, of course, but that was different.

"Well, definitely a lot better than you, Ice Queen," said Yang. "Seriously, go on a real vacation. Live in the woods for a few days...or a few years. There are literal bags under your eyes."

"What Yang  _means_  is good," Blake said. She nudged Yang.

"Yeah, yeah." Yang swatted away Blake's hand.

"And that's not how you use the word 'literal'," Blake added. She looked at Weiss. "The White Fang's been doing better than before, that's for sure."

"What Blake means is that there's less homicidal maniacs in the organization!" said Yang. She gave a thumbs up. "Which is  _always_ an improvement."

"Hm, I've been trying to get faunus better treatment in Atlas but…" Weiss sighed. "The majority of the other members of the Council like how things are and they want it to stay that way." She snorts. "It makes sense when you take into consideration that most of them are rich old male humans."

"If I was  _working,_ I'd be getting things done at this very moment," she adds.

Yang rolled her eyes. "Here we go again. Do you think 'If I was  _working'_  every time you eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom?" Yang snickered. "I can imagine it! Weiss on the toilet, thinking 'If I was  _w-"_

The elevator doors open. Just in time too. Weiss was about to sic some of her worse Grimm summons on Yang.

The Headmaster's Office received a complete renovation since The End. That was appropriate, considering who the former Headmaster had been. The 'Wheels of Time' look was replaced by a glass dome and some much needed lights. The dark silver walls and floors were painted pearl white.

In Weiss's opinion, this was all for the better. The former office had been ridiculously over the top and edgy. ...Almost as if a certain someone was trying to be 'hip with the young ones'.

Glynda stood right in front of the doors, which lead to the probably false assumption that she really wanted to use the elevator. "Hello," she said.

"Better late than never?" Leaning on the railings was Ilia. She raised a hand in greeting. "Yo."

Weiss was glad they put in railings. Beacon didn't need another 'window free-falling' incident. Luckily, the last and only time had been Yang's fault-and Yang could fly.

Anyhow…"Let me guess, mission?" Weiss asked Ilia.

Ilia was decked in her battle outfit. Well, Ilia was  _always_ decked in her battle outfit, but Weiss decided that she wasn't at Beacon for fun. As always, Ilia had on a sleeveless black leather tailcoat with golden trimmings. Slung diagonally across her torso was a brown utility belt equipped with objects with purposes Weiss didn't want to guess. They'd probably get flagged in any building that wasn't named Beacon. Another belt wrapped around her waist. Two fully loaded sheathes were on each side. And below her waist, she had on grey leather pants and black combat boots.

"No," said Ilia. Weiss blinked. Then Ilia said: "I'm here for fun."

"...You're ditching work again."

"Schnee, you're supposed to be on vacation," Ilia fired back.

"Can people stop telling me that? I  _am_ on vacation." Weiss stormed off the elevator. "Does everyone know? How does everyone know?"

Yang whispered to Blake: "I told everyone."

"Yang, I heard that!"

"Girls, all four of you are here on my orders. Try your best to behave." said Glynda. I'd rather avoid alerting the authorities this time around." She grimaced. "Which means  _no_  Grimm summons,  _no_  practical jokes involving explosions,  _no_  hijacking the security system, and for the love of all things holy,  _no_ fires, tornadoes, ice storms, and/or earthquakes."

"Whoops." Yang sheepishly scratched the back of her head.

Weiss had a lot of regrets. Accidentally turning Yang into a Maiden was definitely somewhere on that list. She could've avoided dealing with over a dozen forest fires. Think of all the trees that were violently murdered!

Glynda whipped her riding crop, which, being quite menacing (and sexy), caught everyone's attention.

"Without further ado, I'll be briefing Team WIYB on today's mission."

Weiss straightened. When a Team Name is mentioned, things got serious.

"...On second thought, just let me show you," decided Glynda, taking the wind out of everyone's sails before things even started.

Ilia and Yang deflated like popped balloons.

A few seconds later (they had trouble fitting everyone in), Weiss found herself in the elevator. Again. Plus two people.

The ride  _was not_ satisfactory. One out of five stars.

"...Glynda, please change the music," Weiss twitched. The instrumental romantic theme  _did not_ turn her on.

"...N-No." At least the headmaster was embarrassed.

"Poor kids," muttered Yang.

"Orrr they make out to the music!" Ilia proposed cheerfully.

"I hope not," said Blake. "There's cameras."

"Sadly," Glynda grumbled.

Blake raised an eyebrow at the top left corner of the elevator. Weiss couldn't see any cameras, but if Blake thought so, there probably was.

The elevator descended at a maddening pace. Though it may have had something to do with the fact that they were traveling from the tallest floor to the lowest floor.

"...Why did you leave position?" Weiss asked Ilia.

Ilia shrugged. "Eh. A person can only take so much undercover work and intelligence gathering before they get really  _really_ bored." She sniffed. "You have  _no idea_ how dull pretending to be a criminal is. Did you know that crime masters spend most of their time thinking up and scrapping evil plans, talking about how amazing they are, and petting their exotic pets?"

"I...uh, no." Weiss admitted. "They have exotic pets?"

"Yeah, usually it's a cat of some kind. Like a tiger or a panther. But if you're lucky, some of them have monkeys," Ilia said. "Anyways, us lackeys are stuck listening to their long, super melodramatic speeches. Trust me, Schnee, when you've listened to one of those, you've listened to them all."

"Huh," said Weiss. "Not to rain on your parade, but you're aware you're complaining to your boss? I have the authority to fire you on the spot."

Ilia snorted and waved a hand. "Nah, first of all, you're my boss's boss's boss. Second, you'd never fire me."

Weiss hated it when Ilia was right. Not that she was going to tell Ilia that. "You never know, Amitola."

"I keep on telling you, you using my last name just isn't as cool as me using your last name."

"Hrm."

With a ping, the elevators opened to Beacon's Underground Vault.

"Let's get to the point," said Glynda. She walked out of the door. " _Something_ has appeared underneath Beacon Academy."

"Something?" asked Weiss.

"A monster?" Yang speculated.

"Mold?" tried Ilia.

Blake hummed. "Ilia, what are you really thinking?"

Ilia sighed. "You're no fun, Blakey. Students have been reported 'suddenly missing' from Beacon Academy. I'm guessing this has something to do with that."

Glynda gestured for them to follow her down the dark corridor. She nodded at Ilia. "That's what I've suspected but...well, you'll see."

Blake and Yang looked at each other. They followed Glynda.

Weiss looked at Ilia. "So that's why you're at Beacon."

Ilia started walking, hands in her pockets. She glanced at Weiss. "You know how I am. Hating losses and all that."

"Hrm."

* * *

"Okay," Yang said slowly. They had reached Glynda's destination. "What the  _fuck_ is that?"

'What the fuck is that' indeed. Floating in the middle of the end of the corridor was a swirling green ball of  _something._ If Weiss had to take a guess, it was an energy of some sort. It looked like a combination of electricity and aura. Every few seconds, it spasmed as if it was a beating heart.

Ilia reached out a hand. Glynda slapped it with her riding crop. "No touching! It draws you in. Why do you think I believe it's responsible for the disappearances?!"

"Ow…" Ilia rubbed her hand. "Please don't tell me you use that at your sexy fun times..." She focused her attention on the ball of energy before Glynda could punish her for her inappropriate comment. " _Anyways_. Yeah, this is some creepy shit. And if it's creepy shit that looks like it's defying science, it's probably magic. Yang? Weiss? Opinions?"

"I'm not feeling the urge to stick my hand in it," said Yang. She frowned. "But the thing  _does_ feel like magic."

"So it is magic," said Blake. She tied her arm behind her back with Gambol Shroud's ribbon and some impressive teethwork. "And it looks like your Maiden powers nullify its effects.

"Ilia, are you okay with the pull?" Blake asked.

Ilia twitched. "Hey, if Glynda survived this long, I can make it." She twitched again.

"...Right," said Blake. She scooted closer to Ilia.

Weiss touched the bandage that covered her right eye. "...I don't like it. Whatever it is, it's giving me a negative reaction."

"In other words, your eye hurts like hell," said Ilia.

"...You can put it that way." 'My eye hurts like hell' wasn't how Weiss wanted to phrase it. It just sounded...not good.

Weiss turned her attention to Glynda. "What have you tried so far with this...unidentified flying object?"

"I've asked Ms. Sustrai for her opinion. She had roughly the same reaction as Ms. Xiao-Long," Glynda said with a tired sigh. " _So_ I attempted using Ozpin's staff to fix the problem. It...well, it didn't work."

The burnt walls agreed.

"Glynda, Ozpin's staff is highly volatile," Blake explained disapprovingly. "You know that."

"I had to try," said Glynda. "After the staff didn't work, I resorted to more...uncivilized solutions. Lasers, explosions, cutting, making a metal container around it, ideas your Team would try."

"Hey, those solutions usually work," Yang said. "But what happened?"

"Everything was sucked in."

"Even the explosions?" Yang looked at the swirling ball. "Cool."

"Not 'cool'...but yes."

Ilia chucked something at the ball of energy. Bolts of lightning shot out, grabbing the object and sucking it in.

"Cool," repeated Yang. "And freaky, but still cool. I want one."

" _No_ ," everyone else automatically said.

"Shit! Those were my keys!" Realization hit Ilia like a brick.

Weiss gave Ilia an unimpressed glance. "The poor keys…"

"That's right, Schnee! Mourn for my keys! They sacrificed their lives for us! How am I supposed to get into my apartment now?!"

Glynda absentmindedly snapped her riding crop. "Moving on, I ran out of options, which forced me to close Beacon down for the time being."

Blake nodded seriously. "Good, good. It didn't take a giant Grimm Dragon and a worldwide communications blackout to come to the decision to shut down the school. Other headmasters should learn from your example, Glynda."

"We can agree on that…" Glynda muttered. She continued: "And as a last resort, I called Ms. Schnee and Ms. Xiao-Long."

"Ay, just because Blake and I can't do magic doesn't make us any less useful." Ilia crossed her arms.

"Technically, it does," said Blake.

"Blake, not helping!" Ilia said through gritted teeth.

"I didn't mean to devalue your importance on the Team," said Glynda. "Your skill set simply wasn't needed."

"I'm here anyways." Ilia pouted. "...And hey, my keys did something."

Yang circled the ball of energy. "I um, I'm not sure what I can do. If Emerald already took a crack at it…" She shrugged.

Weiss unwrapped the bandages covering the right side of her face. With her newly uncovered eye, she looked at the swirling ball.

Blake frowned. "Weiss…"

"What? There's no other option," Weiss snapped. She was famously touchy on the subject-and with good reason. "Sorry...I…"

"It's fine," said Blake. "You're right, of course. Just try not to use it more than you need to." Blake tried to raise a warning hand, then she remembered that she had tied her hand behind her back.

"...hrm." Weiss concentrated. A familiar stinging sensation coursed through her veins. It flared up. "Agh!" Weiss stumbled backwards, covering her eye.

"Weiss!" Yang tensed.

Ilia put a hand on Weiss's shoulder. "You alright there, Schnee?"

"I'm...I'm fine." Weiss straightened and began rewrapping the bandages.

Blake sighed. Her ears twitched in...annoyance? disappointment? Weiss couldn't tell.

She ignored Blake "...It didn't work," Weiss said blandly. "Whatever this is, it isn't made by Dark Magic."

"Which makes it Light Magic," said Ilia. "Joy."

"I hate magic," muttered Glynda.

Weiss shared the sentiment.

"Alright, I've had enough of this ball thing!" Yang punched her hands together. Fire started flaring from her body. "Anything that messes with my Team is going down!"

"Wait-" Blake's eyes widened. "This is stupid, Yang! We should formulate a plan-maybe do some tests- _and then_ try to kill the  _floating ball of unknown magical energy!"_

"You're not a teenager with hyperactivity issues anymore!" she added.

"Nah, Yang's just an adult with hyperactivity issues," said Ilia with a wave of her hand.

" _Not helping, Ilia."_

Glynda had the brains to start discreetly backtracking down the corridor.

"Weiss!" Blake looked at Weiss.

"It's worth a try," Weiss said with a shrug. "What's the worst that could happen?"

Glynda backtracked faster.

"But just to be safe, give Yang some space," decided Weiss.

Blake grumbled something about 'better safe than sorry' and 'don't blame me later'.

"Ay, where are you going, Glynda?" called Ilia.

" _Away,"_ Glynda answered.

Ilia shrugged. "Guess she still doesn't trust us."

"Hrm," Weiss said. "...Repairing half of Beacon couldn't have been cheap. Especially after it was just rebuilt."

"Heheh." Ilia took a few steps away from Yang and the ball of energy.

Weiss and Blake did the same.

"Yahhhhhhh!" Yang released the fire magic she had been building up. It fired (no pun intended...for Weiss anyways) from her fists, shooting straight at the energy ball.

At first, it looked like the ball could handle Yang's power. Lightning shot out, taking the fire in with it.

"Guess it isn't gonna work," commented Ilia.

Then, as if to spite her, the ball flattened and exploded.

Weiss summoned a glyph in an attempt to block the impact. There wasn't any. A blinding green light engulfed her. She closed her eye.

* * *

"Schnee~ Schnee, snap out of it." Weiss was shook by the shoulders.

She forced open her eye. "...What…"

Weiss had to blink a couple of times for the world to stop turning. She felt like she'd been on those drugs Nora liked to smoke behind Ren's back (Ren always found out in the end anyways).

"Great question, Schnee. I've got no answers for you, though." Ilia pulled back.

They were still in the corridor-but the green energy ball was gone. So they fixed the problem. "How long was I out?"

"Well…" Ilia sweatdropped. She looked at Blake for an answer.

"Minus twelve years or so," Blake deadpanned.

Weiss blinked. "Minus twelve-minus-" She blinked again. " _Excuse me?"_

Yang knocked on a person-sized glass cylinder that hadn't been there before. "...So I  _kind of_ messed up."

A dark-skinned girl with short brown hair laid inside the cylinder. Her eyes were closed and one side of her face was heavily scarred.

"Weiss, meet Amber, former Fall Maiden, who is supposed to be very  _very_ dead," said Blake.

"She looks almost dead," commented Ilia. "Buuuut, I'm kinda more worried about why Beacon is hiding a comatosed girl in the basement. Is that a Huntsmen school thing?"

"This is the abridged version," said Blake. She took a deep breath. "Cinder was on her Maiden rampaging spree, she almost got Amber, Qrow saved the day, Ozpin needed Amber alive because Fall Maiden Cinder is not a good thing."

"Oh."

" _And_ during the Fall of Beacon, Amber was murdered by Cinder."

"Huh. So that's why you're thinking time-travel?" Ilia looked at the ground. "Hey, my keys!"

" _Or_ inter-dimensional travel," added Blake. " _Or_ it's all just a hallucination."

Ilia hugged her keys (or tried to, anyhow). "I missed you for the five minutes I lost you!"

"So there's a chance we might just be high on drugs," said Yang. She stopped inspecting Amber. "Nice."

Weiss paced the corridor. She wasn't a fan of some of the implications of 'time-travel', or any of Blake's other hypothesis(es?) for that matter.

"Then the only way to know for sure is to check," decided Weiss.

"But if it  _is_ time-travel, by checking we might create a time-paradox," said Blake. "And the world might end as a result-"

"Not a fan," Yang automatically said.

"-But by checking, we can conclude if we've time-traveled or dimension-traveled. And if this is all just a hallucination, we can't all keep on seeing the same things forever," Blake finished. She paused. "In conclusion, I agree with Weiss."

"...We really need to fix your monologue problem," said Ilia.

"Trust me, she's always like this," Yang told Ilia. "There's no end to it."

Blake's ear twitched. "That's great. Weiss, will you please untie my hand so we can precede?"

"...Try not tying your only arm to your back so often," Weiss advised as she untied Blake.

" _Or,_ I don't know, get a mechanical arm!" Yang exclaimed.

Blake glared. "I've told you  _a million times,_ I'm not getting a mechanical arm!"

"It doesn't hurt!" Yang frowned. "It doesn't usually hurt, anyways"

"I don't care if it hurts or not, it's  _symbolism,_ Yang."

"You're still stuck on that?! Blake, do you see people mutilating themselves for their sins on the street?"

Blake paused. "Well,  _no._ But it's not like I mutilated myself."

"Exactly. Sooooo do your body a favor and get it a nice new arm."

"...I value the meaning behind me, and specifically me, losing an arm," said Blake stubbornly.

"You've got to be kidding me." Yang ran her hands down her face. "Ughhhhh."

"Er, you guys coming or not?" Ilia and Weiss were already at the elevator.

"Coming," said Blake.

Yang muttered to herself about stupid cats.

"Blake," said Weiss. "I agree with Yang. ...What I mean is, it just doesn't make logical sense to-"

A tick mark appeared on Blake's head. "Weiss...there is  _no_ negotiations, especially from you. Ilia, don't even try."

Ilia shut her mouth. "Aw…"

Weiss pressed the elevator button. A few seconds later, the doors opened. Blake took it upon herself to choose which floor their destination should be.

The elevator ascended. Weiss twitched. The romantic tunes Glynda adored (for some awful reason) had been replaced by old rock music played at a volume only Nora could enjoy. ' _YOU HAVE THE TOUCH!~'_ Truly, there was no winning against Beacon's elevators.

"Team SFIR," ordered Weiss, trying her damndest to ignore the elevator music. "Before we can confirm anything."

"I hate that alias…" muttered Blake.

"I love that alias!" chirped Ilia.

"I see what you're doing, Blake" Weiss adds. She shifted. "This...is a horrible idea."

Blake gave a rare smirk. "Please, Weiss. I don't do horrible ideas."

"Really? Your arm disagrees."

"Wha-I thought we  _just_ went over this!"

 _Ding._ Weiss practically skipped out of the elevator.

" _Weiss!_ I get the last word in!" Blake huffed.

"I...was not expecting anymore visitors today." Beacon's Headmaster spun around his chair so he could face Weiss and company. He laced his fingers together.

"Wait-" Ilia whispered to Yang. "Was he seriously spending his time looking out a window?  _Who does that?"_

"..." Yang whispered back: "I know right?"

Weiss swallowed. She walked up to the Headmaster's desk. "Our apologies, Headmaster...Ozpin. We just...umm…"

Weiss realized that she, Ilia, Yang, and Blake had neglected to actually make a plan before waltzing into one of the most important rooms in one of the four most important buildings on Remnant. ...Wasn't that an incredible oversight on their part? She blamed it on making a habit of 'winging it' when the world had been falling apart around them.

Weiss looked at her teammates for help.

Blake blinked owlishly. She was probably too busy calculating the answer least likely to get them all caught red-handed by one of the world's oldest beings in existence. Sadly, she did not calculate that it was going to take too long for her calculations to actually be useful.

Yang tilted her head as if to say: 'What, you think I have any ideas on how to get out of this mess? I usually punch my way through messes.'

Ilia blurted: "We're here to apply for a job!"

Four pairs of eyes stared at her.

"We are?" asked Yang. Blake stepped on her foot.

"Of course we are!" exclaimed Ilia. "Why else did we take the torture machine disguised as an elevator all the way up here?! Besides, I heard the pay was real good! ...Right guys? Riiiight?"

"Ilia...teaching is one of the most underpaid jobs on all of Remnant," Weiss informed Ilia.

"...That's besides the point." Ilia gave Ozpin a very forced, very fake, face-splitting smile (it looked like it hurted). "The point  _is_ , Osc-Ozpin, the four of us are  _totally_  kids-approved,  _very very very_ accomplished Huntresses that can definitely teach. ...Yeah."

In fact, Ilia was not a Huntress, Weiss retired (though technically, she never even graduated), Blake never got the papers, and Yang...was actually a Huntress. Huh. Though to say Yang and kids didn't mix very well was an understatement equal to...Salem's not too big a fan of the human race.

Ozpin tilted his head. "...So you say. But, now this is just a little bit important, who are you ladies? It seems I missed that part."

"Right, of course." Ilia nodded vigorously. "I'm Iris Amitola."

Weiss sighed in relief (as silently as possible, of course). Ilia managed to remember to use her alias. "Moon Snow," Weiss said.

"...Hound Fahroni," Blake managed through gritted teeth. When Team WIYB had to come up with aliases, Yang had won a murder bet and forced Blake, a cat faunus, to take on an alias that meant 'dog' as a practical joke. Needless to say, Blake was not, and still isn't, amused.

Yang coughed in an attempt to hide her laughs. It didn't work. "Haha...ha,  _ahem._ Right, my name is Ryoko Xiao-"

"-Tou." Blake stepped on Yang's foot again.

"Ow!" Yang caught on. "Oh, oh-yup, totally. My name is Ryoko Xiao...Tou."

"Dammit, Blake," hissed Yang. "' _Little head'?_ "

"...no comment." But Blake couldn't help smirking uncontrollably. Weiss guessed that a little payback went a long way. Wait-no, she  _knew_ that.

Ozpin's left eyebrow went up his forehead. "I...see. Nice to meet you, Iris, Moon, Hound, and Ryoko."

Blake twitched.

Ozpin tilted his head. "So...the four of you want to work for me."

Ilia turned to Weiss and mouthed:  _no, no, no, no, no, no, SHIIIIIIIT. I don't want to work for_ *insert bad language* _! Not again!_

Weiss couldn't reassure her. Ilia was the one that got them into this mess in the first place.

"...Yeah." Yang gave a weak thumbs up. "We  _definitely_ want to work for you."

"Good," said Ozpin. He smiled. "Because I can count on my fingers how many teachers we have at Beacon."

"...you've got to be kidding me," said Weiss.

Ozpin peered at her strangely.

"Hey, Weiss?"

"Yes?"

They were back on the elevator again. With a lot more paperwork this time around.

"Was Beacon really this understaffed?" asked Yang.

Weiss furrowed her brows. "We only saw...Glynda, Port, Oobleck, and Peach, if I remember correctly. Then the teachers from the other schools came in."

"Why didn't we think that was strange? Like...at all?"

"We were too busy getting caught up with criminals," said Blake. "Probably."

"...you know, when you say it like that…" Yang said. She sweatdropped.

"To be fair," said Weiss. "Beacon has very few students." Most people tended to die or otherwise fail the Initiation in various painful ways, a fact that Ozpin happily glossed over at the time.

"You know what I want to know?" said Ilia. "Why didn't Ozpin catch us? I mean, I'm great at improv, but that was  _bad._ Like,  _really_ bad. Like I'm ashamed to be a part of it, bad."

Weiss, Blake, and Yang looked at each other.

"Ozpin  _did_ completely miss Cinder, Emerald, Mercury, and Neo," Weiss pointed out.

"Cinder was definitely older than 21 at the time too," added Blake. "She had no records at Haven Academy and the Haven students and staff were  _definitely_ confused."

"Eh." Yang shrugged. "Ozpin's just gone senile. I mean, can you blame him? He's a few thousand years old."

"Somehow, that's scary and stupid at the same time," said Ilia.

Weiss stepped off the elevator. "I suppose we should count our lucky stars then. On the upside, as Beacon staff, we won't have to worry about finding and buying a house when we don't even exist."

"Yeah…" Yang looked at her Beacon ID, where 'Ryoko Xiao-Tou' was proudly imprinted. "Blake, I am never forgiving you for this. This,  _this_ is a crime against humanity-"

"I'm a faunus. But don't worry, I never forgave you for 'Hound' either," said Blake. "Moving on, we need to establish some rules now that I'm 92.5% sure that we've dimension-traveled."

"You pulled that number out of your ass," muttered Yang. "Little head, little head...grrrrr."

Blake ignored her. "First rule of dimension-travel and time-travel in general, don't reveal that you're a-"

Blake's ears perked up. She went silent.

Weiss's eyes widened in realization. "W-We're stuck here for the foreseeable future. Which means... _I might be on extended vacation._ I, Weiss Schnee, do not-"

" _What?"_

Weiss faltered. She looked down the corridor-where four teenage girls were frozen in various walking positions. One of them, a white haired girl with cold blue eyes looked  _especially familiar._

Afterall, Weiss saw that face in the mirror for years.

"I don't know why I try anymore…" Blake facepalmed. "First rule of dimension and time-travel. Broken by Weiss Schnee before the first day even ended. Congratulations, Weiss."

" _What?"_ The miniature hormonal version of Weiss repeated. She jabbed a finger at Weiss (mostly Weiss), Blake, Yang, and Ilia incredulously. "Who in the world are you people?!"


	2. Introducing: Teenage Weiss! (And the rest of Team RWBY)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Obligatory 'I don't own RWBY' part!
> 
> "...I don't think I'm funny. Is this funny? Do I go more funny? Am I having a midlife crisis on humor?" ~ ARC
> 
> Ah, these are repostings...after the fifth chapter (if you count the prologue, they'll actually be real time).
> 
> Beta'd by Brother

At age 17, Weiss Schnee was more responsible, intelligent, and all around mature than most people her age. She had been forced to grow up this way. When your father was an awful human being (to put it nicely), your mother an alcoholic who couldn't keep her life together for...well, the life of her, your older sister (who was really the only person that was decent in the family) ditched you to join the military (in hopes of escaping your awful human being of a father), and your younger brother was...showing signs of sociopathy before he even reached teenage years.

So it was entirely understandable why Weiss was excited to get out of the house and the country in general and go train as a Huntress in Vale at Beacon Academy a good few hundred thousand miles away. Away from basically everything in her old life, that is.

Then she was put on a team with a dolt, a loner, and an idiot.

And she wasn't even Team Leader.

Weiss got over the Team Leader thing (mostly) and told herself that it was probably for the best that the dolt and the idiot knew basically nothing about the Schnee Family and the loner didn't really talk (or do anything) much.

That's how First Semester went. Overall, she'd give it a 4 out of 10. Anything was better than home anyways, so she wasn't  _too_  harsh.

Second Semester looked like it was going to be a small improvement. Ruby, the Team Leader for some unknown reason, stayed as chipper as ever about anything and everything and still had a ridiculous love for cookies, but at least she wasn't  _as_ obnoxious as before. Blake, the self-imposed loner, wasn't getting out of her shell anytime soon, but at least she didn't look at Weiss like Weiss was about to murder her anymore. Yang, the idiot, still had the collective IQ of a goldfish but had somehow became the unofficial team Mom and best Mom Weiss would ever know.

Okay, so maybe her Team was growing on her. Sure, Weiss still would have preferred Pyrrha or Ren, but Ruby, Blake, and Yang worked well enough. Yes, Weiss would like to be the Leader, but Ruby wasn't  _all that bad._

Team RWBY had finished with classes for the day and didn't have any homework due in the imminent future (as in: the next few hours). So, Ruby being Ruby decided it was a perfect time for team bonding.

"Today is the perfect day for team bonding!" she declared, jumping on her bed like...a child. Everything about Ruby could be summed up as 'like a child', now that Weiss thought about it.

"Dolt, if you keep on jumping on that bed, it'll break. And I'm not helping you make the bunk beds again."

Those beds were volatile enough as is. Weiss had to sleep at night with the fear that she'd die by cause of unstable DIY bed. She was too young (and smart) to die like that. Weiss regretted choosing the lower bunk. A real mistake on her part.

"Fiiiiiine, Ice Queen."

A tick mark appeared on Weiss's head. She broke the pencil she was holding.

Ruby jumped onto the floor. The bed sprung up and down. "Sooo, team bonding, guys? Guys~?"

Yang tried to jump out of the window. "Rubes...I was  _kind of_ planning on going to the bar today."

Weiss blocked out the fact that her teammate just admitted to underaged drinking and a whole load of other offenses. It was par for the course with Yang.

"Hn." Blake peeked over her trashy romance novel. She did not seem enthused.

"Weiss~?"

Weiss sighed. There was no winning with Ruby-and everyone else already knew that. "I  _guess_ our Grimm anatomy report that's due  _tomorrow,_ can wait for…a little bit."

"Then it's settled!" declared Ruby, pointing a finger to the sky like some sort of overzealous rockstar.

* * *

That's how they found themselves in the hallway. The training grounds were on the first floor and they were on the third floor.

In other words, they had to take the elevator.

This time, it was Blake trying to jump out the window.

The scary part was that Weiss understood Blake's pain. She had tried to take the stairs after realizing that Beacon's elevator was a torture machine in disguise, then she realized that Beacon  _didn't have any non-restricted stairs for some horrible unknown reason._

Weiss saw some of the upperclassmen make ropes going down to the first floor. Team JNPR tended to just slide down a tree. Lucky them, getting a conveniently located tree right in front of the window. The most RWBY got was a tree  _right next_  to the window, which made getting onto the thing more tedious than it's worth.

As they turned around a corner, a cold voice said: "W-We're stuck here for the foreseeable future. Which means... _I might be on extended vacation._ I, Weiss Schnee, do not-"

Weiss just managed to register the fact that someone had the same exact name as her. Or was pretending to have the same exact name as her. Weiss  _knew_ that her name was one of a kind. Her Father was egotistical like that.

So Weiss said: " _What?"_  before she even saw the person claiming to be her.

Then she froze. Ruby, Blake, and Yang did the same.

It was hard not to when a cold empty stare was leveled on you.

"I don't know why I try anymore…" A dark haired cat faunus facepalmed. Wait-was she  _missing_ an arm? "First rule of dimension and time-travel. Broken by Weiss Schnee before the first day even ended. Congratulations, Weiss."

"Hrm," said the woman with the empty stare. She looked away. The woman had long white hair, like Weiss. And a cold blue eye, like Weiss. Unlike Weiss, she only showed one eye. The other side of her face was wrapped in bandages. Weiss had the feeling she didn't want to look under there. The woman wore a dark blue longcoat. A white cape went over it. At the side of her waist was a sheathed weapon. The hilt looked like  _Mytrenaster's_ , but bigger and more refined. She wore white leather leggings, held up by a brown belt, and black boots.

There was definitely something wrong about the 'poser-Weiss Schnee'. Even from where Weiss was standing, the woman radiated an unnatural 'off-ness'. Like...Like she wasn't completely there.

The rest of the women didn't. The cat-faunus, who looked a lot like Blake, was twitching, a blonde woman opened and closed her mouth (like an idiot), and a brown haired woman with freckles whistled an innocent bystander tune.

" _What?"_ was what Weiss's vocabulary had reduced to. Ruby sent her a concerned look. "Who are you people?!"

Weiss prided herself on her manners: but when three out of four women shared a creepy resemblance with three out of four members of her Team, including herself, and one of the women shared a name with her, Weiss decided it was acceptable to scream and point.

Really, the only logical explanations here were either  _pure chance_ or  _they all had older sisters they didn't know about (and Blake's sister was a faunus?)._

"Um...is it too late to bail?" asked the blonde. Weiss decided to call her 'Yang Imposter' Or 'Yimp' for short.

The cat faunus gave Yimp a deadpan look. "Ya- _Ryoko,_ we live here. Even if we didn't, I refuse to run from a situation like this."

"Not the running complex again," Yimp muttered.

Out of the corner of her eye, Weiss saw Blake twitch.

Apparently, Yimp's Name was Ryoko, but Weiss could've sworn the cat faunus said 'Ya-' before stopping herself. They were definitely hiding something. It was obvious!

"...I don't see any point in hiding who we are anymore-" voiced the imposter Weiss, aka. Wimp.

"Because of  _who?"_ Imposter Blake, Bimp, glared.

Wimp sighed. "What's the next rule? I'll try my best not to break that one." Wimp continued. "As I was saying, I don't see any point in hiding who we are anymore to  _them,_ which is why I suggest kidnapping them."

Silence.

"...Wow, we're really jumping off the boat on this one, Schnee, " said the brown haired one.

"Snow," corrected Wimp. "Besides, I'm not suggesting we permanently kidnap them. We'll just...kidnap them, explain, and release."

Wimp nodded to herself. "It sounds like a plan."

"Which part of that was a plan?!" The brown haired one exclaimed.

Weiss decided that the imposters (plus the brunette) were way beyond suspi-Wait, we're they discussing a kidnapping plan in front of the kidnapees?!

"Wait-" Yang raised a hand. "Shouldn't we get a say this?! Y'know, as the people being kidnapped?"

"No," said Wimp coldly.

Yimp cringed. "Dude, not cool."

Ruby grinned. "I figured it out!"

Wimp and Yimp simultaneously froze.

Weiss could sympathize. Ruby's voice did that to people.

"You're time-travelers!" Ruby declared. "I mean, you kind of said that already, but then there was the kidnapping thing so like…"

"Ruby," Weiss hissed. "Time-traveling isn't a thing! Like magic!"

The brown-haired woman coughed.

"..." Wimp gave no comment. She looked a little out of it.

"...Can we get this kidnapping done already?" asked Bimp.

"Ha! Like someone with one arm can seriously beat u-"

In a flash, Yang was thrown into the air. A ribbon wrapped around her torso. It sent her slamming face first into the ground.

"...That felt good," breathed Bimp, having suddenly appeared next to Weiss.

"Gah!" Weiss jumped away, a hand on Mytrenaster.

Blake tensed. Even Ruby reacted to Bimp. She touched Crescent Rose.

"Hey!" Yimp looked personally offended. She frowned. "Okay, so maybe I- _she_  kind of deserved that but…"

Yang's aura flickered. She peeled her face off the ground. "Ow…"

Bimp sheathed her weapon. Weiss thought it looked like Gambol Shroud. It sure acted like Gambol Shroud.

 _Time-travel,_ Ruby had said. So that'd make...

Wimp shook her head. "Right...Kidnapping. Let's get this over with."

Bimp karate-chopped the back of Weiss's head. Weiss stumbled foward. Her vision began fading out.

"Eh?! Weiss!" Weiss appreciated Ruby's concern (not really, she was busy trying to avoid fainting like an idiot). "Guys! Can't we talk this out?!"

"We  _are_ talking things out," Wimp said reasonably.

"People don't talk by hitting people!"

"...Ah, to be young again," said the brown-haired woman (Weiss really needed to find a name for her. Freckles?). "When we believed in the power of talk and love and all that fluffy stuff!"

"...What's wrong with believing in love?" Ruby muttered.

Wimp flinched.

Weiss fainted like an idiot. Naturally, she face-planted onto the floor. Because of course she had to.

* * *

"Weiss! Weiss! Wake-up!"

Weiss woke up disoriented and grumpy. Then she remembered what had happened in the hallway. She found herself even more disoriented and grumpy.

Weiss opened her eyes. Ruby was in her face.

"Personal space," Weiss growled.

Ruby stepped back.

Weiss blinked away her dizziness. They were in a...brightly lit dorm room. Wait-not exactly a dorm room. It was bigger. More of an EX dorm room.

Blake was already up. She hid in the shadow of one of the corners. Yang had been tied to a chair. She didn't look too happy about it. In fact, she was throwing out a particularly nasty string of curses at that very moment. Wimp did not look very amused. Freckles was nowhere to be found, but Yimp was looking around the room and Bimp...checked out the windows? The cat faunus seemed strangely fascinated by the openings in the wall.

Weiss quickly got off the floor. "What in the world is going on? Ruby, why aren't you tied to a chair like Yang is?"

"Dude!"

Blake had probably just stayed as silent and motionless as she always was. There'd be no point tying up the equivalent of a statue, after all.

"Oh, they-" Ruby pointed at Bimp as if Bimp equaled 'they'. "-said that if I behaved and stayed in the room and wake everyone up, they don't have any problems with letting me walk around. Also, Iris gave me cookies."

Weiss spent a few seconds wrapping her head around Ruby's explanation. She finally asked: "They gave you cookies?"

Ruby beamed. "Yup!"

"And you didn't check if the cookies were poisoned?!"

"Well...no."

"And you're on a first name basis already?!"

Ruby tilted her head. "Yeah?"

Weiss wanted to shake the little girl. "You don't do that, Ruby! You don't make friends with the kidnappers! That's called Stockholm Syndrome!"

"Is Stockholm Syndrome a bad thing?" Ruby tilted her head the other way.

"Yes," Bimp answered for Weiss.

"Gah!" Weiss jumped back. Bimp had suddenly appeared next to Weiss...again. The woman seriously had to stop that. It was beyond creepy!

Bimp ignored Weiss's reaction. She looked over at Wimp. "All four of them are awake. There's no point in waiting anymore."

Wimp shifted. "Iris isn't…"

"I'm back!" Freckles slammed the door closed.

"How does she do that?" Wimp muttered.

"Oh, hey, the kids are awake," Iris noted. She closed the door.

"Yeah we are!" declared Yang. "And when our professors find out about this-!"

Yimp hummed. "Yeah, about that. We  _are_ your professors."

"Wha-Then we'll just deal with you ourselves!"

"Uh...that's not gonna work, kiddo. We'll just kick your-" Yimp's eyes traveled to Ruby. "I mean, give you detention!" Yimp rubbed her hands together. "I've always wanted to do that!"

Yimp and Yang continued screaming at each other.

Weiss twitched. "No way. Headmaster Ozpin wouldn't approve of the four of you. You're all clearly very shady people. The Headmaster would have to be an idiot-no,  _beyond_ an idiot to approve of this."

"..." Bimp showed Weiss her Teacher's ID. A headshot of Bimp and the name 'Hound' were on full display.

Weiss lost faith in humanity.

"For what it's worth," said 'Hound'. "I agree with you."

"That makes it even worse!"

Ruby raised her hand as if she had already decided that sure, her kidnappers were her teachers. "Can we go back to that time-travel thing? I wanna know if my theory is true."

"Your theory is true," confirmed Blake.

Yang paused. "What."

"So…" Ruby pointed to Yimp. "I mean, that's obviously Yang. But with red eyes. But Yang sometimes has red eyes so it makes sense?"

Yimp waved. She avoided Ruby's eyes.

"And that's Weiss." Ruby pointed at Wimp. Wimp stayed deathly still. "But uh...taller."

Weiss had the feeling that Ruby was going to point out the bandages-but managed not to. Good. Weiss didn't want to think about the bandages. Oh, and it would've been extremely rude.

Then Ruby turned to Bimp. "And I think you're Blake. But Blake doesn't have...cat ears." Ruby looked at Blake, who was trying (and failing) to fade into the shadows. "Right?"

"..."

Next to Blake, the wall morphed into Freckles. That wasn't right-Freckles  _changed colors._ She'd just been blending into the wall…

Semblance?

Freckles poked Blake's bow. Blake jumped away. "Blake, you never told me you kept a bow on! It's adorable!"

Blake blinked.

Bimp gave Freckles a deadpan look. "This is exactly why."

"But it must've been a pain to keep your ears under there, right?"

"You have no idea."

Yimp giggled. "She had a few accidents."

"Shut up."

"Hey, remember that time when you-"

"Shut up or I'll tell everyone about  _that time_ with the professor's stash of alcohol _."_

Yimp clamped her mouth shut. "...Dammit."

Wimp cleared her throat. "So yes...Blake is a faunus."

Weiss blinked. All she could say was: "Oh."

She was busy dealing with the fact that her teammate turned out to be a  _faunus._ A  _faunus!_

Weiss liked to think that she wasn't racist-but  _still._ She'd been sharing a room with a faunus? A closet faunus at that? There'd been no consent!

Wimp's visible eye stared at Weiss. Weiss wanted to avoid her gaze. It felt like it was looking into her soul. Then there was how unnerving Wimp was...

"You're a hypocrite," Wimp declared clearly. Emotionlessly. As if she was stating an obvious fact like 'the sky is blue'.

"—!" Weiss reeled back.

This was her older self? No way-Weiss refused to believe it. Even if it was true, Weiss rejected the possibility. She didn't want to become this  _thing._ This shell of a human being.

"T-That's not true!" exclaimed Weiss.

The rest of the room looked on, confused. Except Bimp. She seemed intrigued.

Wimp broke eye contact. The white-haired woman looked away. Weiss felt like a weight had been lifted off of her.

Ruby probably sensed the weird tension between Weiss and Wimp. She quickly said: "Okay, so Blake is actually a faunus-"

"Come on, Blake… Why didn't you tell us?" Yang stared at the cat-faunus. "It's not like we care! Racism is like...ancient."

"If you think so, you're naive," Blake said quietly. Weiss could've sworn Blake's eyes flicker to her for a split-second.

"Huh? But I mean...no one on the team is a racist. Right, guys?"

"Yeah," said Ruby easily.

"...Of course," Weiss said. Weiss glanced at Wimp. She was locked in a silent conversation with Bimp.

Yimp took over. "Like Ruby said, we're from the future-"

"Oh! Oh! Are you here to stop the end of the world?! The apocalypse?! A war?! A kitty take-over?!"

"Well...no." Yimp frowned. "Don't joke about that stuff. Wait, kitty take-over?"

"Cat videos will take over the world," said Ruby. She nodded seriously. "I read about it online."

"I  _hate_  cat videos," Blake muttered under her breath.

Yimp sweatdropped. "...Doesn't school teach you not to trust everything the internet says?"

"Yeah, but the internet told me not to trust everything school said."

Yimp looked at Yang for an explanation.

Yang shrugged helplessly. "...It's a phase?"

Yimp let it go. "No, we didn't come back to do...anything. We're just trying to get back to our future...world… Damn, this is confusing."

"Aw...But that's not cool!"

"Look, kid-"

"Why not?" Wimp abruptly asked. "Why not deal with Salem before we go?"

Bimp stared at Wimp. "...Weiss, I hope I don't even have to begin telling you why that is a BAD IDEA."

Freckles turned pale-literally. "You mean a horrible idea. An awful, really stupid idea that will get us all killed in some seriously sick ways. And not the good kind of 'sick'." Freckles continued. "Look. Schnee. I get it. You have a hero-complex and...other... _problems_...but this isn't our world.  _Whatever we do doesn't matter back at home anyways."_

"And that's a good thing," added Bimp. "We've avoided time-paradoxes and the end of the world as we know it."

Wimp narrowed her eye, which might be the most expressive Weiss had seen her so far. "I  _am_ glad. Don't you see? We can create a world where no one has to go through what we did. We can stop them before they even start. End it before it hurts people!"

Bimp and Freckles sent each other concerned looks.

"Guys!" Yimp looked exasperated. "Think of the kids!"

"...'Kids'?" Yang frowned. "Hey!"

Bimp eyed Yang. "You used to be so...explosive. Whatever happened?"

" _You_  used to be so quiet. Whatever happened?"

"Tsk. Fine. We both improved for the better."

"Yeah. Too bad it took a few arms to get here." Yimp untied Yang. "Shoo, before things get violent around here."

" _Violent?"_ Weiss didn't like the word too much.

"Don't be late for class tomorrow! If you tell anyone about who we really are, we'll have to cut out your tongues!"

"Eh?!" Ruby's eyes widened.

"Maybe," decided Yimp. "We could just give you guys really bad grades and kill whoever you talked to."

"EH?!"

"Yang," Bimp chided. "Stop scaring the kids…"

Ruby sighed in relief.

"You don't have to  _tell_ them about what we'd do."

"EH?!"

Yimp grinned. Her eyes gleamed. Considering the fact that they were  _bright red,_ it was quite intimidating. Then Yimp released a wave of her aura.

Team RWBY bolted out of the room.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ruby slammed the door shut. "Y-Yang, when did you get so scary…?"

Yang looked a little purple. "I don't know, sis. I don't know."

"D-Don't be silly," said Weiss. "It's...It's just her aura affecting you." Weiss leaned on the wall for support.

Blake's aura had appeared around her in a protective shell. She winced. "...Unbelievable…"

Team RWBY took a minute to recover from Yimp's show of power/threat.

"Okay," Yang finally said. "What the heck just happened?"

Blake stayed silent.

"Time-travelers! From the future!" Ruby exclaimed. Her eyes practically glowed. "Of us!"

"Ruby, there wasn't a you," Weiss pointed out. "Just Freckles."

Blake raised an eyebrow.

"Who cares?! I'm probably busy or something! I'm being super cool and Huntressy and stuff in the future!" Ruby let out a dreamy sigh.

"Okay, sis. Don't grow up too fast." Yang ruffled Ruby's hair.

"And I live in a giant mansion with twelve cats and a collection of the coolest weapons in the world, made by me, and of course, I've got butlers and maids and maid butlers…"

Yang sweatdropped. "Uh...going a little too far there. Reel it back in, will you?"

Inside the dorm, Bimp said: "Okay, Weiss-Moon, are we still using code names?"

"I think we should. For practice," Freckles said.

" _Moon,_ for the love of all things holy, let's  _put down the sword."_

"Hrm."

"Don't 'hrm' me!"

"It's pretty intimidating," Freckles agreed.

"Seriously, Wei-Moon?" asked Yimp. "We're gonna go with the 'swing sword until we agree with you' idea? For the record, that never works."

"No," said Wimp.

"Then wha-"

 _Swoosh._ A pointed blade pierced through the wall, mere fractions away from Weiss's face.

"We have eavesdroppers. I  _hate_ eavesdroppers. Especially when they're ourselves."

Weiss felt a little faint.  _The blade was right there._

"There's definitely something wrong with that sentence" declared Yimp.

"Sch-Snow, you broke the wall. Who's gonna fix the wall?"

"...I didn't think about that," Wimp admitted.

"The answer is 'you'," Bimp told her helpfully.

"Guys~" Yimp called. If you didn't get Moon's point, ha, get it ' _point'?"_

Yimp spent a few seconds laughing at her own terrible pun. Some things never changed, Weiss decided. And for the worse.

Yimp coughed. " _Ahem._ Yeah, so go...do your homework or whatever kids your age do. Damn...just talking to myself makes me feel like an old lady." She giggled.

Weiss decided to strategically retreat before Yimp could say anything else that'd hurt her intelligence. Emphasis on  _strategic retreat._

On the way back to their dorm, Yang paused.

She said, "Armless Blake talks a lot, doesn't she? What's up with that, armed Blake?"

Blake twitched. "...Shut up."

"BLAKE SAID 'SHUT UP'!" Ruby exclaimed. "IT'S A MIRACLE!"

"..." Blake sighed.

"What in the world?!" Jaune, in all his pink pajama glory, appeared out of Team JNPR's dorm. "Ruby? Blake, Yang, Weiss? It's like one o'clock in the morning!"

As a demonstration, he yawned and rubbed his eyes.

Weiss stared. "O-One o'clock?"

"Yeah?"

They must have been knocked out longer than they thought...

"So  _that's_  why the curtains are down," said Yang. "Huh. I thought that was weird."

" _One?!"_  Weiss repeated. She flew past Jaune, flung open the Team RWBY dorm door, and slid into her chair. Weiss nearly fell off the chair. "Our Grimm Anatomy Report!"

"Oh shit," Yang cursed.

"Language!" Weiss snapped. "Now help me finish this thing!"

"Haha...ha." Ruby gulped. "Sorry, Jaune! You can back to sleep! We...We have team problems."

Jaune blinked.

Blake entered Team RWBY's dorm.

Ruby slammed the door shut.

"...So much for sleep," Blake said. Her voice carried a bitter sense of finality and lost.

Weiss wallowed in despair. Forget the interdimensional time-travelers...They were going to be ruined by homework.

* * *

**Alternate Non-Canon Ending:**

**Everything Goes Batshit Insane**

Blake's aura had appeared around her in a protective shell. She winced. "...Unbelievable…"

"Yeah...pretty amazing, isn't it?" said Yang. "That's some insane power!"

"No! Unbelievably stupid! Who thinks it's smart to unleash such a large surge of aura  _in a school for Huntsmen-in-training?!"_

That was probably the most Weiss had ever heard Blake said in one setting.

Inside the dorm room, Bimp shouted: "YANG!"

Yang frowned. "What's wrong with-"

The alarms started blaring. ' _Detecting substantial amounts of hostile aura. Detecting substantial amounts of hostile aura. Please evacuate immediately.'_

"Gah! What's that?!" Jaune Arc practically flew out of his dorm. Then he was trampled by students trying to get to the Emergency Stairs.

"Jaune!" Pyrrha exclaimed.

Nora pulled out her hammer. She wacked anyone in her way as she ran to her teammates. Ren repeatedly apologized for his partner's actions.

The hallways descended into hellish chaos.

Someone shouted: "The aliens are coming!"

" _This_ is why," said Blake.

Inside the dorm, Yimp exclaimed: "What do we do?! Do we tell Ozpin?! Glynda?!"

"Weiss! Put down the sword!" Bimp barked.

"Hrm."

"Guys? Says here that we're supposed 'guide the students to safety in the case of an emergency," Freckles said. "But it doesn't have a section on if the professor caused the emergency so…(Wow, that is a serious loophole. What if a professor is secretly planning to take over the school or something?)."

"Because it's supposed to be filled in by common sense," grumbled Bimp. "Honestly, I have to do everything myself."

"That's not true," Wimp said. "Logically speaking…"

"Your first reaction to an alarm is to pull out a sword, don't bring logic into this."

"...Hrm. Old habits die hard."

Suddenly, the alarms stopped. ' _This was a false alarm. Repeat, this was a false alarm. You have all failed the test.'_

"...Blake," Freckles said.

"Yes?"

"Why did you have to add ' _You have all failed the test.'?"_

"I thought it would suffice in covering up Yang's mess."

"You have no idea how hyperactive, emotionally charged teenagers work, do you?" Freckles sounded exasperated, but not exactly surprised.

"I can't say I do. Why?"

"WHAT THE HELL?! HOW DID WE FAIL?!" Someone screamed.

"WHAT WERE WE EVEN BEING TESTED ON?!"

"WE GOT NO WARNING!"

"IS THIS ON OUR REPORT CARD?!"

"I HATE SCHOOOOOOL!"

"...I miscalculated," admitted Bimp.

"I'M TELLING MY PARENTS ABOUT THIS!"

Wimp sighed. "Yang, go deal with the children."

"Dude. There's a reason why I got banned from Beacon, Atlas, Haven, and Shade...in that order."

"Ilia, go deal with-"

"Nope, never mind! I've got this!" Yimp kicked open the door.

Blake had to scramble out of the way. Weiss was nearly turned into a wall pancake.

"Yo! Kids!" Yimp screamed.

"WHO THE HELL IS SHE?!"

"WHO CARES?! WE FAILED!"

"MY DAD IS GONNA KILL ME!"

Yimp twitched. "Now lesson up-"

"I'M SUING THE SCHOOL!"

"HEY, SHE'S KINDA HOT!"

"This is even worse than the counsel…" Yimp twitched again.

"SO LIKE, WHY ARE WE SCREAMING AGAIN?!"

"DON'T KNOW MAN! I THINK THIS IS A RIOT OR SOMETHING!"

"I MEAN, BEACON KINDA ALREADY SUCKED!"

"WE HAVE, LIKE, FOUR TEACHERS!"

Then Yimp breathed fire out of her mouth.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP BEFORE YOU BECOME TOAST. LITERALLY!"

"YES MA'AM!"


	3. I am so done with life and I can't even choose why...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Alas, RT owns the rights to RWBY and a lot of other cool stuff.
> 
> "I will introduce the Spoiler Gods-they protect me from spoilers. Seriously, I can't handle spoiler questions cuz I'm horrible at keeping things under wraps. If you just give me puppy dog eyes-ARGH WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?!" ~ ARC
> 
> Beta'd by Brother

Yang was pretty sure that she only got like  _maybe_ two hours of sleep that night, but to be fair, she had been knocked out for a few hours yesterday. Does being knocked out count as sleep?

"I had a very disturbing dream," said Weiss, sitting up on her bed. She was frowning.

"Your hair is a mess," Yang commented. It was lame, but Yang was just thinking about how  _weird_ it is to see Weiss up so late-

Oh  _fuck,_ what time was it?!

Ruby's head popped out of the bathroom. "Uh...8:30-something I think?"

Yang had a bad tendency to speak what she was thinking.

Now that she thought about it, that's probably why she was on so many people's shit-lists.

What  _had_ Lester Peperoncino and Scandinavia Bologna been up to these days?

"8:30-something?! The first class starts at nine!" Weiss jumped out off her bed. "I set my alarm for 6:00 o'clock on the dot!"

" _And_  that's probably why you need on average five extra large cups of coffee to function," deadpanned Yang. "Seriously, 6:00 is an ungodly time to wake up."

"It's  _normal._ I wake up at 5:30 at home…"

"Wow, no wonder you turned out to be a grumpy mac-frump face…"

And that future-Weiss Yang had met was just plain  _creepy._ Seriously, bandages were not a good fashion statement.

Yang didn't think too much about  _why_ future-Weiss might be wearing bandages on her face. That was just asking to go down a dark rabbit hole and Yang didn't do that anymore.

Weiss's sword arm twitched, like she trying hard not to stab Yang on the spot.

Yang whistled and discreetly (not really) moved away from the Schnee.

"Hey, Yang?" said Ruby. She walked out of the bathroom dressed in her school uniform. "Did Blake tell you where she was going?"

Yang poked Ruby on the head. "Rubes, Blake is my partner, yeah, but we're not joined to the hips or anything."

"Is that a no? Because we were supposed to have team-breakfast together and it isn't team-breakfast if it's only ¾ of the Team-"

"Technically, it is," Weiss muttered. She slammed the bathroom door shut.

What's her problem today?

"-and I  _told_ her that we have team-breakfasts, lunches, and dinners on Friday!"

"Well maybe she's just not a fan," said Yang. "And we're gonna miss breakfast anyway. It's like 8:30-ish, right?"

Ruby's eyes widened. "It is! Weiss! We need to move!"

"Then you should've woke me up, you dolt!" Weiss screamed from inside the bathroom.

Weiss needed the bathroom for about an hour on average. Thirty minutes if she was in a  _serious life threatening_  hurry.

Yang decided to just change in the dorm.

* * *

Ryoko (And yes, she was going by that name now-not the last name though. The last name can go fuck itself.) prepared for her first class ever while Blake and Blake had a heart-to-heart by the window sill.

Well, not exactly her first class ever-not if you counted the ones where she punched people until they learned common sense. Now that she thought about it, Ryoko had to give a lot of classes on those.

Who would've guessed that she'd end up as the one with the best head on her shoulders? People would've guessed Blake or Weiss, both of which had gone off the deep end. Though to be fair, Blake was much better at hiding it…

"It'll be  _fine_. Trust me, yourself, you get it, they're not going to care," Hound said for the hundredth time. She sounded exasperated. She  _looked_ ready to throw Blake out of the window. And she just might. Ryoko held a lot of nostalgia for the good old days, Moon practically idolized the past, Hound detested what had been. And most of all, Hound hated with a fiery passion  _who_ she had been.

So Ryoko was staying to make sure that Blake didn't meet an early death by accidental murder.

"But…" Blake's eyes darted around the room.

Ryoko got the feeling that she wasn't invited to the faunus club. "Okay...Should I get Ilia?"

It turned out that the four of them got two rooms, not one like they were used to. Iris and Moon were in the other room.

Hound shot down the idea immediately. "No. That's a horrible idea and you know it."

True. Iris would probably help Hound throw Blake out of the window.

"But see?" said Hound. "Ya-Ryoko doesn't care. Even Moon doesn't care."

"Eh. She had her moments," Ryoko said. But seriously, Hound was the one bugging everyone to get the code names right and even she was messing them up…

"..." Hound glared.

"Right, right. Don't ever make the situation worse by being painfully honest…We don't want another Mistralian mass panic…" Ryoko blinked at her school-issued scroll (her old one technically didn't exist so…). "Hey, it's 8:47…"

"Excuse me?" Hound said flatly.

"It's 8:48…"

Blake shifted.

" _You_ are going to class," said Hound. Her eyes told Blake that she'd drag her to class herself.

"I have a perfect attendance record…?"

Hound grabbed Blake by the collar. "Even more reason to go to class then."

Then she jumped out of the window with Blake in tow.

Ryoko tilted her head. "I guess she did end up throwing Blake out the window, huh? Let's get the day started then…"

She was kind of excited. After all, Ryoko was going to mold these kids into respectable adults with some much needed common sense!

* * *

Bleary-eyed and exhausted, ¾ of Team RWBY managed to make it to Period One, also known as Grimm Studies taught by Professor… Port…?

Yang was pretty sure that the black haired cat faunus lounging on a chair with her feet on the teacher's desk was not in fact, the portly Professor Port.

It  _could_ be a substitute except-

"Wha-What?!" Weiss was having a full-blown mental meltdown. She pointed a finger accusingly at future-Blake. "You're supposed to be in my dream!"

The rest of the class turned their heads and stared.

Future-Blake raised an eyebrow."Ms. Schnee, you and your teammates are five minutes and twenty-one seconds late to class. If you continue to disrupt class and do not sit in your seats in the next thirty seconds, I am saddened to inform you that you all will be receiving a detention."

Ruby blinked. She rubbed her eyes. "What."

Weiss grabbed Ruby. "Move!"

Someone raised a hand.

"Yes?" said Future-Blake.

"Uh...But you just got here." Griffin Fran said.

"That's not important." Future-Blake flicked a twig off her uniform.

Yang sat down next to Blake. The brunette looked a little dazed and a few leaves were sticking out of her hair. "What happened to you?"

"I flew out a window."

"Okayyy~"

Meanwhile, Weiss's head snapped back and forth between Future-Blake and Blake.

Future-Blake kicked herself away from the teacher's desk. She stopped rolling when she reached the chalkboard.

Apparently, Professor Port's chair had been of the wheelie chair variety.

"From now on, I will be taking over Professor Port as your instructor."

Future-Blake grabbed a piece of chalk and wrote:  _Professor Killer._

"Or Professor K if you're uncomfortable with the word," Future-Blake plainly said like she hadn't just declared herself homicidal. "But seeing as you all want to become glorified mercenaries, you shouldn't be."

Weiss's hand shot into the air. "Excuse me, but Huntresses and Huntsmen are  _not_ glorified mercenaries. We hunt Grimm, not people."

"That's funny," said Professor K except her face remained completely blank. "But I'm not here to talk about what a Huntsmen is and isn't. I'm here to teach Grimm Studies."

She paused.

"This  _is_  Grimm Studies, right?"

"Er...Yes," said Lavender Browne.

"Hm…" Professor K waved her chalk in the air. "Let me put this bluntly, I have no experience with teaching any subject-or even teaching for that matter."

Blake had slammed her head onto the table and covered her face with her hands

Yang couldn't blame her. If her future-self was- _wait, oh shit._

" _But_ I've certainly killed enough Grimm in my lifetime, which is a serious understatement I might add, to give more than a few courses on what to do and most importantly what  _not_ to do."

The class was silent, which was saying something when you're talking about a bunch of newbie adults (and one teenager) that still hadn't had reality set in yet.

Professor K wrote on the board:  _What NOT to do and how NOT to get yourself killed._

Weiss dutifully copied the words into her notebook but she looked like she was swallowing a frog as she did so.

_Lesson I: Know the basics, idiot._

Professor K asked, "Alright, how many people know what semblances are?"

Most of the class raised their hands.

"And if you answer anything resembling 'superpowers' or 'quirks', I  _will_  break something." added Professor K. "Probably you."

Half of the hands went down.

Professor K sighed. "We have work to do."

* * *

Ryoko walked into her dorm. As usual, she was the first to get there.

Iris appeared a few minutes later.

"How's teaching?" asked Ryoko.

"Meh. I'm pretty sure the kids are scared of me. You?"

"There was an accident where I convinced a guy that snakes are all hamsters in disguise but it's been smooth sailings so far."

"I'm jealous of you," said Iris.

"Why?"

"Come on, with your charisma you can take over the world!"

Ryoko snorted. "I don't want to take over the world, it sounds so dull."

"Fine, you can be my sidekick and I'll take over the world for you."

"I'm not anyone's sidekick."

Iris raised an eyebrow. "Really?  _Really?"_

"Oh, shu-"

The door opened. Hound and Moon entered the room.

Moon examined her surroundings. "Hrm… Did we miss anything?"

"Nah," said Iris. "Just some teacher stuff."

Ryoko sweatdropped. "Hey, don't make me feel so old…"

"This generation is filled with idiots," intoned Hound.

"But it's  _your_ generation…" Ryoko pointed out.

"That's not important." Hound continued, "Since we've all  _reluctantly-"_ Moon looked away. " _-_ agreed to save the world  _again,_ I'd like a plan of action before things go terribly wrong as they inevitably do."

"But what's the point of a plan then?" asked Iris.

"So that when things go wrong, we can say we had a plan," said Hound pointedly.

"True."

"'I'll handle the plan," Moon announced.

"No, that's a horrible idea,  _I'll_ handle the plan," said Hound. "If  _you_ handle the plan, we're all going to die."

Moon scoffed. "That's not true."

Ryoko and Iris gave each other a ' _it's totally true and let's not give her ideas'_ look.

Iris laughed suddenly. "Uh...yeah, sorry Snow but I'm not really a fan of your 'kill everything that moves and looks evil' method. I like killing but not  _that_ much."

"No! What Iris  _means_ is that Hound knows what she's doing...usually?" Ryoko looked at Iris. ' _Why did you remind her of that idea?!'_

Iris shrugged sheepishly. ' _Sorry, sorry.'_

"My plans  _work,_ which, I might add, is somewhat important," said Moon.

Ryoko has to admit, that was a very convincing argument.

Hound scoffed. "Only because they have such a low success rate that no one expects them to work."

"Which is still better than your convoluted thousand-stepped strategies that take more time then the average person's lifespan."

"They're not-"

"Uh...It took you two days to make cookies," Ryoko pointed out.

"Ryoko, we talked about this."

"Right, right, honesty isn't a value…"

Iris whistled. She imitated banging her head on the wall.

" _Anyways,"_ said Hound. "I said that I'm never relying on cartoon logic ever again and I  _meant it._ If I ever hear another thing about tape, I  _will_ commit genocide."

Moon glared. "I'm not the-"

"Guys~ Just leaves it to Ryoko!" Iris waved her hands wildly at said person.

Ryoko blinked. "Wait-what?"

This was not how she thought the conversation would turn out.

Hound and Moon glanced at her.

"Fine." "Fine."

Iris looked very proud of herself. "Problem solved."

"No!" exclaimed Ryoko. "Problem  _not_ solved. I don't have any experience-"

This was, naturally, when the bell for fourth period rang.

 _I didn't sign up for this,_ thought Ryoko.  _I didn't want to be the straight man. Hey, maybe Ren and I can get a drink together-expect, oh right, he's in another dimension!_

* * *

"I like cooking…" Ruby muttered.

"It's an unproductive class that will get you nowhere in life unless you intend to enter the food business in which case you should not have bothered coming to Beacon," Weiss told her.

"But cookies…" Ruby perked up. "And you never know! We might be in a life and death situation and stuck out in the middle of the woods then someone  _needs_ to make food before we all starve to death!"

"If you find electricity and cooking supplies in the middle of the woods, please tell me," said Weiss drily. "And anyways, that's what survival class is for."

"Don't be such a...brownie, Weiss," said Yang. "Cooking is fun and it's an easy passing grade!"

That was a bonus to choosing cooking as an elective. More importantly, it let her keep an eye on Ruby.

Weiss twitched. "That's not what matters!"

Blake ignored all three of them and walked into Language Arts. She'd been even more moody than usual, which was saying something for the brunette. Sometimes, Yang wondered what was up with her partner. This line of thought usually ended with a dark backstory and ninja-related badassery.

Totally cliched.

Yang found her future-self scribbling gibberish and muttering curses at the chalkboard. Well, Yang was probably the only one who knew she was cursing-she invented the secret cursing style future-Yang was using after all.

 _Snap!_ The chalkboard cracked under future-Yang's chalk. The chalk promptly turned to dust.

Future-Yang turned to her thoroughly unnerved class. "Whoops."

 _Whoops?!_ Yang stared. Her eyes wandered to her future-self's arm-or lack thereof. How did she miss that yesterday?!

She loses an arm in the future?! How?! What?! Why?! When?! Oh, but the metal arm looked pretty badass though...

Future-Yang coughed. "Let's just ignore that. My name is Professor X. I'll be your Language Arts teacher for the year."

Birch Violet raised his hand.

"No, Birch, you're not going to the bathroom. Everyone knows that's just your excuse to elope with Nightingale and make out in the Janitor's Room."

Birch turned beet red. "Wha-how? Wha-!"

"I didn't!" Ruby whispered to Weiss.

Weiss stared at Professor X. "I didn't either. Clearly, Yang did."

"Well, duh. It was obvious." Yang whispered back,  _And you and Rubes basically live under a rock. Sorry, Ruby._

"To be honest, I think young love is great," said Professor X. "Most of you haven't felt the utter depression that comes with the word yet!"

The class stared.

"I lost my arm to young love," Professor X casually explained. She swung her metal arm.

"Um…"  _Okay, note to self. DON'T FALL IN LOVE ANYTIME SOON!_

"Right, Language Arts," said Professor X. "Gods, I hated this subject."

Yang agreed.

Weiss raised her hand. "Why are you teaching the subject then?"

"Well, I had to teach something and everyone else took all the cool classes," Professor X said sheepishly. "On the bright side, I can make Language Arts not as suckish!"

The class waited for the 'how'.

"Let's watch anime all day!"

"What's 'animu'?" Weiss whispered to Ruby. Ruby stared at her.

Yang sweatdropped.  _Seriously, she was raised under a rock the size of a giant mansion..._

Yang leaned closer to Blake. "You know what anime is, right?"

Blake's eyes flicked to her. "Of course."

_Oh, thank the gods!_

* * *

Ryoko was feeling some serious vertigo. Seeing a younger version of yourself was just…. _weird._ You don't even see yourself most of the time!

Maybe that's why Ryoko came up with the solution of anime for class...

She stared at her scroll where she had written two sentences:  _Salem's gotta suck a dick. Cinder needs to burn in a fire (for dramatic irony and stuff)._

She slammed her face onto the table.

_Life is hard._

* * *

"Hey, that wasn't too bad," said Yang. "I'm a pretty cool teacher."

Yeah, she was feeling pretty proud of herself.

Weiss's face was paler than usual. "I'm scarred for life. What  _is_ anime?"

"A lifestyle," Yang told her.

"What?"

A fiery blur flew pass Team RWBY. It set Ruby's cloak on fire. Conveniently, Ruby's cloak was fireproof (or else that cloak would've been destroyed  _ages_  ago).

Ruby patted away the flames. "That was weird."

Then Team RWBY proceeded to the lunchroom in a totally normal fashion.

* * *

Since the kiddos were at lunch, Ryoko wasn't confined to her classroom anymore.

She immediately hightailed it to Hound's classroom for some serious inspiration (answers).

Okay, so she  _might_  have broken a few speed limits on the way but Ryoko was long pass caring about what was legal or not.

Ryoko tended to break regulations and world-records hand to hand.

"Blake! Please give me ideas!" Ryoko appeared at the doorway to the Grimm Studies room. She caught her breath. "Gah, shouldn't have gone that fast…"

Hound, drawing up a particularly convoluted diagram, glanced at Ryoko. "For what?"

"What the hell do we need to do?! I don't remember how we beat Salem! It was years ago and it  _took_ years!" Ryoko paused then added, "And I'm pretty sure I suppressed a lot of it too."

"I  _told you_  that suppressing your memory is dangerous," said Hound. She let out a long-suffering sigh.

"Yeah, but…"

_Look at what the hell Weiss became._

Ryoko skillfully changed topics. "What's with the weird drawings on the chalkboard?"

Hound raised an eyebrow. "They're a part of my agenda for adjusting to life in the past. These are the vacation plans."

"Uhuh…" Ryoko blinked. "Wait-vacation?"

"I figured that since we've suddenly gained a lot of free time and lost all of our fame, it'd be nice," said Hound. "And of course, there's the fact that it's the past and we should make the most of what was."

"Oh...That's actually pretty great."  _What a surprise-_

"I'm also planning on taking advantage of the stock market and various gambling tournaments."

 _Nevermind._ "But we're already pretty rich?"

"It isn't about how rich we are or are not, it's about making the most of the situation."

"Riiiight."

"Besides, you forget that we're dirt poor in this world."

"We have everything we need…"

"The money is just a nice added bonus."

"Uhuh."

Hound finally broke. "Shut up, money is a good thing."

 _"Wonderful_ , now I'd really appreciate it if you help me find a way to save the world," said Ryoko.

"Hn. I can do that, I already have some pla-"

" _Ideas._ Ideas are great!"

* * *

Yang changed into her battle outfit. It was time for her favorite class of the day, Combat Training. She was  _so_ totally pumped! Gotta let out the steam...

"I heard there was a new teacher," Pyrrha said conversationally.

And just like that, Yang wasn't feeling so great anymore. "...Huh. New teacher?"

"There's been quite a few today. It's almost jarring."

"I think it's really cool!" exclaimed Nora. "I so totally get Ms. Killer!"

Pyrrha grimaced. "Ms. K is certainly an...unique individual."

"She's all about the stabby stabby! Her jokes are so funny!"

Knowing Blake…

"Yeah, I don't think they're jokes…" Yang said.

She got a tilt of the head from Blake, which meant that she's probably right.

"So who's the new Combat Training teacher?" asked Ruby. "Does she happen to look oh, I don't know...a lot like Weiss for some  _strange unknown totally mysterious_ reason?"

_Smooth, Rubes._

Weiss looked over. "..."

Pyrrha looked at Ruby. "That was...weirdly specific. But I don't know. All I've heard are rumors about bandages."

Team RWBY looked at each other.

"Ugh, bandages," said Weiss. "Who cares about bandages? Two of our new teachers are armless."

"Oi, don't diss the arm," Yang told her.

Blake gave a look of silent support.

"Yang...you don't like  _like_ anyone right?" asked Ruby. "Do you have any oh, I don't know... _crushes_  you haven't told me about?"

"That's adorable, but...nah." Yang grinned and wiggled her eyebrows. "What about you?"

"Ew! No!"

They shuffled out of the locker room and into the amphitheater. Team RWBY and Team JNPR found a row of seats that could fit them all. Yang had no idea when and why they'd become friends with JNPR but by now, they were definitely a thing.

Which lead to the question… What's future Team JNPR like?

Future-Weiss was already on stage. Even with one eye, she managed to make it feel like she was staring everyone down.

"Ooh, creepy~" voiced Nora.

" _Nora,"_ Ren scolded.

"I will put this bluntly," said future-Weiss. "At this rate, most of you will die before you reach thirty."

"Huh?! Wha-"

Future-Weiss was on Cardin in the blink of an eye. Her rapier was unsheathed and pointed at his adam's apple. Cardin gulped and shut-upped.

"Your enemies will not hesitate to end you," said future-Weiss. "Why would they? That's not their job. They're job is to kill you,  _don't forget that._ And most of the time, it will be your job to  _kill them._ Understood? A Huntsman that can't kill is a worthless Huntsman. A Huntsman that can't fight is less than trash."

Future-Weiss sheathed her rapier.

"Uh… Who are you again?" Lilith Udal asked nervously. "I… don't think I got your name."

"Oh," said future-Weiss dully. "It's Professor Snow."

She's suddenly back on stage. "Hrm… I got carried away."

 _No kidding!_ thought Yang.

"I suppose I should say that I'm not good with children." Professor Snow tilted her head. "I guess it's more accurate to say that I'm not good with most living creatures."

_Did you ever think about why?!_

"Well, whatever," said Professor Snow. "I don't particularly care about your opinion of me. My only job- _my only goal_  is to turn a bunch of incapable children into adults that will  _hopefully_ live to the age of fifty, prompted that you don't fall on your sword first."

"Really," she said. "I'm a horrible person and I probably shouldn't be allowed anywhere within a 50-mile radius of children, but we'll make do. I can't say I really look forward to working with any of you, but courtesy calls for it so: I look forward to working with you."

"Also," Professor Snow added as an afterthought. "I like dogs."

_What the hell is wrong with her?!_

* * *

Ryoko wanted to strangle Moon. Instead, she opted for: "You're an idiot."

Moon gave her a blank look. "That was rude."

_Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay, take deep breaths. No strangling… No strangling..._

"You're a socially inept idiot with the EQ of a goldfish."

"My IQ-"

" _EQ._ Emotional intelligence," said Ryoko. She'd learned that one from one of Iris's rants and it'd just kind of stuck with her. "But seriously, did you really think that throwing a bunch of Grimm summons at 17-years olds was a smart idea?"

"I made sure that they couldn't really kill any of them," Moon told her.

Off-stage, Sky Lark almost became lunch for a Nevermore summon. There was a lot of screaming involved.

"What about 'seriously injured'?"

Moon frowned. "I'll step in if that happens."

"Uhuh. Okay, I've just got a few questions for you…" Ryoko flicked at her scroll. It was unbelievably outdated and ridiculously slow. How did she ever live with this in the past? "Do you have a deadline for saving the world?"

Moon tilted her head. "I thought that was self-explanatory. By the end of the fourth marking period-before the Fall, of course."

"Self-expla- _Self-explanatory?!_ That's in less than six months, Wei-Moon!"

"I'd rather not experience the Fall of Beacon again," Moon said drily. "Wouldn't you of all people understand?"

_Remember, she has no tack… she has no tack… she has no tack It's technically not her fault that she ended up like this…_

"Moon... It took us seven years to kill Salem."

"So?"

" _Seven_ years, Moon."

"You don't have to tell me the same thing over and over again. I understand."

"Do you really?!  _Do you really?!"_ Ryoko threw her hands in the air. "I'm gonna die from overwork! I'd better be paid for saving the world this time! Oh, and  _compensated."_

* * *

Yang ran a hand through her hair. Two full periods later and she's still bursting with adrenaline from future-Weiss's 'class', class being in loose air quotes… Professor Snow kinda just let her summons do the talking.

_I am so done for the day-and the week._

"Me too," said Ruby. She's already made an arm pillow on her desk.

"Me three," Weiss said uncharacteristically.

Blake's leaning back on the bench. "...Four."

"History!" snapped Professor Amitola. "Is totally biased for the humans. It's like they say! The winner is the one that writes history!"

She continued. "As much as I hate to admit it, the humans are the winners in this case. They aren't the winners in a lot of other cases though. I mean, most of history is just about humans killing each other. It's kind of boring and it just teaches you that humans are really stupid."

Yang sweatdropped.  _Isn't she a little too biased against humans?_

Professor Amitola stabbed a dagger through a history textbook. "So fuck history and let's talk about psychological warfare."

_Those two subjects are nothing alike no matter how many times you slice (or stab) it!_

"I'm a big fan of torture." the Professor frowned. "Most of the time. But definitely when I'm the one doing the torturing."

The class shifted uncomfortably.

Professor Amitola grinned. "Oh, and I forgot. Make sure you're taking notes, people. I think I'm gonna check over them."

_I am so done with life._

* * *

"I am so done with life..." moaned Ryoko. She looked up at the clock.

4:17 a.m.

"No person should be awake at this ungodly hour!"

Iris nearly fell over herself. "N-No kidding. But it's finally done!"

"You mean our plan to save the world in less than six months? Sure!" Ryoko stared at the scroll. "I don't even know half the things I wrote…"

"Oh," she added. "And I never want to see another cup of coffee for as long as I live."

Ryoko drank from a plastic cup. Then she threw it onto the five-feet pile of coffee cups on the side of her desk.

"… I don't even drink coffee most of the time, it makes me feel weird." Iris frowned. "So… we  _could've_  been hyper when we were drawing up some of the plan?"

"You mean  _probably_ hyper."

"Shit."

"Yeah." Ryoko looked at Iris. "Just checking but… what did you tell Moon to get out of your room?"

"Oh, that? Told her I was exploring the city and stuff and generally failing at flirting with girls."

"Huh… The last part was surprisingly self-aware."

"I know, I should bask in the glory of my self-awareness." Iris sighed. "Welp, here's to hoping we don't get killed in the next six months."

"Cheers."

"Cheers."

"Wait-so...Did we ever think about how to get back to our world?" asked Ryoko. "Because I think I miss that part."

Iris groaned. "I'm not dealing with this anymore. I'm going to sleep."

"Hey! Us sane people have to stick together!"

"No thank you."

"But I can't sleep-There's too much caffeine running through my body! At least keep me company, man."

"Snore."

"Ilia! I  _know_ a fake snore when I hear one! I basically invented the art!"


	4. I swear I'm not a lazy ass?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Ruby ain't mine~
> 
> Beta'd By: A Fat Flying Whale

" _Please stop trying to attach a prosthetic arm to my body in my sleep. It's unbelievably rude."_

" _It's good_   _for you!"_

" _It's...highly disturbing… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."_

" _...I am so offended right now. Ugh, look, you get used to it after a while."_

" _No. I told you, it's also symbolism_.  _Irony. Repenting. Marking the ending of a part of my life. Take your pick."_

" _Did you just...make up symbolisms? ...Fine, do you really want to go through the rest of your life with one arm? Think of...how hard typing would be! Or reading? You're gonna need to put the book down every single time you flip a page."_

"... _e-books exist."_

" _You hate those."_

" _I haven't lost my mouth."_

" _...I give up."_

As it turned out, going through life with one arm  _was_ quite difficult. Go figure.

Hound hadn't been a morning person for a very long time. She'd gotten tired of trying to make breakfast with one arm (it took 7 steps to make milk with cereal, dammit).

Thus her new occupation as a teacher was quite an inconvenience.

"..." Hound blinked away the blur in her eyes. She sighed.  _There's an ominous sense of lack of sleep in the near future._

And, by habit, she went to sleep slept at one in the morning and woke up at 10.

Wait…

She checked her scroll.

"...Fuck."

It read  _10:00 am_

"Ryoko!"

* * *

Apparently, first period abandoned class after waiting for their teacher for twenty minutes straight.

_Hm...What did I expect from children?_

Hound told second period to  _stay put or die_ and left the classroom in search of her first period students.

It was...undeniably an excuse to leave her job.

"Detention!" Hound declared, having interrupted Professor Oobleck's completely incomprehensible science class.

Weiss turned paler than any doctor would find safe for the human body and clammed up. "W-W-W-"

"My apologies for the interruption." Hound strolled out of the classroom.

"...Whowassheagain?" asked Oobleck.

' _Now where is Ryoko? She wasn't in our dorm or her classroom…'_

* * *

Ryoko was, in fact, getting a doctor's note to take a sick day from lack of sleep and coffee poisoning.

Hound found her alone in Beacon's infirmary.

"You look horrible," Hound told her.

"Wow, thanks," Ryoko forced out, gritting her teeth, before she threw up in a trash bin. "I just spent the last  _fucking hour_ trying to get a  _fucking note._ You know why?"

"No."

"We don't exist! I told the doctor that I  _had_ to exist because I was standing right there but he was like, no,  _there are literally no records. How do I know you're not an illusion?_ Jerk!"

"Huh."

Ryoko threw up again. "And I don't want to see another coffee for as long as I live."

"Hm. Tea is superior anyways." Hound paused. "So...did you get the doctor's note?"

"No." Ryoko sighed. "I had to call on Ozpin for help."

"That sucks." Hound scrunched up her face.

"Yup. The guy's so freakishly nice when he's...Y'know." Ryoko frowned. "Aren't you supposed to be teaching?"

"...Yes."

Ryoko gave Hound a 'look'. Having been partners for a ridiculously long time, they've developed a way to communicate through eye-contact. It was a serious inconvenience for Hound.

"...I hate children," Hound told Ryoko by way of explanation.

Ryoko scoffed. "Guess what I hate? Getting paid a total of zero dollars to save the world again. Guess what I did all night last night? Make up a plan to save the world again."

"That landed you in the hospital," Hound told her drily.

"Just do your work, you lazy ass!"

"...Fine."

* * *

Weiss could be angry for a very long time, Blake realized. Which was unfortunate for everyone involved.

"I can't believe this!" Weiss stormed into fourth period.

"Ehehehehe...calm down?" Ruby suggested. She looked slightly terrified.

"Dude, it's only a detention," Yang tried. She glanced at Blake.

"Hn?" What did Yang want? To help her with Weiss?

Blake wasn't touching the explosive Schnee heir with a ten-foot stick.

They sat down in their assigned seating.

"Eh…? Professor X is absent?" Ruby tilted her head towards a tiny old white-haired human woman. "Aw…"

"Yes!" Weiss whispered. Then she returned to angrily whisper-ranting about Professor Killer's detention. "—My father will kill me!"

Blake clenched her fists. ' _Kill you, hm?'_

* * *

Hound found herself in a briefing in her dorm instead of lunch in the Teacher's Lounge. She was a tad bit annoyed, but...

"...That's our plan?" Moon's face stayed emotionless, but there was a slight hint of disbelief or maybe disappointment.

As it were, Hound had a hard time figuring out what the woman was thinking since  _then._ Or maybe Moon just suffered from a lack of emotions…

No matter, there was nothing she could do.

Ryoko yawned.

"It was the best w- _Ryoko_ could come up with," Iris told Moon. "To be fair, it  _works…_ er, kind of."

"It's so _...simple."_ Hound threw in her own two cents.

"Exactly! So it works!" Ryoko shouted. "Sorry, sorry. Gawds, my head is bursting…"

"...I just thought that it's so...boring," said Moon. "The steps are so…clear-cut."

"Like they're supposed to be!" Ryoko sighed. "Look, are we doing it or not?"

"Oh, I only have one question...Why does it say 'Fuck, this is the part where we royally screw up' here?" Moon furrowed her brows. "This is very confusing."

Iris took the scroll from Moon's hands. "Don't worry about it, Schnee, this is gonna be a  _breeze._ I just need to go raid the nearest bar."

Ryoko raised her hand. "I'll join you."

Hound smacked Ryoko on the back of her head. "No you won't. No alcohol."

"Ah...I guess we'll go with the plan." Moon hummed. "Hound, Ryoko, ready?"

"...What," said Hound.

"Schnee…" Iris pinched her forehead. "Do you think Hound and Ryoko would be ready  _when the plan didn't even exist 24 hours ago?_ And even if...just look at Ryoko."

"Hahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahah!" Ryoko suddenly burst out laughing.

Hound looked at Moon. "You broke her."

Moon tilted her head. "Ah...I suppose not, Iris. My apologies…" She frowned. "In which case, when do you two leave…?"

"Hahahahahhahahahahahahahha!"

Ryoko broke out in another bout of worrying laughter. Hound poked her shoulder. Ryoko didn't respond.

"Give us a week," Hound finally said.

"Hahahahahhahahahahahahaha!"

Hound gave Iris and Moon an apologetic look. "Please leave."

"You've got it!" Iris dragged a particularly confused Moon out of the room.

"..." Hound sighed. She looked at Ryoko. "Go to sleep, please. You're killing yourself."

Ryoko sighed. "Aren't we all?"

"...That's weirdly introspective coming from you."

"Ugh, I hate getting all depressing, that's all. I'm not an idiot."

"I suppose idiots can be pessimists and geniuses can be optimists," Hound said with great reluctance. She was of the personal opinion that pessimism was far superior to optimism (as a general rule, the cup was  _clearly_ half empty). "What has the bubbly extroverted optimist so upset?

"I'm not bubbly! That's Ru-..."

"..."

"Was her thing." Ryoko sighed again. She sinks into her chair.

"Why not talk to this world's Ruby?"

"Maybe later. Right now it's creepy as fuck."

"But that's not what's bothering you."

"My memories might come back," Ryoko admitted. "And that's scary."

"We'll get through it," said Hound. "We always do… Like the spatula incident."

Ryoko blinked. She burst out laughing. "Was that Blake trying to be funny?"

"S-Shut up! That incident scarred me for life!" ' _And it's Hound, but I hate that name.'_

* * *

"Oh? You received a detention?" Professor Snow, otherwise known as future-Weiss, didn't sound too concerned with her past-self's problems.

"Yes!" Weiss said. "It's unfair!"

"...What do I have to do with it?" Professor Snow looked genuinely confused.

Blake stood on the sidelines with Yang and Ruby. Or it'd be more accurate to say that Blake stood on the sidelines and Yang and Ruby chased around a mini-dog summon (Professor Snow had definitely used the summon to distract the ditzy sisters, a respectable move on her part).

"Maybe you could talk to Professor K about it?" Weiss asked, almost pleasingly.

"Why?"

"...Because Father will be mad?"

"Ah, I forgot about Jackass."

Blake did a double take.  _...Jack...ass?_

"Jac _ques,"_ Weiss corrected as she looked around nervously.

Professor Snow remained blank. "Hrm...I see, you're afraid of Jackass."

"Jac _ques_ , and no I'm not!"

"I believe I'm the type of person to fix their immediate problems…" started Professor Snow.

 _Is that a good thing…?_ Blake though tentatively.

"...And I just realized that Jackass is still a problem in this world," continued Professor Snow. "Ah...There will be a change of plans then…"

She began walking away.

"W-Wait! What are you going to do with my detention?!" stammered Weiss.

Professor Snow stopped. "Hrm...I think it will be a valuable experience. I never had a detention."

This did not help Weiss. "I'm a failure!"

"Though to be fair...I only attended Beacon for nine months or so…"

Weiss paused. "H-Huh…?"

"Oh, too much information…"

"You're a dropout?" Ruby halted to a stop. Yang slammed into her.

"..." Professor Snow looked at Ruby, though Blake had the feeling that she wasn't  _really_ looking at her. "I don't think so, but you could say that…"

Professor Snow snapped her fingers and her dog summon disappeared in a poof of ice. "I believe Team Ruby has a 'What we did wrong' essay to write about the events of yesterday, yes?"

She walked out of the amphitheater.

Yang blinked. "Is it me or did our Professor just ditch class?"

Weiss stared at the doorway.

Blake decided that she liked Professor Snow better than Weiss.

* * *

"...Don't you have a class?" Hound asked Moon. (Hound knew she was being a complete hypocrite, but details…)

"I have something important to tell you."

"E-mails and DMs exist."

"I like giving out important information face-to-face."

Hound waved her hand. "Okay…"

"We're switching Atlas with Mistral on the timetable."

Hound blinked. "What."

"We're-"

" _Why?"_

"I forgot about my family problems…"

"You've got to be kidding me. And how exactly did you  _remember_  your family problems?"

"Weiss told me you gave her detention."

"Oh. She's still angry about that?" Hound was a little impressed.

Moon nodded. "It's a pity, really. She has so much and yet…"

"They say that you don't realize what you had until you've lost it all," Hound intoned. She flexed imaginary fingers on an arm that didn't exist.

"..."

"I shouldn't have said that," said Hound.

"No, you're right. ...You're definitely right."

Hound sighed. "I'll tell Ryoko and Iris. Ryoko's going to freak…"

"Thank you."

"Don't worry about it. What are old friends for?" Hound frowned. "But please go back to class. I've learned that seventeen year olds aren't too big on authority."

Honestly, what type of idiots try to watch porn on their school scrolls in the middle of class? (She knew the answer,  _horny teenagers._ Ugh.)

"Hrm."

* * *

Somehow, Blake found herself alone with Professor Snow. Made more awkward by the fact that they were standing in the middle of an empty hallway.

"..." Blake didn't really know why she'd stopped Professor Snow. She just wanted to get a breather from the newly dubbed and highly disturbing Psychological Warfare class. (And it had been pretty easy convincing Professor Amitola that she was going out to get a drink. Professor Amitola clearly favored her). Which reminded her, how  _was_ Ilia doing these days? And how did she get back into Blake's life?

Professor Snow looked at her. There was no emotion in her eyes and that made Blake nervous.

"Uh...Professor Snow...are you...close to Hound?"

"Taken literally or figuratively?" asked Professor Snow.

Blake sweatdropped. "Figuratively, please."

"Hrm...I suppose so. I know her better than my sister and brother, I think. Certainly better than Jackass. I believe I've had more interactions with Ryoko and Iris, but not enough to warrant 'not knowing Hound'. We still spent the better part of six years living together?"

Blake sweatdropped again. "H-Huh…"

Professor Snow tilted her head only slightly. "What's the problem?"

"I just...Weiss…"

"Ah, she's an infuriating little hypocritical racist nuisance isn't she?"

Blake blinked.  _...That sums it up too well. Scary…_

"I believe Ryoko once said that the best way to gain common sense is to have it beat into you…" said Professor Snow.

"...I don't think that's safe or legal." Blake didn't think that'd help their already straining relationship much either.

"No. She broke my nose and three of my ribs the last time it happened." Professor Snow told Blake quite matter-of-factly.

 _And Hound condoned this?!_ Blake had trouble seeing Hound as a 'future-version' of herself. It was just...unrealistic.

"Ah...Hound said that talking helped too," added Professor Snow.

Blake sighed in relief.

"Quote unquote, she said: 'Yang, punching Weiss is a bad idea. If she gets hurt, who's going to be our leader? In my opinion, we should  _talk_ before doing the punching, not after it. Oh, and try not to punch too hard.'"

"..."  _Not okay, not okay, not okay._ "...I'll try talking," decided Blake.

Professor Snow hummed. "That's good. Relationships are...good."

* * *

"Hm...I'm not sure if this is how detentions work, Iris." It was the end of the school day and Hound decided to visit her childhood friend turned enemy turned spurned lover turned friend? turned teammate who was currently on detention duty.

Iris blatantly drank beer and read questionable GL romance novels instead of actually watching over her detention class. "Hey, I didn't sign up for this."

She threw a dagger at a student trying to escape through the window. It pinned the boy to the wall.

"Five minute time-out," Iris drawled. "Try again next time."

"Awwww."

Iris scratched her head. "There's a lot more detention students then I thought. It's like...a class-full."

Hound coughed. "Uh...you don't say."

"Like, who gave Weiss and Blake detention?" Iris looked over at the Team RWBY clutter.

Weiss glared at Hound. Her eye twitched.

"...Me," Hound admitted.

"Oh. That makes sense."

"Right," said Hound.  _...Your confidence in me is appreciated._ "Hm...Moon flipped Atlas with Mistral."

Iris choked on her whine. "*cough* *cough* A-Ahem… _Why?!"_

"She forgot about her family problems."

"Wtffffff?!"

"Will it make much of a difference?" asked Hound.

"Well, maybe?" Iris pouted. "It's just inconvenient."

"Hm."

"But you and I will be together for a while!" Iris wiggled her eyebrow.

"..." Hound facepalmed.

* * *

Blake would say that steam might literally be coming out of Weiss's head. The Schnee Heir glared daggers at Professor Killer with all her might (which wasn't much, in Blake's professional opinion).

"Mm...I want some of that." Yang stared at Professor Amitola's drinks.

Blake frowned. "...That's not legal."

Well, a Professor bringing out alcohol to a class wasn't particularly legal either but… (Well, let's face it, Blake wasn't exactly one who could call people out for breaking the law.)

"Er...Weiss?" Ruby tentatively tried. "Are you still mad?"

"Of course I am," Weiss snapped. "My father-"

"Moon said she would deal with your father," said Blake. "She seems to know what she's doing."  _No she doesn't!_

Ruby and Yang's heads ping-ponged between Weiss and Blake.

"Uh...Is that Jackass?" Ruby asked.

"Jac _ques!"_ Weiss hissed. "And yes…Though I don't understand what Moon could do."

"She could take over the company," said Blake. " _Technically,_ she's the heir to the SDC."

"Hmph. My Father isn't dead and neither is my mother."

"Of course." Well, at least Blake and Weiss managed to exchange words. That wasn't hard.

Weiss sighed. "The life of an upper class citizen is just too different from-"

"You're not even a Vale citizen!" Ruby exclaimed. She turned to Yang. "I just realized that! Weiss can't vote!"

"Uh...None of us can vote, Rubes." Yang scratched her cheek. "You need to be eighteen."

"Weiss can't run for public office!"

"Why would she do that?" Yang asked. "And I'm pretty sure public offices have an age-limit too…"

 _I don't think Weiss would make for a very good official either,_ thought Blake, eyeing the fuming Schnee.  _Hn, she'd start a war over her toilet paper…_ Blake pinched herself.  _Stop being so rude._

"Is that why all our officials are wrinkly old guys?" asked Ruby innocently.

"...Sure," said Yang, making a face.

"Hn...I'm not a citizen either," admitted Blake.

"Ehhhh?!" Ruby exclaimed.

Weiss stared.

_...I shouldn't mention I'm rich too, hm?_

* * *

Hound watched Ryoko pace around their dorm. It's ten in the evening and Ryoko really should be sleeping.

"Focus yields patience, focus yields patience, focus yields patience, focus yields patience…." Ryoko repeated for the nth time.

"...Sorry," Hound said in a way that did not make her sound very sorry.

"Wait," Ryoko stopped. She frowned. "Did you say 'yes' just so you could stay at Beacon and do nothing for a couple of months?"

"...There's Cinder and the guy with the stupid hat," tried Hound.

"You totally did, you lazy cat!" Ryoko exclaimed.

"Don't call me that." Hound twitched. "Besides, it's categorically a universal truth that I, Blake Belladonna, deserve a vacation after I've dealt with the idiotic government for the better part of three years."

"What about  _me?!"_

Hound glared at Ryoko.  _There's still a mystery to solve here-what_ was  _that Orb we encountered in the future? And who's responsible for it?_

_Oh, hey, I forgot about that cute floating mass of (probably) evil. Hahahahahhahahahhahaha-_

_*Sigh* Go to sleep._

* * *

**Omake: Poor Jaune**

**By: AFatFlyingWhale**

Frankly, Jaune was confused.

That much was to be expected when faced with three intimidating new teachers (plus one chill teacher), who'd somehow managed to worm their way into Beacon.

Granted, he'd also managed to worm his way into Beacon, but that was very much beside the point.

No matter which class he was in, they pushed him beyond his limit, then further, then further still.

He was at the point where even Pyrrha was out of breath, and still they pushed him.

They claimed, and he said claimed because he didn't really believe there was any evidence behind what they said, that they'd make him into the one of the greatest huntsmen in the past twenty years.

He suspected that they were lying to him, appealing to his greater motivations in order to keep him going, but once a gullible fool always a gullible fool, and while Jaune was no gullible fool, he was really, really bad at saying no to women.

Especially intimidating teachers.

Man, he was glad he was nothing like Cardin.

Poor, poor Cardin. He'd never look the same again.

The three new teachers never gave him a break, but that was just about to change.

"Take a break, five minutes!"

Extra-curricular training, more like extra-curricular torture.

At least he wasn't the only one being subjected to such horrible, illegal methods.

They'd made Nora run laps! The horror!

Nora didn't seem to mind, but Jaune knew she was just putting on a brave front to impress Ren, who was stuck making a seemingly endless supply of pancakes.

Before today, Jaune would've assumed that was far, far from torture, but from the pained expression on Ren's face, the four-hundredth pancake he flipped seemed to be one too many, cramping the poor baking teen's shoulder like a…

Jaune couldn't think of an accurate metaphor for a cramped shoulder from baking, but he'd loaf it for a bit, he was sure he'd rise to the occasion soon enough.

Jaune felt himself swell with pride at the puns he was making, soon he'd be powerful enough to rival even Yang.

Right now, though…

"Alright, break's over. Jaune, fight Pyrrha! Pyrrha, you hold back you die!"

Jaune paled faster than… something that paled really, really fast.

If he was going to be perfectly honest with himself, Jaune wasn't having a very good day for metaphors.


	5. Come on, come on! They have to be strong!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY (thankfully)
> 
> "It is that time of year again. In the month of giving, a day like no other is coming soon, with presents galore, it is—RWBY SEASON SIX!" ~ ARC (who will now kindly see herself out)
> 
> Beta'd by A Fat Flying Whale
> 
> Finally, reposting is complete! 
> 
> I update every other Sunday. See ya!

_Boom!_

Even from a distance, Ruby was blown back from the explosion. She shielded her face with her arm.

"Gotcha!" Yang grabbed her by the cloak.

Ruby dropped her arm.

Below them, the smoke cleared and revealed Ryoko. "Hahahahahaha…  _Bring it on, grunts."_

Ryoko wiped her mouth. Her body  _was literally steaming._

The White Fang grunts looked at each other. They began backing away.

Ryoko grinned. She raised a hand. It burst on fire. "I totally needed this…"

One of Moon's summon, a giant Nevermore, slammed into a helicopter. It bursted into flames and spiraled towards the ground.

"Weiss, do you take back everything you said?!" asked Ruby. Her eyes were still firmly stuck on the scene unraveling around them.

Weiss swallowed. "Yes!"

"This was  _so_ worth the dick measuring contest!" Yang giddily yelled over the wind.

Blake was just completely dazed.

* * *

_A Few Hours Earlier..._

Ruby thought future Team RWBY was awesome. Well, future Team _WBY. What would that make? 'Wibee'? 'Wibeye'?

Sure, Future-Weiss was a little creepy, Future-Blake tended to insult everyone, and Future-Yang would sometimes burst out laughing in the middle of class, but they were  _cool._

"We don't even know what they can do," Weiss pointed out.

Weiss spread butter on one of Beacon's infamously rock-solid breadsticks (Ruby was pretty sure that Weiss and Ren were the only people in the whole school that ate the stuff).

Meanwhile, Yang was busy trying to distract Team JNPR from the discussion with one of her many  _many_ bar stories.

"So I told him: 'Don't be so sensitive! Come on, let's kiss and make-up, okay?'" Yang paused for dramatic effect. "Then I punched him in the face."

"You go girl!" Nora slapped Yang's back. Yang's eyes turned red on impact, which meant she activated her aura. Nora's slaps hurt.

Pyrrha cringed. "Uh...I'm almost certain that  _most_ of the things you…*ahem*  _accomplished_ are illegal."

"Eh."

Ruby turned her attention back to Weiss. "No, they have to be super cool! Don't you  _feel_ it?"

"If you mean aura, no," said Weiss. "Though I must admit, most high-level huntsmen hide their aura from others." She sighed. "My point is, Ruby, we can't just assume our future-selves are stronger than us just because we want to."

Weiss developed a twitch in her right eye. "Especially considering the fact that  _that woman_ apparently dropped out of Beacon."

Blake looked up from her book. A fishtail stuck out of her mouth. "...Though Professor X and Professor K both followed her orders?"

"Exa-" Weiss frowned. "Wait, they do?"

"They do?" echoed Ruby.

Blake stared at Weiss and Ruby like they were the stupidest people on the planet. It reminded Ruby a lot of Professor K-actually, Ruby probably only thought of it as the 'You are Stupid' look  _because_ of Professor K (who had a tendency to pair that look with 'idiot' or 'walking cannon fodder').

"Yes," Blake said slowly. "When we first met them, Professor Snow was the one to put a plan in action-which all three of the other... _Professors_ immediately agreed upon."

"I'd hesitate to call it a  _plan,_ per se," Weiss deadpanned, recalling their quote on quote 'kidnapping'. "Besides, didn't Professor Amitola object anyways?"

"She did it anyways too," Blake pointed out.

Ruby blinked. She's just surprised that Blake and Weiss were actually  _talking_ to each other.

"If I had to guess, I'd say that Professor Snow is the Leader." Blake swallowed the fishtail in her mouth—whole.

 _Doesn't that hurt?!_ Ruby thought.

"T-The Leader?" Weiss stammered. "No, I...I mean  _Professor Snow—_ ugh, what about Ruby?"

Ruby blinked. "What about me?"

Blake tilted her head. She looked a little lost for words for a second. "...If I had to guess...Weiss is...second-in-command."

Blake nodded to herself proudly.

Ruby blinked again. "Did I ever make Weiss second-in-command? Because I think I'd choose Yang."

"Hey-!"

At that moment, Yang stole Weiss's breadstick and whacked Jaune on the head with it.

"JUST DO IT!" she screamed in a (debatably) inspirational way at Jaune.

"My breadstick!" Weiss looked borderline scandalized.

Jaune fainted on impact.

"Jaune!" Pyrrha exclaimed.

Blake and Ren simultaneously sighed. Blake returned to reading her book. Ren didn't even bother to check if Jaune was okay before returning to his meal.

Ruby pointed a finger at Weiss. "I'm going to prove how strong our team is in the future. Just you watch!"

Weiss gave an unimpressed blank face. "First, take Jaune to the Infirmary."

* * *

See, after several incidents involving Jaune and concussions, it was established that Ruby (who had the only speed-related semblance between RWBY and JNPR) would be the one take to him to the Infirmary.

This was so everyone in the equation could have the longest lunch possible—well, with the exception of Ruby and Jaune.

Ruby appeared at the Infirmary door. Since she had been carrying Jaune in her 'rose-form', he slammed into the ground as soon as they stopped.

Ah, Ruby wasn't too worried. Jaune had an impressively thick head.

"...Gods, the insufficient,  _not to mention outdated,_ medical supplies in this school leave much  _much_ more to be desired. Honestly, Ozpin is such a pain even when he isn't-Oh, hello."

Professor K coughed and stood up. Her cat ears flicked upright like she'd been caught in a crime, she discreetly closed all of the drawers behind her.

Ruby frowned. "Professor K, are you stealing from the school or something?"

"No," deadpanned Professor K. "I'm merely borrowing with no intention of returning the property."

Ruby continued to frown. "Wait-"

"Oh look, Jaune fainted again," Professor K noted flatly.

Ruby paused. "Yeah! Yang hit him with a breadstick."

Professor K made a face. "Those breadsticks had probably been stale for the last couple of centuries…"

"I know right? So uh...We need a doctor's note." Ruby scratched her cheek. "So we need a doctor..?"

Professor K looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "See...That  _might_ be a problem…"

"Eh, why?"

"Iris knocked him out for me."

* * *

Meanwhile…

Iris clinked ale mugs together with the Beacon Doctor Guy (she'd already forgotten his name). "See? Everyone needs to get away from the stress of work every once in a while!"

Beacon Doctor Guy was clearly drunk. "Ygah...Tder nabar gimma u briqk!"

Iris, who had spent a good portion of her life listening to drunk people, said: "You deserve it, man!"

"Yblah!"

They clinked ale mugs together again.

 _Ahahahaha...No, but seriously, he's so paying for this,_ thought Iris. She eyed the slot machines on the other side of the bar.  _HE'S SO PAYING FOR THIS!_

* * *

Professor K turned her attention back to Ruby. "I'm sure Moon won't care if Jaune isn't at Combat Training anyhow."

Ruby scratched her cheek. "Is that a good thing…?"

"A small light blue nevermore appeared through the window and dropped a letter on Professor K's head. She twitched. "Goddamnit, Moon! Just use e-mail!"

Ruby stared.

Professor K took the letter off her head and ripped it open. She scanned the contents. "...Well, fuck me."

"What is it?" asked Ruby.

Professor K looked up. "Well—it's none of your business. Don't worry about Jaune, he's not going to get in trouble for being an idiot when it comes to Moon."

Ruby had the decency to put Jaune on a chair first. She paused at the door. "Uh...Professor K?"

"Yes?"

"You and everyone else are strong right?"

Professor K's ears twitched. " _Of course we are._ Who dared to say we weren't?"

Even though her voice stayed completely monotone, Ruby suddenly felt dread radiating off of the brunette.

"Ahahaha...ha. Weiss?"

 _Kzzt._ The paper in Professor K's hand crumpled. " _You_   _don't say."_

"Ah…." Ruby inched towards the hallway. "See, she says that we haven't actually seen any of you do anything...and wow, now that I think about it, that's actually true—well, except for when you kidnapped us, really—so yeah, but no really, I think you're all amazing!"

Professor K tilted her head. She put a hand on her chin. "That was one of the worst run-on sentences I ever had the displeasure of hearing."

"Uh...What?" Ruby was pretty sure she'd heard of run-on sentences in like, third grade, but wait that wasn't important right now! "Um...So...Don't go too hard on Weiss…?"

Professor K blinked. "Of course I won't. Individual missteps should be punished equally among the Team."

It was Ruby's time to blink. Her mind slowly turned... _so wait_ —

"I believe this calls for a change of plans. Team RWBY is now obligated to convene at...let's see...Tukson's Book Trade…by 4:00 p.m," stated Professor K.

"Uh…"

"Meet up at Tukson's Book Trade by four or die," Professor K simplified.

"Got it!"

Professor K sighed. "I really need to ask Ryoko what they're teaching in Language Arts nowadays…"

Ruby decided not to tell the future version of  _Blake_  that Professor X  _wasn't_ teaching Language Arts. Well, not unless you count watching subbed anime as reading.

"Thanks!" she told Professor X. Then Ruby activated her semblance and left. She couldn't wait to tell her team the good news!

Professor K stared at the falling rose petals. "...You're not supposed to thank me when I threaten you…That ruins the point."

* * *

For some weird reason, Ruby's Team was not as excited for Professor K's... _whatever it was_ (change of plans…?) then she was.

"So wait, let me get this straight," said Yang. "She threatened to kill us?"

"No," Blake corrected. "She told us we would die."

"So she threatened to kill us," Yang summed up.

Blake opened and closed her mouth. She finally said: "Ah...Yes,"

Weiss's eye twitched. "This can't be leg—"

"It's  _fine!"_ Ruby said. "Professor K does the 'or else you'll die' thing a lot. And we're going anyways!"

Weiss furrowed her eyebrows. "I never agre—"

"She's gonna prove how strong future-us is for me!"

"I'm going," Weiss decided.

"So much for homework," said Blake sarcastically

* * *

Out on the streets of Vale, Ruby ran into an unfortunate problem. She didn't know where this 'Tukson's Book Trade' actually  _was._ Luckily, Blake did and they didn't end up relying on a map. Ruby had a history of making wrong turns and walking into shady alleys when she was using maps. In fact, Yang had disabled all the map apps on Ruby's scrolls after that one time Ruby accidentally walked in on the local mafia.

Oh, and they got custard on the way.

Weiss paced up and down the street. "It's already 4:32! Where are they?!"

"Can we go inside?" asked Yang. She looked down at her bowl. "My custard's melting and it's sad."

Blake pointed at a 'No Eating, No Drinking, No Weapons, and No Dust'. Then she returned to reading and eating at the same time.

"Do you think the store has weapon magazines?" wondered Ruby. She suddenly exclaimed, "Nooo!"

"What?" Yang whipped around.

"I got hit by a car on score 399!" Ruby raged-quit Bossy Road.

Weiss made a face. "That game cannot be good for you." She continued: "More importantly, we've already checked multiple times. Professor K is not hiding out in the—"

_Ding!_

Professor K and Professor Amitola walked out of Ramen Rocket— _the store that was literally right next to Tukson's._ Professor K didn't bother greeting them. She was too busy slurping up take-out ramen.

"Yo," Professor Amitola raises a hand in greeting.

"It's 4:39," Blake told them.

Professor Amitola blinked. "So? We were supposed to meet up at five."

Ruby felt three pairs of eyes glare at her. "Professor K said four!"

The future-Blake coughed. "Ah...Did I? I forget."

"Hound's very unreliable," Professor Amitola told the girls. "This is why she's fourth-in-command."

Professor K grumbled under her breath.

"Which," Professor Amitola added. "Means that she'll only ever be commanding herself."

"...You don't need to remind me," muttered Professor K.

 _Ah, I guess I better start giving out something-in-commands,_ Ruby thought. She said out loud: "So! So! So! How are you going to show how strong you are?"

"Hm...I believe we have a few hours before the White Fang land at the docks," said Professor K nonchalantly. She threw her ramen cup in the trash.

Blake blinked—and blinked again. "Wha-"

"The White Fang?!" Weiss exclaimed.

Professor K looked at Weiss blankly. "Ah, I forgot about the White Fang-Schnee thing."

"Did I miss something?" asked Professor Amitola. She looked between Weiss and Professor K.

Professor K tilted her head. "Well, a long time ago, I got an earful about the bloodshed between the White Fang and the SDC. At the time, it really hurt my feelings. Now I just look bad and laugh."

"Oh. That's nice," said Professor Amitola, an eyebrow raised. "Wait—bloodshed, seriously? I wouldn't call it  _that."_

"No, most of the so-called 'bloodshed' were Jacques's dealings."

"That makes sense." Professor Amitola nodded. "Sienna Khan never would've allowed anything so radical. I know, I asked."

"How unfortunate," Professor K deadpanned.

"I might have asked for permission to kill Snow once or twice," added Professor Amitola nonchalantly. "She got annoyed of that pretty quick."

"Huh. Did you tell Snow?"

"Yeah, for the shits and giggles. She didn't really care though."

"I am very confused," Yang said, interrupting the conversation. "Please explain what the White Fang has to do with anything."

Professor Amitola laughed. "Well, they have everything to do with  _you—"_

Professor K elbowed her fellow time-traveler in the stomach.

"They're going to be our cannon fodder for the day," Professor K explained in a way that explained absolutely nothing.

"Okay...So now what?" asked Yang slowly. "Because you said they're gonna be here in a few hours…"

Professor K grinned. "You're going to help me set up security around Vale."

"This is not going to be fun," Professor Amitola said. She added sheepishly: "I'm only here because I'm in debt to the mob and Hound promised to get them the money for me if I do her dirty work."

Professor K remained stone-faced. "That's a 'you' problem, not a 'me' problem."

Ruby's jaw dropped.  _How did we end up here?!_

* * *

_ Now… _

_Boom!_

Even from a distance, Ruby was blown back from the explosion. She shielded her face with her arm.

"Gotcha!" Yang grabbed her by the cloak.

Ruby dropped her arm.

Below them, the smoke cleared and revealed Ryoko. "Hahahahahaha…  _Bring it on, grunts."_

Ryoko wiped her mouth. Her body  _was literally steaming._

The White Fang grunts looked at each other. They began backing away.

Ryoko grinned. She raised a hand. It burst on fire. "I totally needed this…"

One of Moon's summons, a Nevermore, slammed into a Bullhead. It burst into flames and spiraled towards the ground.

"Weiss, do you take back everything you said?!" asked Ruby. Her eyes were still firmly stuck on the scene unraveling around them.

Weiss swallowed. "Yes!"

"This was  _so_ worth the dick measuring contest!" Yang giddily yelled over the wind.

Blake was just completely dazed.

Professor Amitola made a face. "We better not be paying for the property damage."

A blast of shrapnel just barely missed the building they were standing on. Another blast of wind sent Team RWBY fumbling for a foothold.

Now Ruby understood why Professor Amitola and Professor K put them so far away from the docks. Any closer and Team RWBY would be toast—literally.

Ryoko, who Ruby couldn't just refer to as Professor X (it was weird to call your sister that, even if it was an inter-dimensional time-traveling version of your sister), slammed a ball of flame into the ground. The docks exploded.

"How am I doing this?!" Yang exclaimed. "Flaming balls aren't even in my power set!" She paused. "That came out wrong."

"...Are the White Fang going to be okay?" asked Blake. She looked worried for the grunts—which was kind of weird, because Ruby's never looked particularly worried for anyone before.

"They're not going to be  _dead_ ," Professor K said. "Ryoko and Moon are against unnecessary killing. Unfortunately."

"Unfortunately?!" Weiss stared.

"Ey, Hound. Should we go in?" asked Professor Amitola. She tapped her foot impatiently.

Professor K tilted her head. "Do we need to? Honestly, any of us could've done this alone."

Professor Snow destroyed another aircraft with a well-aimed summon. She didn't even bother pulling out her sword. Though Ruby had to admit, Professor Snow didn't need her sword to look awesome when she was already standing on the head of a freaking  _dragon._

"No, but I  _want_ to," Professor Amitola told Professor K.

Professor K grunted. "Don't look at me, I'm  _fourth-in-command,_ remember?"

"Touchè." Professor Amitola did a backflip and jumped off the building.

"...That wasn't necessary," Professor K grumbled. Then she yelled into her scroll: "For the love of the Gods, Moon, what part of 'keep a low profile' don't you understand?!"

Professor K paused. She listened to a response. A tick mark appeared on her forehead. "I know you hate the Gods! It's an  _expression."_

Professor Snow's dragon summon roared. It barreled into another aircraft.

"I'm keeping the police from coming with  _false_   _bomb threats_ here! That's the lowest of the low!" Professor K complained.

"YAAAAAAAAAH!" Ryoko exploded.

Professor K changed channels. "Ryoko! You're paying for this crap!"

Professor Amitola suddenly appeared in front of a man with a horrible bowler's hat and even more horribly unstyled ginger hair. She kicked him in the balls with so much force that it sent him flying through a dust crate. Suddenly, Professor Amitola's swords were in her hands.

Professor K changed channels again. "Iris,  _try not to kill our VIP."_

Yang turned her head. "Very important person?"

"Very important  _prisoner,"_ Professor K corrected.

"Oh. Silly me." Yang laughed nervously.

"Raise your hands where we can see them!" A police aircraft rose to the roof of the building.

"Whoops, I got distracted," said Professor K dully.

The aircraft hovered slightly over the roof. Three police officers had their guns pointed at Ruby and her teammates and (kind of) teacher.

 _They have the high ground,_ Ruby thought. Clearly, her mind had betrayed her with that one line.

"This is a huge misunderstanding!" Ruby exclaimed. "Really!"

"Wow, I'm not responsible?" Yang looked astonished. "This is a first!"

"Hands where we can see them!" the police officer repeated.

Professor K faced the aircraft. "I have an objection," she said coolly.

The police officer frowned.

"Unfortunately, I cannot physically have my 'hands' where you can see them as I only possess one singular hand," Professor K explained. "This is a problem."

"..." the police didn't seem to know what to say.

"Not to mention extremely rude," Professor K added.

"...My apologies," said the police officer reluctantly. "It is not my inten—"

The police officer fell off his aircraft and landed on the rooftop with an audible  _crack!_ —no, a black ribbon had wrapped around his waist and  _pulled him off._ Then Professor K had released her ribbon and punched the police officer in the face. The force sent his body slamming into the ground.  _Crack!_

It was just so fast that Ruby couldn't comprehend it until  _after it had happened._

"Fire! Fire!" shouted one of the remaining police officers.

Ruby tensed, her hand already reaching for Crescent Rose. Sure, she didn't expect her first real fight as a Huntress-in-Training to be with the  _po-po,_ but—

Professor K leaped into action. She deflected all the bullets and jumped onto the aircraft. The police didn't have time to react—they were only just turning when she jabbed them both in the neck. They fainted on the spot.

With a flick, Professor K rewrapped her ribbon around Gambol Shroud. She walked up to the pilot and jabbed him in the neck too.

This was done in only—a matter of  _seconds._

Professor K took her time landing the aircraft. She stepped onto the roof and faced four dumbfounded teenagers.

"Today's lesson." Professor K smirked. " _Never underestimate dropouts."_

* * *

Then Professor K took out her scroll and screamed at her fellow time-travelers to ' _hurry the hell up, I'm not dealing with the fucking police'._

"Yeesh." Ryoko exploded—in ice? and froze everything around her. Then she created an ice barrier around the docks.

Professor Snow summoned an army of griffons for the surviving aircrafts and Professor Amitola took care of the stragglers with her throwing knives.

The entire process totaled in under five minutes.

"...Why did it take all of you so long in the first place then?!" Weiss said. She's the only one on the team  _not_ dying from the cold.

 _She really is an ice queen,_ Ruby thought. She was kind of impressed.

Ryoko breathed out frost. "Eh. Taking your time in this kind of stuff helps with stress. It's like meditating!"

"It's nothing like meditating!" Weiss exclaimed. "It can't be farther from meditating! Do you even know what meditating is?!"

Ryoko opened an eye. "My psychiatrist told me to try it out once or twice..."

Professor K crossed her arms. She grumbled: "If I recall correctly, he was  _begging_ you to work on your meditation. Then he had to trouble  _me_ with  _your_ problems because  _you_ wouldn't cooperate."

Ruby hovered over the ginger-haired man with the bad hat. "Hey, I've seen you somewhere before!"

The man made a face. "I guess there's a reason why they say third time's the—"

Professor Amitola smacked the man in the back of the head with his own cane. "No talking, old man."

"Who are you calling— _ow!"_

Professor Amitola frowned. "What do we do with this guy?"

"...Keep him," Professor Snow said.

Professor Amitola sweatdropped. "Ah...Y'know, I'm  _pretty sure_ you can't keep people nowadays...er...or ten years ago.

"No, Moon has a point," said Professor K. "We can't hand Roman over to the police—if we do, we put ourselves on their radar."

Professor Amitola scratched her head. "..."

Ryoko looked over. "..."

"But I'm not keeping him in my room," Professor K added.

"So...What?!" Professor Amitola exclaimed as she realized this left her shared room with Snow. "No! Snow, say no!"

Professor Snow tilted her head. "Hrm…?"

"Snow!"

Ruby heard sirens in the background. "Uh…"

"...The police are coming," Professor Snow stated the obvious. "Let's go… Iris, grab Roman."

Professor Amitola made a face. "Yes, ma'am."

"Here?" asked Ryoko. Professor K had brought them to what looked like a random part of the ice barrier. The brunette nodded.

Ryoko melted a hole in the barrier. Which revealed—a shiny new truck?

Eight pairs of eyes (even Roman) turned to Professor K.

"Hound…" said Ryoko slowly. "Where did you get this?"

"...You don't want to know."

* * *

TIMELINE I - FUTURE

Jaune Arc didn't usually respond to his g-mails. They were tedious and he got way too many of them anyways (somehow, they multiply even faster than paperwork). And besides, the people that Jaune actually cared about had his phone number. They could always DM him.

So it really was a special occasion when not only did Jaune Arc respond to his g-mail, but he also took immediate action. Heck, he even stopped experimenting with the radioactive mice, which was almost impossible to do.

"It's been a while," Jaune said as he looked up at Beacon. "It kind of feels nostalgic—but then you remember all the horrible shit that went down in this building."

"If I remember correctly, I died here!" Penny 2.0 chirped cheerfully. "I kind of feel nostalgic too."

"Uh…" Jaune sweatdropped. "Penn...You aren't supposed to feel nostalgia for your own death."

"...I certainly don't," breathed Ren. The cyborg's eyes flicked about the large building. "I don't like being here either."

"..." Nora ran a hand through her hair. "Let's just get this over with."

"Haha...Aren't we all motivated today?" said Jaune. "Well, as team leader, I guess I'll lead the way."

Team JNPR walked through the gates. The building had (thankfully) gotten a complete remodel after it was destroyed in the race for the Relic of Choice. Glynda was more tasteful than Ozpin had ever been, thankfully. See, this time, the corridors actually had color! Though the elevator was...debatable.

"Is it me or does this music suck?" asked Nora. She was irritated, Jaune could tell. Nora hated romance songs—and romance anything really, with a burning passion that could rival that of the Sun's. Hey, that was kind of poetic!

_I don't know much~ But I know I love you~ That ma-_

Nora's fingers twitched.

"Nora," Ren warned.

"...Sorry."

"Ah, Ren, I was supposed to give you a check-up in a couple of days anyway, right?" asked Jaune. "Maybe we can do it right after this is over."

"Hm." Ren inclined his head in agreement.

_Ding!_

Glynda did not look good, decided Jaune. No, she was a complete mess.  _Totally frazzled_ would be accurate enough.

"You're here!" Glynda practically jumped out of her chair. "Thank the Go—" she remembered who she was talking to. "— _Lords."_

"You look horrible," Penny 2.0 told her bluntly.

"I-Well—"

"Penn…" said Jaune. "You're making Glynda feel even worse."

Penny 2.0 blinked. "Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Let's get to the point," Nora said. She ran a hand through her hair again. She's anxious—and nervous, Jaune noticed. Nora doesn't work well with authority figures. Especially not authority figures who had a connection to Ozpin. "You told us that Team WIYB went missing?"

Ah, there it was. The thing that got Jaune to stop his experiments with his radioactive rats!

Glynda sagged into her Headmaster's chair. She intertwined her fingers. "Yes…"

* * *

"And the giant ball of whatever-it-was just disappeared?" asked Jaune.

They're in the Vault now. The end of it—where Jaune had particularly  _un_ fond memories of had been scorched to hell and back. It looked like one of Yang's signature explosions all right.

"...With Team WIYB," added Ren.

"Uh...Yes, with Team WIYB," said Glynda.

"Ms. Glynda, you believe that the magical object was also responsible for the recent disappearances of the students as well?" asked Penny.

"...Unfortunately."

Nora examined the scorched marks on the walls. "And you're  _sure_ those disappearances aren't the work of a serial killer or something?"

"Considering that all of the disappearances have been Beacon students, this hypothetical serial killer must have a serious vendetta against Beacon, Ms. Valkyrie," said Penny. "Unfortunately, you would be a prime suspect if that were the case, especially considering your history—"

"Okay, okay, I get it." Nora raised her hands. "Let's put that serial killer idea on the back burner and talk about the floating orb of magic thingy!"

Jaune turned on his magic-detecting goggles (he hadn't found a good name for it yet, sue him). "Hm...There's definitely traces of magic left. I'm getting traces of Emerald's, Yang's, Weiss's, and an unknown source. Hold on, I'll compare the unknown source with my catalog."

"...We cataloged all known living magic-users and all magical artifacts, correct?" asked Ren.

"Yeah," said Jaune. He connected his goggles with his scroll and began the process. "If this turns out negative, we have a problem."

Nora let out a burst of laughter. "Then, of course, it's gonna turn out negative."

NEGATIVE

It turned out negative.

"Wow...What a turn of events," said Nora drily.

Jaune smirked. He entered a command into the code. "Ha, I've got another trick up my sleeves. See, we were searching for an exact match a before,  _but_ if you try searching for the  _closest_  match—"

Ren tilted his head. His mouth plate moved up and down as he said: "...Such as every working search engine in the world?"

Jaune paused. He thought about it. He let out a long sigh. "...Such as every working search engine in the world. So much for my awesome exposition dump."

COMPLETE

"Huh," Jaune said. "What a turn of events." He didn't really know if he meant it or not.

MAGICAL OBJECT - OZPIN'S CANE (aka. THE WORST THING IN EXISTENCE) ((*BETTER NAME PENDING*)) (((HOPEFULLY)))

Nora whipped her head around. " _What?!"_

Jaune made a face. "Gods, I put a lot of parentheses (...es?) in this one," he lamented. "Young Jaune was  _so_  unbearably lame and edgy."

* * *

Back in their dorms, Team RWBY played catch up with their homework.

"We really have to stop doing this," Yang said, bleary-eyed. "It's the second time this  _week."_

"But it was worth it this time!" Ruby said. She tapped her pencil on her bed. "Future-us are even more amazing than I thought! We're gonna have to work super-hard to be like them, guys~"

Weiss shivered. She muttered, "She's going to get ideas..."

Ruby looked out their window. "I can't wait to find out what I'm like in the future," she said, imagining a muscled badass grown-up version of herself with a stylish scar and a cool eyepatch (because that was  _totally_ realistic). "I'm going to ask someone…"

Weiss sighed. "She got ideas."


	6. I know my life's always been shit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Hey, you know what's not surprising? Fifteen percent will—I don't own RWBY!
> 
> "Hey, the first episode of Volume 6 just got released to the public for free and it's wayyy better than anything in Vol 5, go check it out!" ~ ARC

TIMELINE I - FUTURE

Nora was angry. An angry Nora might have been fun once upon a time, but that had been pretty thoroughly shoved in the past. "What the hell does this mean, Glynda?!"

"...Calm down, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation," Ren told her. His voice had no right being so soothing when Jaune  _had to piece his voice box together._

Glynda, for her part, looked as surprised as Team JNPR. "No...T-that isn't possible. I kept the cane locked away." She frowned. "I  _did_ try to destroy the sphere with it—"

"Which goes against our agreement!" Nora reminded her, pointing an accusing finger.

"But in that case,  _Jaune's scanner_ should've picked up the cane as a known source," Ren said. He turned to Jaune. "Hm?"

Jaune waved a hand. He was crouched on the floor and scanning the ground. "Ren's right. Whatever this thing was, it's not  _exactly_ Ozpin's cane, it's  _like_ Ozpin's cane."

"Great!" Nora threw her hands in the air. "So we have another one of those things!"

Penny blinked. "I don't believe it matters either way." She tilted her head. "Our priority is to find the missing Beacon members and Team WIYB, yes?"

"The magical artifact would help, but you're right…" Jaune chuckled. "As usual."

"I'm a literal computer, Jaune!"

"Well, computers tend to be as stupid as the people that make them." Jaune hummed. "I should make that line into a poster. That was pretty great."

"But I'm a literal computer made by a very  _very_ smart person!" Penny chirped. "And no, that line might sound anti-AI."

"...Point. We gotta stay politically correct and stuff." Jaune stood up. "Alright! Change of plans, fuck the magic object. Let's see if we can contact WIYB!"

Nora didn't like the idea of someone with anything like Ozpin's cane on the loose, but…She put a hand on her hip. "What the hell? I'm pretty sure that's already been done." She paused. "We tried to contact them, right?  _Right?"_

Team JNPR might have a laundry list of problems, but incompetency wasn't usually one of them. That was Team WIYB's thing.

"...I tried to get in contact immediately," Glynda said.

Nora turned to Ren. Sorry—but she didn't really trust old officials that much.

Ren nodded. "Yes."

Jaune grinned in a slightly hysterical way. "I've always wanted to mess with people's scrolls in a highly controlled lab environment!"

"Oh, but Whitley might be angry if you blow up one of his labs again!" Penny told Jaune cheekily.

While Nora had her utmost trust in Jaune and his abilities to blow things up, she didn't think he was getting to the root of the problem. This magical artifact sounded dangerous—and there was  _no way_ Nora was going to sit by and let it run loose.

Nora sighed. It looked like she was going solo again… There'd better be a lot less broken legs and hammer times this time around, among other things.

* * *

TIMELINE II - PAST

Iris didn't peg herself as the worrying type. Unfortunately, Snow seemed to be out to give her white hair as soon as possible.

"I can't believe you forgot to pack!" Iris threw a toothbrush into a duffle bag she had borrowed (stolen) from mini-Schnee. "You're supposed to leave  _today,_ Snow!"

Snow gave her a blank look. "...I didn't believe I needed to. As far as I'm aware, our possessions did not come with us into the past. ...And I'm low-maintenance."

"No, you aren't!" Iris stashed some unhealthy microwaveable ramen and burritos into the duffle bag. Snow had a tendency of forgetting to tend to personal needs, ie. eating and sleeping. Huh, maybe she should add some sleeping pills to the food… "Snow, you are the  _most high-maintenance_ person I've ever had to deal with—and I had a crush on  _Hound."_

Clearly, Iris had horrible taste in women. That...actually explained a few things. Huh. Gods, maybe she should ask Ryoko out. Ryoko looked like a well-adjusted adult, Ryoko  _acted_ like a well-adjusted adult, sure she had a giant box full of repressed traumatic memories and an alcohol problem and solved most of her problems by punching things, or throwing fire, or freezing stuff, or blowing wind, or making earthquakes but… Okay, maybe Ryoko wasn't the best choice for dating material.

Snow clipped Myrtenaster onto her. She paused and tilted her head. "...My apologies."

Iris sighed. "Apology accepted. Did you take your scroll?"

"...I forgot."

" _Snow!"_

* * *

A few scandals involving Snow's various personal belongings (or to be more accurate,  _lack_ of personal belongings), involving but not limited to coats, shampoos, post-it notes, and hot chocolate, later, Iris finally managed to feel kind of safe about letting Snow go to Atlas without her.

ATLAS - VALE OUTPOST

"...Well, you can say Atlas was never subtle," quipped Ryoko.

Iris, Snow, Ryoko, and Hound stood in front of the most advanced building on the block. It was tall, but wider and made of stainless steel painted luminescent white. The Atlas insignia proudly adorned the building, white spear and all. Gates surrounded the perimeter and Atlesian Knights guarded the area. Civilians kept a wide berth from the outpost.

Talk about overkill.

Iris scratched her cheek nervously. While she was (will be?) an Atlesian Specialist in the future, it didn't mean she had no animosity towards her birth country. Actually, she outright hated Atlas the most out of any of the kingdoms. ...That tells you something about Iris's life choices, doesn't it? Iris shook her head—it was no time to be regretting the past (future)! She could do that when she was teaching!

"Fortunately," Hound told Ryoko, "They have a long history of announcing their horrible plans to the entire world."

Snow tilted her head. "Hrm…"

Thank gods for lack of national pride, Iris thought. Even if it was kind of concerning that Snow was on the Atlas Council and Commander of the Army.

"I especially enjoyed the time when all transcriptions between the Board were leaked," Hound recalled. "Mistral had a field day."

"Hrm."

Iris laughed nervously. She had been  _kind of_ responsible for that little accident. Under orders from Snow—but  _still._

Getting impatient and skittish, Iris pushed Snow up to the front gate. "Do your thing!"

Snow tsked. Two Atlesian Knights quickly surround her.

" _State your designation and purpose,"_ droned the left droid.

"Moon  _Schnee -_ In need of transport to Atlas."

The Atlesian Knight scanned Moon. " _Identification: Negative. Please move away from the Gates."_

Moon frowned. "I would like to talk to an official…"

" _Permission: Denied."_

Moon stabbed the Atlesian Knight in the chest. It spewed electricity and fell onto the ground face-first. An audible gasp went up from onlookers.

"Hey, was that really necessary?" Iris hissed.

The next Atlesian Knight aimed its gun at Moon.

"No," Moon admitted. "But the world can do with less of these."

"Geez, that's harsh."

Hound chuckled. "Why Iris, our  _second_ smartest member of the team knows what she's doing. The lieutenant seems less than pleased, doesn't he?"

Iris looked up. Sure enough, a pale dark-haired man was storming down the steps of the outpost.

Ryoko got ready to pull out her charismatic negotiations skill that everyone else on the team sorely needed.

"What is going on here?!" The lieutenant exclaimed. Iris noticed that he kept a good distance away from them. "No one can just come in here and destroy Atlesian property! This is a—"

First, by law, Moon technically  _owned_ all Atlesian military property, and second:

"Hrm. I can pay you back ten-fold," Moon said dismissively. "I simply believed it would be the best course of action to receive an  _autonomous_ negotiator."

The lieutenant paused. "This isn't about the money—"

Moon held out a palm. A miniature glyph appeared. "No. It's about something else entirely."

Now Iris would be the first to scoff at the use of a name with power. Especially if that name was ' _Schnee',_ but desperate times called for desperate measures and Moon hated using her name almost as much as Iris hated it.

Jacques Schnee, being the power-hungry asshole he was, had infamously managed to worm his way into the Atlesian Council. Nobody knew  _how_  exactly, but it probably had something to do with the words 'blackmail' and 'having a monopoly on dust, literally the most important substance in technology and weaponry, how the hell did anyone think to let one company handle it was a good idea? or HOW THE HELL WAS THERE NO COMPETITION?!'. Oh...was that too many words?

The lieutenant stammered over his words to please the all-mighty, deus-ex-machina Schnee family name. "O-Oh! M-My apologies, madam, I-I'll get everything you need right away!"

Snow nodded slowly. "Yes. I require a private aircraft."

"...E-Excuse me?" The lieutenant blinked slowly.

"I require a private aircraft," Snow repeated.

"Please," Ryoko added diplomatically. Then she gave the lieutenant the most charming (and shiny) smile in existence.

"O-Of course!" The lieutenant ran inside.

Hound sniffed. "How do you do that?" she asked Ryoko. "Teach it to me."

Ryoko gaped. "No way in hell! Do you think you can be  _nice?!"_

"...No," Hound admitted. "...Okay, I see your point."

Iris carefully stepped over the Atlesian Knight Snow had stabbed. "Good job, Snow. That was actually a decent negotiation!"

Iris had to admit, she was tearing up a little. Sure, an Atlesian Knight got shish-kabobed and the lieutenant was half-scared to death, but no one died and/or got fatally injured or lost their jobs. By Snow standards, this was amazing! In fact, Iris would totally celebrate the occasion if Snow wasn't going to Atlas at that exact moment.

"Okay, okay," Iris said. "What did I tell you to remember, Snow?"

"...Hrm." Snow tilted her head. " 'Eat, drink, bathe, sleep' and 'try not to get too distracted'."

Iris nodded. "You forgot 'don't try to murder anyone NOT on the hit-list or sick Mytrenaster on any old people by accident', but close enough, I guess."

"I'll try my best," Snow said solemnly.

Iris patted her shoulder. "Just follow the plan, Snow. You'll be fine! You have Ryoko! Ryoko practically preaches common sense! Everything will be okay."

Really, Iris was saying this for her own benefit than anything. Snow was a single-minded machine—she never let any doubt sow in. But she was reckless, kind of stupid when it came to decisions, and  _cared about others more than herself._ Selflessness, Iris learned, was more of a curse than anything else.

"And what do I always tell you?" Iris said.

Snow grunted. " _Ilia,_ I'm  _fine._ I  _will be_  fine. There's no need for you to worry so much."

"Please don't jinx it," Iris said, even though she knew Snow had probably already jinxed it. Iris had been around Nora enough times to know how this always worked out. "Now…"

Snow sighed. " 'There's a reason why emergency manuals tell people to put on their mask before they help anyone else. If you're dead, you can't help anyone, dipshit.' How crude."

A tick-mark appeared on Iris's head. "I don't care how crude it has to be to get the point across, Snow! We don't have Jaune here to heal whatever bone or muscle you decide to destroy in the future...or past or whatever, this time around!"

Snow winced. "I...understand."

"Honestly, you're such a masochist," Iris muttered. "How come I always choose the  _worst_ people to deal with?"

Seriously, it was either those shitty asshole classmates back in prep school, Hound the smart-ass she had to fall in love with, Hound's abusive and all-around insane boyfriend, Ryoko and her faulty memory, a narcissistic wizard, the literal devil's incarnate, or Snow. Snow was the worst.

"...Sorry, I didn't catch that," Snow said.

"Nothing," Iris told her too quickly.

"I-I'm back!" the lieutenant announced, running down the steps of the outpost.

Hound's ear twitched. "You hurt my ears. All four of them, by the by. What's the point of shouting 'I'm back!' when we can all  _clearly_ see you're back? How redundant. Hmph, what a waste of energy."

The lieutenant stopped in his tracks. He turned red. "Well—uh, I-"

"She doesn't mean it," Ryoko told him. "She's just kind of a bitch and a smartass. Uh, trust me, you get used to it."

"...So rude," Hound said, completely missing the irony. Or, knowing Hound, intentionally causing the irony.

"...When I get back, I'm going to hang around mini-Blake," Ryoko declared. "So I can relive my happy memories of 'actually a decent person' Blake."

"...That isn't fair," Hound said, but she kept her mouth shut.

Really, Gods bless Ryoko for putting up with Hound on a daily basis. Even Iris couldn't—and Iris was the one who pinned after Hound for  _literal years._

Iris took pity on the Lieutenant. "You were saying…?"

"Ah, yes. Well, I contacted the head of the Schnee Dust Company—"

Snow blinked. "Excuse me?"

"—And I was informed that Specialist Winter Schnee would personally escort you to Atlas. She will arrive shortly."

"We should've expected this," Hound said blithely. "Now I have business to attend to, like  _work,_ so I'll happily show myself out…"

"Wait, what?" Iris asked. She watched Hound  _literally_ bow out from the outpost. "Hound!"

"It's okay," Ryoko told Iris. "We can handle everything from here. ...And uh...you should probably keep an eye out for Hound."

"I heard that!" Hound exclaimed. She'd already walked halfway down the block. Those four ears were scary…

Iris got the 'I'm so sorry' look from Ryoko. Iris appreciate the sentiment, she really did, but…

She turned her attention to Snow. Snow's visible eye was glassy—like she was remembering a distant past. She probably was.

Ryoko gave Iris a thumbs-up. "Don't worry, we've got this!"

"Yeah, okay…"

Snow turned her head. She blinked and she escaped the trance she had been in. Iris saw her lip twitch upwards. "Don't worry. I remember."

Iris relaxed. "Okay…"

* * *

That was how Iris left Snow and Ryoko, with Snow reassuring her that everything was under control.

Iris regretted leaving as soon as she caught up to Hound.

The anxiety-ridden part of her, the part of her that'd internalize the idea that everything that can go wrong will go wrong from her lifelong experiences, the part of her that made her check if she left the door unlocked  _over and over_ again in a  _feedback loop from hell,_ was having a mini-panic attack.

"If you're that worried, just call them," Hound told her simply. The brunette was using her scroll as she walked—probably engaging in activities that were  _less than legal._

"Snow will get annoyed," Iris said. She sighed. "I need a distraction. I think I'm gonna hit the bar later."

Hound raised an eyebrow. Then she said the most off the wall thing she'd said in a while, while she was still tapping at her scroll no less: "Iris, are you gay for Moon?"

"WHAT?!" Iris froze. She scared passersby with a sudden aura spike. " _No!_ W-Wha...Blake, she isn't even my type!  _You're_ my type."

Whoops, she forgot to use 'Hound' there.

Hound blinked. "Well, this conversation just got more personal than I expected…"

"What? Are you still gay for Ryoko?" Iris shot.

"...I overstepped my boundaries. Sorry," Hound conceded. "Hm...I didn't expect such a big reaction from  _you_ of all people."

Iris began walking again. She scratched her cheek. "Just because I confessed to you  _that one time we will never speak of again_ and hook up with people a lot doesn't mean there aren't limits, Hound."

"...I suppose I should've used my better judgment."

"Besides,  _even if_  I had a thing for her, Snow still needs to deal with way too much shit. She has...well, a butt-load of problems."

Hound snorted. "Don't we all?"

* * *

Iris had most periods off. Beacon was a big school, but it had very little students. For one, were only forty students and three classes in First Year. Iris would assume there'd be even fewer students in the other years, what with the trials and tribulations of being a Huntsman and all that.

Iris still had trouble wrapping her head around the idea of people that would  _volunteer_ for this type of life, forever condemned to do the bidding of others—Ryoko once told Iris that for her, it had been about the adventure...and her sister.

Whatever the case, Iris somehow found herself spending some quality time with Broman Toothpick or whatever in her room. Iris had locked the guy away in a closet a few nights ago, and she kind of felt bad for it so…

"Lady, do you  _know_ how claustrophobic that closet is?!" Toothpick was on the floor, struggling against the ropes that Iris had tied around him. He had no chance, of course. Those ropes were Atlas Specialist-certified Gear. Or ASG (*pronounced 'ass' if Iris had any say in it) for short.

"No," Iris answered honestly. She crossed her legs and bit into a microwaved burrito she had left in the room. Sure, it was only third period, but Iris liked food and the sooner she had food the better. "But where else was I supposed to put you? I can't have you watching me and Snow sleep, can I?"

"Who the hell do you take me for?!"

"...Broman Toothpick?"

The man managed to stop struggling for a hot second. He blinked. "Who's— _Oh._ That's not my name! It's  _Roman Torchwick."_

"That's nice, Toothpick," Iris said. "So apparently you die sometime in the next few months and that's why I've never met you."

"What?" Toothpick asked.

Iris ignored him. "But if Neo liked you then you can't be  _so_ bad, right?"

"...Neo? How do you know her?! Lady, I swear—"

"Oh, we don't know each other  _that well._ We fought together to save the world, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, a lot of people tried to save the world so that isn't saying much but…" Iris shrugged. "Neo was kind of more important so…"

" _Please_ stop speaking in riddles," said Toothpick. He sat in the 'criss-cross applesauce' position, apparently giving up on escaping his bindings. "It hurts my head."

Iris made a sour face. "I hate riddles. I've had enough of those to last a lifetime."

"Uhuh." Toothpick did not sound convinced.

"I like you," Iris decided. "For a mini-boss criminal, you're not actually that bad."

"...What?" Toothpick tried to keep up with Iris. He failed.

"And you didn't complain that much in that closet," Iris said. "I can appreciate that."

* * *

_A Few Days Ago_

" _LET ME OUT! I SWEAR I'LL DO ANYTHING!"_

_The sound of banging erupted from inside of the closet._

" _...Iris, shouldn't you check on that?" Ryoko asked. She had invited herself into the room for poker night, a thing that Snow had absolutely no interest in and Hound had been banned from._

_Iris furrowed her eyebrows. "Why?_

" _PLEEAAAAASE! ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE, I'D LIKE TO GO, TOODALOO!"_

" _...Four of a kind," Iris said, showing her cards._

" _Dammit!"_

* * *

Iris nodded to herself. "Yes, definitely less than the usual man."

"Are you telling me you have experience?!"

Iris patted Toothpick's head. The man was intimidated. "So I owe Neo my life a few times, Hound ran off (don't tell her I used the word 'run', she hates it) to obliterate her ex-boyfriend, and Moon and Ryoko are off to Atlas. See the problem?"

"No?"

"I have nothing to do!" Iris declared. "Sooooo...let's go get Neo."

"I'm not giving Neo to some crazy lady!"

"Not  _now,"_ Iris said. "I have classes."

The bell rang. Iris looked at Toothpick. "See?" She frowned. "I'm on lunch duty…"

Toothpick's eyes widened. "I don't like that look. I don't like that look!"

Iris snapped her fingers. "Okay! You're coming with me!"

"I knew I didn't like that look!"

* * *

"What is  _that?"_ Yang looked behind Iris. Torchwick's wrists were tied behind his back and generally speaking, he looked like a complete mess. He had lost his suit and he had a serious cowlick problem.

"Oh, just a friend," said Iris. She hoped that she communicated 'seriously, just pretend you've never seen Toothpick before in your life' with her stare

"But—"

Beneath the dining table, Blake kicked Yang. "...We've never seen him before," she said in a completely unconvincing monotone.

Iris felt the urge to shove this Blake in Hound's face. She would say, 'look at her, being helpful and understanding basic human decency even if she's very  _very_ bad at lying!'.

"Professor Amitola!" Ruby Rose chirped. She opened her mouth, ready to say something—

Mini-Schnee slammed her face onto the table. "...Ruby got ideas."

"So future-Wei—"

Blake put a hand to her throat. She shook her head at Ruby.

"—Uh, I mean,  _Professor Snow, Professor X, and Professor K_  are all super-awesome and powerful huntresses and I was wondering if future-me could be like them!" Ruby nodded vigorously.

Iris felt like bolting out of the room there and then.  _Oh gods, why her?_ She stared into Ruby's adorable innocent puppy-eyes  _(silver eyes)_. "I-I don't think I should tell you. Future knowledge and stuff…"

"But that doesn't matter anymore, right? We already know—"

Blake shook her head again, faster this time.

"...a ton of Huntsmen stuff!"

"Um…" Iris scratched her cheek nervously.

"Just humor the girl," said Toothpick

That was...a horrible idea on every level, Iris thought. Toothpick believed Iris was just a crazy professor, a crazy professor that kept people in closets, but a crazy professor nonetheless. If Iris gave Ruby false expectations...well, there was no saying what could happen. Iris knew a little about false expectations herself...they never lead anywhere good.

What would Ryoko do?! Oh wait, Ryoko was a horrible influence, she'd probably— _oh._

"How about this?" Iris said slowly. "If you and your team can beat me in a spar, I'll tell you everything."

_Gahhhhhhhhhhhh! Noooooooo! This was a horrible idea! Rewind, rewind!_

Ruby's eyes lit up. "A test to see if we're worthy? Yes!"

Weiss groaned. "I hate 'worthy' tests…"

_What the hell have I gotten myself into?! I'm going to crush their dreams!_

Toothpick raised an eyebrow. "...Well, this wasn't what I expected."

"Please shut up."

"Look on the bright side, Freckles. You can't kick them in the balls."

"..."

"No seriously, my balls still hurt like hell and it's definitely your fault."

* * *

Ruby had gone out and scheduled a training session and everything after the school day was over. Iris was kind of impressed, the girl clearly had a love for fighting things.

She was a good leader,  _charismatic, smart._ Ruby Rose might not have the ability to charm people into doing her bidding as her sister could, but she never needed it. Ruby was a natural leader—Yang was only charisma.

That was Iris's final impression of the sisters before she had fallen into this alternate timeline. But...it was kind of hard to believe when Ruby bumbled around the training room, trying to do strategy with her clearly less enthusiastic teammates.

"Come on, Weiss! We've gotta team up on her with a  _plan!_ You—"

"Dolt, she can hear you."

Iris waved at them. She was all the way across the room. "Take as much time as you want, I don't care!"

"Oh!" Ruby managed to lower her voice to a whisper.

Toothpick rubbed his wrists. Iris had decided to tie his feet together instead of his hands while they were in the training room. It wasn't like he'd need to go anywhere anyway.

"You think you can beat all four of them at once?" Toothpick asked. "I don't know about the others, but Red is already a powerhouse."

Iris laughed. "After what I've been through? I'd better be good enough to beat all four of them."

"What does that say about  _me?"_ Toothpick wondered, a bit distraught.

"We're ready!" Ruby called.

Iris walked into the training ring. Team JNPR waved 'Go RWBY!' flags from the sidelines.

Ah, yes. Apparently, they got invited somehow. Iris liked them well enough, she supposed. Jaune was kind of a wimp in the past, but Ren and Nora weren't... _littered with suffering and pain_ and as a result, were  _much_ easier to be around _._ As for Pyrrha Nikos, Iris never knows much about her, but from what she'd seen, the girl was nice.

Team RWBY had apparently decided to start off in an orderly line on the opposite end of the training ring. In order from right to left, they were Weiss, Ruby, Yang, and Blake. All four girls already had their weapons drawn. A hologram appeared in the air, displaying all combatants' aura levels.

It began a countdown:  _Three…_

Team RWBY tensed. They weren't too subtle with it.

_Two…_

Iris stretched.

_One…_

_Go!_

Ruby was the first to reach Iris. It was only natural, her semblance wasn't a variant of 'super-speed' for nothing…

Ruby swung her scythe like it was nothing—and from personal experience, Iris knew that Crescent Rose  _wasn't_  nothing _._ Even if this Crescent Rose wasn't as advanced as its future-variant, it was still just as impressive.

Iris swerved to the side, completely dodging the attack.

Ruby's eyes widened. "Wha—"

Iris grabbed Ruby's arm. She aimed it towards the ground. Ruby lost her balance. Iris flung her toward the edge of the training room.

Blake was next. She didn't look particularly excited to fight Iris, but she still threw a ribbon around Iris's foot. Iris swung her leg, sending the ribbon into the air. She grabbed it with her hand and pulled. Blake was dragged along her ribbon, and Iris released just as Blake got too close her. Iris kicked Blake in the stomach, sending her flying pass Weiss.

Honestly, you would think Team RWBY never bothered to learn how to fight together. Iris was kind of disappointed.

Weiss slid on her glyphs. She aimed Myrtenaster at Iris's chest. Ice projectiles shot out of the rapier. With a flick of her hand, Iris unsheathed one of her swords. She sliced through the ice projectiles.

Weiss jumped into the air. Glyphs formed around Iris. Weiss propelled herself off one of them, soaring towards Iris. She slashed Myrtenaster—Iris blocked the rapier. Another flick made Iris's other sword appear in her hand. She blocked a strike from Yang's gauntlet.

Yang grinned. "Gotcha."

Iris smirked. "Sure." She vanished.

Without a barrier, Yang landed a clean hit on Weiss. Weiss flew out of the training ring.

_WEISS SCHNEE - ELIMINATED_

"Sorry!" Yang exclaimed.

"Sorry?! That hurt!" Weiss clenched her stomach. Her eyes widened. "Behind you!"

Yang turned—but she was hardly fast enough. Iris sheathed her sword, grabbed Yang by her scarf, and slammed her into the ground.

_YANG XIAO LONG - ELIMINATED_

"Noooooo!" Ruby jumped back into the fray—or technically, she flew into the fray. She barreled into Iris in her rose petal form. Iris quickly sheathed her remaining sword. This Ruby probably never experienced it but— _her petals are her literal self, if they get ripped, so does she._ Iris darted out of the mini-tornado. She let Ruby form into a person, then she unsheathed one sword and feigned a blow. Ruby fell for it, instinctively raising Crescent Rose. Iris clenched her left hand into a fist and punched—

 _Bang!_ Iris jumped away.  _Shit! The freaking thing is a sniper, I forgot!_

Smoke rose from Crescent Rose's barrel. Ruby grinned. "Got you!"

"...Not good enough!" Iris threw her sword. It missed Ruby.

Ruby blinked. "Okay!" She transformed Crescent Rose into a sniper and aimed at Iris—

_Zzzzzz!_

"Gah!" Ruby got electrocuted by Crescent Rose. "Huh—!?"

After that, it was only a matter of throwing Ruby out of the ring.

RUBY ROSE - ELIMINATED

Iris flicked her wrist. Her sword streamed back into her hand. Iris wasn't nearly as fast as Hound, there was no way in hell she could pull off anything like unsheathing her sword so quickly that it looked like it was a flick of the hands. Or at least not without  _help_. Paper thin metal wires were hard to notice, harder to find and snap. And even better, they were  _dust conductors._

Iris whirled around and parried Gambol Shroud—but her sword glided straight through the shadow clone. Blake—the real one—jumped forward, her sheathe in front. Iris grinned. Mini-Blake really was cute, but unfortunately for her, Iris had a long history of getting beaten up by Hound. Iris flicked her remaining sword into her non-primary hand. She deflected the sheathe and pulled the same trick she did with Ruby—sending electric dust down her wires. Blake drops her sheathe. Iris parried Blake's katana with her free sword, then she brought her other sword back up to Blake's neck.

Blake froze.

"Yield?" Iris asked.

"...Yield."

_BLAKE BELLADONNA - ELIMINATED_

_WINNING TEAM - IRIS AMITOLA_

"Awwww," Ruby said. She walked back into the ring. "This is kind of embarrassing…"

"Kind of?!" Weiss exclaimed.

"Yeah, we got our butts kicked…" Yang admitted. She lifted her face off the ground.

"And who's fault was that?!"

"I said sorry…"

Iris sheathed her swords. She scratched her cheek. "Well, better luck next time, I guess."

"Next time?!" Ruby's eyes shined.

_Oh gods, what have I done?!_

"Professor Amitola!" The door flew open. One Glynda Goodwitch stormed into the training room, making Team JNPR dive behind the nearest weapon collection. "Report to—What in the world is going on here?!"

Glynda must have seen Iris, standing completely unharmed in the middle of the training ring with four clearly exhausted students spread throughout the room.

"...Training?" Iris tried.

"You're the History Teacher—"

Iris laughed nervously, remembering that she had changed the course into something  _with absolutely nothing to do with History._ Unless you counted historical torture methods...

"— _not_ the Combat Teacher. Speaking of, I believe our  _real_ Combat Teacher has gone missing."

"...Oh. That sounds like a problem  _completely unrelated to me,"_ Iris said.

Glynda leveled Iris with a death glare. "I would believe otherwise, Iris Amitola of Team SIHR."

"Someone's in trouble~" Yang whispered.

_...Oh. OH._

Iris pieced two and two together.

Hound had told Iris that she 'had urgent business to attend to and couldn't deal with any Beacon-related issues today'. And here was Glynda, a Beacon-related issue.

_The bastard threw me under a bus, got in the driver's seat, and ran me over!_

Iris wasn't going to the bar tonight. Dammit.

* * *

**Omake: Halloween Special! (I know Halloween's over, shut up)**

"It's my birthday!~" Ruby exclaimed. That was the first thing she did when she woke up.

Blake fell off her bed.

"Be quiet, dunce! It's 3:00!" Weiss shrieked. She paused. "Wait—it's your birthday?"

Yang put her face in her hands. "Oh, no…"

"Your birthday's on Halloween?" Weiss asked.

"Yuuuuuup!"

"Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no…" Yang repeated over and over again.

Ruby pointed a finger at the ceiling. "Team! Dress up, we're collecting my candy!"

Yang groaned in despair.

* * *

"I thought I'd find you here," Iris said. She was exhausted and a  _complete mess,_ but hey, she got to Patch on time! (Barely, Snow was already gone when she woke up, and even when Iris practically ran to the air stop, she almost missed the ride.) "You know, Snow. You might forget, with Ryoko and Emerald running around, that most people  _can't fly."_

Snow didn't respond. She stood at the edge of the hill, staring off into  _somewhere._

Iris made an annoyed noise in her throat. She was  _so_ not having it this year. Iris grabbed Snow by the collar of her coat and dragged her away from the hill. "Cheer up, we're celebrating Halloween this year!"

Snow blinked herself out of her daze. "...What?"

* * *

"...Ryoko, go trick-or-treating with me," Hound said, completely deadpan.

Ryoko almost flew into the ceiling. " _The hell?!"_

Her partner had put together a costume that looked barely competent. Hound wore a giant witch's hat and a cloak that was dragging on the floor.

Ryoko thought she was dreaming. "...Are you okay, Hound?"

"I'm perfectly fine," Hound said indignantly. She sniffed. "I just thought that we should take the opportunity to capitalize on children on this... _wonderful_ day of the year. Especially when we aren't famous heroes yet."

"...Oh, that makes a lot more sense," Ryoko said. She relaxed. For a second there, she thought Hound had been replaced by a much more fun imitator.

"...And as much as I hate to admit it, Ryoko, you're a lot more convincing as a teenager than me."

"...You had to make it worse, didn't you?"

* * *

"Trick-or-treat!" Ruby exclaimed. A tiny old lady opened her door. "It's my birthday!"

The old lady looked ready to die from cuteness. "Oh, how sweet, my darling! Wait here, I have a special treat for you!"

Yang, Weiss, and Blake stood behind Ruby. They looked at each other.

Hound watched all for of them from her perch on a building. One of her ears twitched. "...If only I was that cute...imagine how many ways I could use such a skill to my advantage…"

Ryoko knocked her on the head. "You're already making money off of little kids!" She pointed at the candy claw machine Hound had set up down the street. "Let my little sister go, Hound."

"...Ugh, fine." Hound's eyes glinted. "Now get me more candy."

Ryoko mimed strangling herself.

* * *

Iris was a little intimidated. "Snow, you are a way too convincing vampire."

"...I don't take that as a compliment." Snow adjusted her fine collar. "Iris...I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible."

"Right, right." Iris quickly snapped a picture with her scroll.

"...What was that?"

"Oh, nothing." Just that Ryoko owed her fifty bucks now. "Anyways, it's in-and-out, Snow. We're just going to visit a party."

"...I hate parties.

"There's candy."

"..."

* * *

"Shit!" Ryoko cursed. The old lady gasped and dropped a bunch of candy in Ryoko's bag.

"Sorry," Ryoko apologized. "I just...Yeah, sorry. I'll leave now!"

She high-tailed it out of the entire block. Ryoko jumped onto a building and threw her bag of candy at Hound. Hound caught it. "You're back...That was early."

"I almost gave a random old lady a heart attack," Ryoko said by way of explanation. She pulled out her scroll. "Iris got Moon into a vampire costume."

Hound blinked. "How much do you owe her?"

"...Fifty."

"Impressive." Hound whistled.

* * *

Iris really needed that fifty lien from Ryoko. Snow emptied Iris's wallet faster than Iris did herself.

"...Snow, If you like eating so much,  _why don't you eat on normal days?!"_

Snow started her sixth lollipop. "...I forget."

"Why do you forget?!"

"...Eating isn't that important." Snow paused and thought for a second. "...Most food are bland too."

Iris stopped herself from slamming her head on the wall...repeatedly.

* * *

Weiss dropped onto her bed. For once, she was happy to get the lower bunk. She was  _exhausted._

"I am  _never_ doing that again," she declared. She didn't even want to look at the back-breaking amount of candy she had to carry back to the dorm.

"Feel my pain," Yang said simply.

Blake groaned.

"What's up?" Ruby walked out of the bathroom.

""Nothing!"" Weiss and Yang yelled. Blake simply went, "Hn."

* * *

Hound nodded to herself proudly. "I'd say today's 'get rich quick' scheme was a success. Aren't you proud of our accomplishments, Ryoko?"

Ryoko threw Hound's stupid hat at her. "I don't know...I  _do_ feel bad about making money off kids, y'know."

"It was for a good cause."

"I lost fifty lien."

"Don't worry, I'll share my earnings with you."

"...Thanks." That was actually surprisingly nice of Hound.

* * *

"How did your Halloween go, ladies?" Toothpick asked. He'd been let out of the closet on the basis that Halloween was the only day where a chained-up criminal wouldn't look  _too_ disturbing in a professor's dormitory.

"I'm in debt with the mob again," Iris told him.

At the same time, Moon said, "Good."

Iris stared.

"What?" Moon asked.

Iris scratched her cheek. "Nothing!"

"...I'm getting rid of the costume now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo, peoples...I know this is late, but this somehow got turned into a really long chapter. Yeah, I dunno how it happened either.
> 
> Brother beta'd this one.
> 
> Oh, and I'm doing episode reactions on this story and my other story 'Stars Never End' whenever they air to the public so:
> 
> Aros's Reaction to Volume 6 Episode 1
> 
> Holy shit, RWBY's good again! Ilia's new outfit looks amazing. Neptune looks amazing, and oh my god, look at him trying to flirt with Ilia! (Like Blake said, wrong tree, dude). The animation has gotten way better—including the fight scenes so…. And also, the old lady, Maria, is clearly best girl of the Volume (sorry, Weiss).
> 
> Here's a Twitter Plug for if anyone needs to contact me: aroszjoker
> 
> Reviews, Favorites, and Follows make my day, guys!


	7. Sisters are blisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Yeah...I will never have the rights to RWBY
> 
> "Sometimes, you just want to strangle family—Did I say sometimes? I meant, 'every time'," ~ ARC

There was something about the idea of waiting for your previously very dead older sister ten years in the past that made Moon very...uncomfortable.

She had no idea what that something was.

She decided to express this confusion to Ryoko. She had nothing better to do anyway, Ryoko and Moon were stuck in a colorless (Atlas was famous for its inability to figure out that there were colors  _other_ than white, grey, or black...and white, grey, and black  _weren't even colors so…_ ) office for the time being.

Whatever the case with Atlas's color problems, Moon found herself more preoccupied with the look Ryoko was giving her. As in, Ryoko looked ready to punch her.

That wasn't a good sign—it usually meant Moon had royally screwed up in some way. Moon tilted her head and asked, "...What did I say?"

"Moon….When was the last time you went to therapy?" Moon thought that Ryoko really had no right asking, considering that Ryoko  _also_  went to therapy.

"...I fired the therapist." He had been perplexingly adamant about getting Moon to read various books on 'emotions' and 'coping' and giving her medicine. It had bothered Moon—so she fired him. She recalled, "Whitley wasn't happy with the decision."

"Gee, I wonder why," Ryoko said drily. "How is Bitchley, by the way? I heard he's less of an ass now...er, in the future."

Moon hummed. "Fine as a sociopath could be, I suppose."

"Wait—did he really get diagnosed?" Ryoko asked. "Jaune posted something on his feed."

"Yes."

"Well, I'm not one to talk, but you have one messed-up family."

"Yes."

"Well, how informative." Someone—a woman with white hair and cold grey-blue eyes—had entered the room.

Of course, Moon felt Winter's presence before she had even turned the doorknob—aura was really something—but Moon thought it would've been rude to cut off her conversation with Ryoko. Ryoko must have had a similar line of thought because she hadn't stopped either.

So maybe it was just that Moon and Ryoko didn't care enough to stop talking about dysfunctional families. Specifically, the dysfunctional family Moon and Winter belonged to.

Specifically.

"Winter~!" Ryoko exclaimed. She jumped out of her chair. "Wow! You are a lot less scary than I remember!"

Yes, Moon mused, Winter  _was_ a lot less imposing than she remembered too. Maybe it was the face—Winter tried, she really did, to stare down Ryoko but see, Ryoko towered over her by  _at least_ a head. Needless to say, Winter was failing. Miserably.

Though, unfortunately, Winter was still taller than Moon.

Well.

To put it simply, that sucks.

Winter made a face. Even then, she continued her attempt, and continued failing, to look intimidating. "I don't believe I've ever had the... _pleasure_  to meet you…?"

Ryoko studied Winter carefully then. In a manner that really didn't fit with her personality. At all. Then the moment broke and Ryoko snickered. "Right. You can call me Ryoko. And my very not-smart friend over there is Moon."

"I have an IQ of 139," Moon said lamely.

"Yeah, and you use none of those points," Ryoko fired.

"That is categorically untrue—"

"I do not care how intelligent this Moon may or may not be and I care even less about how she applies her intelligence," Winter said coolly. "I  _do_ care for what I've been called here to investigate."

Moon had always heard negative comments about her sister—though to be fair, she heard negative comments on  _everyone_ in her family—but she remembered the ones about Winter the clearest. Likely as Moon had an inclination to storm off and/or yell at anyone who said anything negative about Winter when she had been in her awful  _puberty stage_ and stab and/or scare the living daylights out of anyone who said anything negative about Winter in her  _improved adult years._ Said negative comments tended to involve the statements 'cold bitch' and 'ten-foot pole up her ass'. Moon had not thought of Winter in that way ever—after all, Winter was the best sister anyone could ever have (just look at Ryoko)—

Until now.

Okay, Moon could see it now.

Winter was a total quote on quote 'cold bitch'.

" _Cold,_ " Ryoko had to comment. Then she snickered. "Get it? Get i—"

"''...Please stop,"" Moon and Winter said at the same time.

Ryoko raised her hands.

Winter ignored Ryoko. She leveled her gaze on Moon, who she could  _actually_  stare down—if only by a few inches. "So...you're a Schnee. Or at the very least a good imitation of one."

Moon summoned a miniature version of her favourite summon, the White Knight. If Hound was here, she'd spew off something about 'symbolism' and 'emotional attachment', then go on a rant about her own 'symbolic action' by staying mono-armed.

"Hm." Winter frowned. "Very well. What is your connection to the Schnee family name?"

Ah, that might be a problem. Really, Moon was planning on walking into the Schnee mansion,  _her_ house, and taking over by force.

"I'm your sister," Moon said lamely.

She realized her mistake a fraction of a second later.

Maybe Ryoko had been right about the IQ thing.

Winter's eyes flashed. "Really."

Well, yes. Really.

"I...wasn't aware of a half-sister."

Ryoko cringed for Moon. Moon found herself at a loss for what to say. What  _could_ she say? 'Yes, I am absolutely your half-sister. Our alcoholic of a mother totally somehow conceived a child with a man before she even met and married Jackass—a bad life decision that would span generations, by the by. And she managed to forget and/or cover up this little fact up for over two decades!'

Moon motioned for Ryoko to  _please_ do damage control. Leader's orders.

"We'll explain on the way to Atlas! Uh...we  _are_  going to Atlas, right? Obviously, Moon needs to get a DNA test or something."

"I do?"

"You do. For all Winter knows, you could be a distant cousin thirteen times removed," Ryoko told Moon. Moon completely missed the frantic finger signals Ryoko sent her way.

But Moon nodded anyway.

They got on Winter's airship.

Ryoko tried to strike up a conversation with Moon's not-sister/real-sister/fake-half-sister.

It turned out to be harder than she thought it would be.

Ryoko guessed she got too used to  _social_ Schnees. Which was ridiculous, because Moon was the farthest from social you could get and Whitley was apparently an actual certified sociopath.

So Ryoko found herself leaning over Winter's chair, making random cracks at talking and trying to distract Winter from driving. Oh, was that dangerous? Maybe, but every person on the airship could fly so it'd be okay if they crash. Though Winter might make her pay for damages. That might be a problem, actually,

Ryoko regretted not talking to Winter much before she died. She should've, really. Winter could've given her some tips and tricks.

"What's your favorite color?" Ryoko paused, then added, "It has to be a real color."

"...White."

"That's not a real color."

Winter's eyebrow twitched—and usually, Ryoko didn't have a thing for annoying people, Hound was the one who did, but there was just something about  _Schnees._

Besides Moon—Moon was no fun anymore. All Moon did was give her blank one-eyed looks. Damn, Ryoko needed to annoy Weiss when she got back to Beacon. Weiss was so... _annoyable._ But she had to settle for Winter for now.

"So Winter, is it true that you have a crush on Qrow Branwen?" Okay, Ryoko was totally wearing a shit-eating grin right there.

Winter spun her head around and her airship tilted. " _What?"_

"Oh no, I've just heard some things...It's okay, though. My un- _brother_  is a total steal." If you took away his debilitating Semblance, that was.

"I. Do. NOT. Have. A.  _Crush._ On. Qrow. Branwen," Winter gritted out. She put her airship back on course. "How. Childish."

"Okayyyy," Ryoko said cheerfully.

"Ryoko. You're embarrassing my sister," Moon told her flatly.

"Woah, Moon. Already acting like the older sister?"

Moon blinked slowly. "I  _am_ older." She walked into a corner and started mumbling about 'time flying by' and 'there is no meaning to life' and 'oh, how long it's been since the good old days…'.

Oh lord, Ryoko thought, I think I put Moon in a mid-life crisis at the ripe old age of 29.

"Hey, Moon…" Ryoko said aloud, because she knew that wallowing in your own self-pity was one of the best ways to go completely mind-fucked. Heck, she was practically living proof. "It's okay, really. Everyone grows old. We're all going to be famous grandmas someday and—"

She was going to say something really inspirational, she really was. Something along the lines of 'age is no barrier; it's a limitation you put on your mind!'...or something equally as stupid and non-inspirational.

But then the Grimm attacked and stopped Ryoko from spewing her non-inspirational quotes.

Thank the Lord!

But also—"Alright, Moon, were you letting out negative energy?"

"Schnees naturally release negative energy," Moon said flatly—it made a scary amount of sense, actually. "Though Grimm are also attracted to magic—so you're to be blamed equally. Or one-third, for that matter."

"I know." Ryoko walked over to a small window and planted her face on it. "I count a few medium-sized Nevermores, two big ones, and a flock of Manticores."

"Manticores?" Moon asked. "It's August. It's 81 degrees outside. It's so sunny I'm going to get a tan."

"Moon, you get a tan when it's cloudy." Ryoko narrowed her eyes. The Manticores  _were_ suspicious. "Let's shoot and ask questions later."

"...Very well. Winter, open the ramp," Moon said.

"That's ridiculous. You can't fight the Nevermores and Manticores in the air, it's their natural habitat—"

"You underestimate us," Moon interrupted.

"Really? You and Ryoko have no records to speak of, pardon me for  _underestimating_ you."

"We'll prove our worth."

"I'd rather keep this ship afloat."

Moon's eyebrow twitched. "I am aware of how much you absolutely adore your ship but—"

"I don't like your tone, young lady," said Winter.

"I'm older."

Ryoko got tired of the sister duel. The Nevermores were still trying to claw their way into the airship and the Manticores wouldn't stop throwing fireballs at them. So Ryoko walked to the end of the airship and slammed the emergency open button.

The ramp fell open and air rushed pass Ryoko.

"Who—! You!" Winter looked positively  _pissed._

"Shoot first, ask questions later!" Ryoko's motto—only second to 'Guys, logic exists'. She thrust her arm and fire burst from her hand. There's just something satisfying about watching Grimm  _burn._

Oh, crap—she forgot about Winter. Winter who was probab- _definitely_ better off not knowing about Ryoko's maiden-ness.

Lancers, giant hornet-like Grimm that Ryoko could honestly do without, raced pass her. They glowed white and had bright blue eyes, signature signs of Schnee summons.

"We're really doing this." Winter sounded equal parts exasperated and disbelieving. "Hold on to something. I will not be found responsible for any injuries that may or may not occur."

"Ryoko, stay inside," Moon ordered. She pointed Mytrenaster at the ground and black glyphs appeared under her own feet and Ryoko's.

"Ey, ey, Captain," said Ryoko.

Winter put her aircraft in high gear and they raced through the air.

Ryoko suddenly found herself very cold.

As one would be when they're flying at the whopping speed of...well, Ryoko wasn't actually sure. Mach four, if she had to guess.

She found herself activating her Maiden powers just to keep warm.

Okay, so maybe Ryoko  _had_ become  _a bit_ reliant on her super-duper magical powers. So what if she barbecued with magic fire? Or ran with magic wind? Or refrigerated things with magic ice. Or...threw stones with magic rocks?

Ryoko made a spear with magic ice and threw it at a large Nevermore. Then she remembered that she shouldn't use Maiden powers with Winter around.

Damn her failing memory!

* * *

Moon was not getting along with her sister. This was a new experience. Usually, she did not get along with her brother. Because she and her brother had a very long history of ratting each other out, having radically different world-views (of all of which, Moon was obviously right), and generally trying to murder each other.

"We need to reach Atlas," Moon was saying, leaning over Winter's chair. She ignored Ryoko's ridiculous magical attacks and her own Summons.

"No. We need to shake off the Grimm."

"I suggest destroying the Grimm and turning them into oblivion  _on the way to Atlas."_

"I  _will_ turn this airship around if you do not stay quiet."

Well. At least Whitley listened, nowadays. Or in the future. It was complicated.

Winter looked in the rear-view mirror and her eyes flashed. Then she regained her stuck-up regal posture that reminded Moon uncomfortably of her own.

Moon decided to compromise. "My companion and I will eliminate all the Grimm. Then we will go to Atlas."

"Really. Eliminate the entire horde of Grimm swarming us?"

"Yes."

Moon had faced worse. By herself.

"Very well," Winter said.

And Moon sprinted pass Ryoko and jumped out of the airship.

"Wha-hey! You told me to stay inside!" Ryoko exclaimed. "Hypocrite!"

Moon didn't want to reveal what she could do. Not to Winter and no doubt whatever Atlesian Military cameras Winter had on her airship.

She enjoyed staying anonymous, when her only claim to fame was scarring the lives of innocent huntsmen-in-training in Beacon.

But Moon held out a hand and a large summoning glyph formed underneath.

The Dragon came fourth, bursting out of the Glyph jaws first. Moon grabbed onto its scales and held on as it cut its way through the air. It dwarfed every other Grimm and made Winter's airship look like a chew toy.

It was really—ridiculous.

So Iris had named it Mustard.

Of course.

Iris also insisted that Mustard was a 'he', a fact that Moon did not have any particular urge to confirm nor concern herself with.

Mustard grabbed a Nevermore in its jaw and threw the Grimm at its companions.

It preceded to wreck the rest of the horde in various creative ways a dragon should not be able to conceive of. Such as attacking the other Grimm at their *ahem*  _weak points,_ intimidating the Manticores and Nevermores with rude dragon gestures (don't ask), and doing Grimm politics with the Grimm. Said politics involved the Grimm expressions of 'food', 'kill', and 'traffic'. Mostly 'traffic'.

Eventually, the remaining Grimm worked out their Grimm politics and unhappily left the scene.

Moon found herself wondering what Iris had been teaching Mustard. She was going to have to interrogate Iris about the apparent intelligence of her dragon summon when she got back.

* * *

Ryoko gave Moon the stink-eye as the other woman jumped back onto Winter's airship. Her dragon summon continued to circle around them. "Really? You  _had_ to do it yourself?"

"I had no need of your assistance," said Moon flatly. "Besides, someone needed to stay behind and protect my sis-Winter." Moon tilted her head. "And it wasn't as if you wanted to use your full abilities…"

"You brought Mustard into this. Mustard could've stayed...wherever summons go when they're not summoned."

Mustard barked. Ryoko didn't know dragons could bark. Ryoko wasn't much of a fan of Moon's dragon. The thing had done too much damage in the past (future?) to act like an oversized cute puppy now.

The airship came to an abrupt stop, its turbines rotating to face the ground.

Winter rose from her seat. She put on her 'I'm a Schnee and I'm mad' face and attempted (and failed) to stare down Ryoko and Moon.

"Care for an explanation," she said coolly, "as for what  _that_ was?"

Mustard barked.

"Which part?" Ryoko asked, because she was supposed to be the diplomat of the group and Moon should be kept away from all things diplomatic by at least a ten-mile radius. "Mustard?"

"No-" Winter frowned. "Mustard?"

"Oh. The dragon."

"I...see. To a degree, yes. There has only been one recorded Eldritch Dragon to date—and no one has claimed to defeat it so I don't quite understand why it's  _here."_

Mustard whimpered.

"You're hurting its feelings," Moon said absentmindedly.

Winter stared. "...I'm not going to ask."

"That's probably a good idea," Ryoko told her with a particularly cheery note.

Winter didn't seem to know what to say for a few awkward seconds. She decided to continue in the best way a Schnee knew how. That is, saying the wrong things at the wrong times. "Ryoko, I have a feeling I will regret asking, but  _you're a Maiden, correct?"_

Ryoko cringed. "Yeah."

"I see. The Winter Maiden?"

"...Yeah." Ryoko did not like where this conversation was going.

The end of Winter's eyes suddenly burned bright white. Her aura "How peculiar—considering that  _I_ am the current Winter Maiden. Care for an explanation?"

Ryoko raised a hand. She put it down. "Yeah, no. Pass?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Short chapter because I got horribly sidetracked by She-Ra, Castlevania S2, and a hilarious and genius fanfic called 'Itachi, Is That a Baby?' that everyone should check out.
> 
> ...Then I kind of got sucked into murdering my SI-OC in my newest RWBY fanfiction (don't ask)...
> 
> Chapter beta'd by my little brother — who I only marginally have a better relationship with compared to Moon and Whitley (I am the sociopath in this situation, though unfortunately not certified)


	8. I do have daddy-issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: What rights?
> 
> "Hngh." ~ ARC

It was a truth, universally acknowledged, that a time-traveler (dimension-traveler, whatever) in possession of the power of a Maiden, must be in want of  _not_ seeing their predecessor, by all means possible.

On the sole premise that one became a Maiden by being the last person the former Maiden saw before their death, untimely or otherwise.

Winter Schnee was in the 'untimely' category.

Actually, most of the dead people Ryoko knew ended up in the 'untimely' category. When she really thought about, she realized that no one she'd truly known had die of purely natural causes.

It was upsetting.

So Ryoko promptly forgot about it.

And now, face-to-face with her predecessor that she  _really_ should've tried harder to avoid, Ryoko remembered.

She was suddenly struck by the thought of being the oh-so-unfortunate sole to tell Winter about her future.

' _You're gonna have to cancel your retirement plans...sorry.'_

And Ryoko then realized why she never wanted to become a doctor growing up.

Of course, then she realized that she had decided to become a Huntsman instead, which was a decision about 100x worse.

Not only might you be in a situation where you had to explain to people why their loved ones die, you might also be directly responsible. Yippee.

Winter glared, waiting. She had the Schnee glare. The one where your eyes (or eye, singular) squint together and glow dangerously with the promise of making someone's life a living hell through  _due process._

Scary.

"What if I said…" Ryoko ventured. She looked to Moon for help and found nothing. "We're from the future? Y'know,  _hypothetically._ Let's emphasize  _hypothetically._ We'll put quotation marks around " _hypothetically_ " too—"

"I see," Winter said flatly.

"And, well, we can also underline " _hypothetically"_ —wait, you do?"

The white flames disappeared from Winter's eyes. She sighed. "I tried to find alternatives. I'd rather believe in time-travel."

"Wow, I do not want to know about your alternatives," Ryoko quipped, but she was just glad that she wouldn't  _really_ have to negotiate. Negotiating made her feel dirty.

"Yes. Your explanation, as... _short_ as it was, also provided an explanation for...Moon," Winter said, gesturing to Moon.

Moon made a noise in the back of her throat. She looked away.

Winter didn't seem to want to address the elephant in the room.

Well, the  _elephants_ in the room.

Which was great, because Ryoko didn't want to be a doctor. Or a Huntress.

"What brings you to the past?" Winter asked. She went to start her aircraft moving again.

"An accident," Ryoko said because Moon wasn't in a mood to be talking.

"Okay," Winter took this information in stride, though she did raise a perfect eyebrow. "Let me correct myself: Why are you visiting Atlas?"

"We need to take care of something(s)," Ryoko said. She paused. "Also, you."

"Me?"

"Well, Maidens are important—and a lot of people want Maidens so…"

"I will not agree to any form of 'protection'," Winter said. Her jaw clenched.

Ryoko raised her hands. "And we aren't saying we're going to protect you! Strong, powerful woman and all that! We're just…"

Well, the plan was to stick some sort of device (courtesy of Hound) onto Winter and monitor her every movement. Hound had been very happy about that part of the plan—to the point where Ryoko wondered if it had been a good idea.

Hound wasn't usually enthusiastic about anything particularly safe or legal. Especially anything safe  _and_ legal.

"...checking up on you," Ryoko said. "Y'know to make sure everything was okay."

"You knew that everything was okay," Winter said. There was a high note in her voice. "You're from the future."

"...Damn, can't argue with that."

" _Unless,"_ Winter said. "You knew that something  _would_ happen."

The aircraft turned silent except for the low sound of the dust engines doing their work. Moon took the opportunity to unsummon Mustard from existence.

Mustard would not be missed by Ryoko.

"...Nothing bad will happen to you for a long time," Ryoko said slowly. "Nothing is supposed to."

"That's good to hear," Winter said drily.

The aircraft experienced another beat of silence.

"Wonderful," Moon finally said, tilting her head. "But I do have other family members to deal with."

"Excuse me?" Winter said.

"The Schnee Family is a disgrace."

"I know. That wasn't what I meant."

Ah, sisterly bonding, Ryoko thought. Her hand shook.  _Sisterly bonding._

* * *

Hound returned to Beacon that night wearing a black fedora, a tuxedo, and a fancy monocle.

"I won't ask," decided Iris, closing the window. Really, Hound just had to be dramatic with her entrances. "How'd Adam go?"

"I realized that attacking the leader of the Vale Branch of a highly volatile organization might lead to some...problems," Hound said, "So I decided to see how the Vale Underground was. My conclusion? They're much classier than the Mistral Underground."

"Thank you," Torchwick said drily.

Hound raised an eyebrow. "Iris, what are you doing with our VIP?"

"I decided to take him out of the closet."

"I can see that. Why?"

Iris frowned. "I felt like it. Besides, he's fine."

Torchwick frowned. His foot was chained to the floor—Iris had decided to become more lenient (though she did warn Torchwick that she would gladly use lethal force if he stepped out of line, literally). "Define 'fine'. Also, you ladies have a very different definition of VIP."

"We do," Hound said. "Very Important Prisoner."

Torchwick paused. "Oh. You do."

"Glynda is on our backs," Iris said, dropping into a chair. She rubbed her head. "I swear—the lady  _does not_ chill."

"I know," Hound said. She adjusted her fedora.

"Of course you do," Iris said drily. "Thanks for leaving me to deal with it."

"I know my strengths and weaknesses."

"True," Iris admitted. "Doesn't make me any less exhausted but okay. Anyway, I wanted to get Neo. The sooner the better?"

"...I thought of that."

"...Okay, sure."

Hound ignored Iris. "It's a good thing you brought it up. I have plans to take over the local crime organization anyway. All of it."

"Noooope," Iris decided. "Not touching that mess with a ten-mile pole."

* * *

Moon Snow (Schnee) might have given up her rights to the Schnee Dust Company to her sociopathic brother, but she hadn't lost her business skills—skills that would become surprisingly useful in the Atlesian government and military (where, believe it or not, most people acted like chickens with their heads cut off).

So—Moon knew more than enough to knock Jackass off his proverbial throne and maybe fix the Schnee Dust Company while she was at it.

"No," Winter said.

Moon really wasn't getting along with her sister. "No?"

"You can't—No one can just barge into the SDC and demand for the CEO's retirement. That's not how it works, W—" Winter faltered, "Moon."

"I know," Moon said—she ignored Winter's near misstep. "I have a plan."

"Really?"

"It involves the Schnee Manor."

Ryoko grew concerned over that little piece of information. "Does it have anything to do with setting the Schnee Manor on fire? Because that's a  _bad plan."_

"No."

"Oh, carry on."

Moon carried on. "In addition, we couldn't get in trouble under the law. Technically, we don't exist."

" _You_ don't exist," Winter corrected. "I do."

"I see. In that case, you can drop us off on the premises and leave."

"As a—" Winter groaned. "You're not going to stop."

"No. I am hard to dissuade, so people tell me."

"Yeah," Ryoko had to add. "Especially when they're bad ideas. Like when you thought it'd be smart to set the Schnee Manor on fire—"

"That's not important. Buried history," Moon said hurriedly. "Whitley received a better manor afterward."

"...That's... _wonderful,"_ Winter managed. "And how is the SDC doing? In the future, that is."

"You're asking the wrong person," Moon said dully. "I gave the SDC to Whitley."

"I— _what? Why?"_

"Because I thought it was a good idea?"

Ryoko shrugged. "See what I mean?"

* * *

Moon did not explain her plan with Winter or Ryoko.

Ryoko was used to this—the Schnee didn't like explaining anything much and she got that—Winter was not.

That was okay.

"You get used to it," Ryoko said. "Just like how you get used to radioactive mice and radioactive turtles. I like the turtle better."

"..." Winter did not seem reassured.

"Okay, so maybe the radioactive stuff wasn't a good comparison," Ryoko admitted. "Losing an arm? Time-traveling? Dimension-hopping? Magic?"

"...Yes, magic, I suppose."

Oh, wait—magic only reminded Winter that she was supposed to be dead in a few years.

Ryoko mentally smacked herself.  _Good going, doctor. You're supposed to be good at this shit. Better than anyone else on the team. ...Which isn't much, but still._

Winter risked a glance behind her. Moon was messing with a scroll in the back of the airship. "I...What happened to my sister, Xiao-Tou?"

"It's Xiao-Long," Ryoko had to correct—even she didn't appreciate being called 'small-headed'. "But...Let's just say we don't talk about it."

"...I see."

* * *

It was simple, really.

After the War, all of the SDC had been handed over to the oldest living member of the Schnee family, Moon. Technically, the SDC should've been handed over to the rightful heir, Whitley, but Jackass had thrown in his cards with Salem and a dead war criminal's words meant nothing.

Especially when Moon had become Commander of the Army and had a large say in what to do in the aftermath of Salem's defeat.

Truly, how convenient.

Now Moon had every intention to hand the SDC to Whitley, but she didn't want to waste an opportunity to dig up all of Jackass's past misdeeds. Call it snooping, call it revenge, call it daddy-issues, Moon learned many things she'd rather not have learned.

For one, Jackass hadn't changed his password in twenty years—and he used the same password for  _everything._

The password was… 'password'.

Knowing her father, he had probably thought he was clever. He was not.

Besides Jackass's lack of security, he left behind a colorful paper trail of things that would surely get him arrested one way or another.

Or at the very least—called for a resignation.

However, there was a slight problem with that equation. If Jackass resigned from office, the SDC would be placed in the hands of Moon's mother—and her mother was too busy 'investing' money on alcohol to properly run a multi-billion lien company. Moon didn't think placing the life of a company into the hands of a hormonal, impulsive teenage boy was a much better option either.

As such, she was sitting in her father's favorite chair (uncomfortably large, overly padded, and furnished thing that Moon's entire bottom sunk into) with her legs crossed and waiting.

Feeling a bit bored, she decided to log into Jackass's desk-scroll (and when the desk-scroll asked for a 'password', she gave it a 'password') and began... _changing_ some things.

Hound had always told Moon that the best way to 'mess with people' was to give them the exact opposite of what they stood for and Hound usually knew what she was doing. Logically then, Moon took her advice in stride.

' _He's coming get ready'_ Moon received Ryoko's text as the door opened.

She believed that the right way to describe what transpired next was 'awkward silence'. Jackass stared at Moon—his brain apparently short-circuited.

Moon was too busy wondering where Jackass's signature mustache (on par with Dr. Watt's) had gone. In fact, the tall, badly proportioned CEO of the SDC looked quite bare without his bushy white stash—and Moon said so: "You looked better with your mustache. Naturally, by 'better' I meant to say 'more foul' but I'm sure you understand."

Jackass reacted quite appropriately for someone who had his lack of a mustache insulted, Moon thought. He stared, then pointed a finger at Moon. "H-How did you get in here?!" He backed away, no doubt intimidated by Moon's sharp jabs at his mustache (or lack thereof). "Security! Guards! Protocol: Break-in! Password 'Password'!"

Moon watched boredly, wondering why she had ever been intimidated by such a weak-willed man. She concluded that it must have been the mustache.

Moon uncrossed her legs and made to stand up. This turned out to be more difficult than expected as the chair was about five times her size and cushioned like a Grimm trap. Moon managed. She walked up to Jackass.

Jackass backed away. "Security! Security! …(Klein?)" The CEO crashed into a figure in the hall. "Security!" he snapped. "What took you so lo—...You're not security."

Ryoko made a face. "No. Actually, security might be even worse than being a doctor."

Moon leaned close to Jackass's face. "...Yes, he's certainly lacking  _something_ without the mustache," she mused.

"Uh, what?" Ryoko said.

Moon didn't bother responding. She tossed her scroll on the floor. Holograms appeared in the air. "Jackass ne Gele, I have a proposition."

"Ah, it's  _Schnee_ —I did marry into the na—"

"I do not care," Moon said airily. "As I was saying, I have a proposition." She grabbed a certain hologram and presented it to Jackass. The hologram was of an... _unflattering_ moment in the life of Jackass, namely his sitting on a toilet and reading the morning news while belting a particularly racist children's lullaby.

"Um…Do we  _really_ need to see that?" Ryoko said. "No offense Moon, but I never wanted to watch your father on the toilet."

"...Hrm." Moon flicked her fingers. The hologram was replaced by a stream of questionable business messages. "This is blackmail."

"...I can see that," Jackass said. He shivered. "What do you want? Money? A share in the company? I'm sure I can arrange somethin—"

"You will work for me," Moon said coolly. "When I tell you the next course of action and you comply."

"Wha—?  _No_ —I would lose my freedom, my  _rights._ This is illegal!"

"Hrm, yes. And I am  _certain_ your history is clear of illegal actions," Moon mused. "Though I believe your internet history would be much more interesting, no?"

In actuality, Moon was quite disgusted with Jackass's internet history—the man's obsession with women in stockings was unusual and honestly quite concerning.

Jackass ne Gele turned red. "How—My password is—"

"Password, I know," Moon said.

Ryoko blinked. "Seriously?"

"Every time," Moon told her.

"Wow."

Moon patted Jackass's shoulder. "I'm not a monster. You're free to do whatever you want, Jackass...Yes, there are merely some things you wouldn't  _want_ to do."

Jackass stiffened.

"Do we have an agreement?"

"...It seems like I have no choice." Jackass swallowed and turned his head.

"You don't," Moon told him. Moon hadn't had any proper feelings in a long time, but her current situation was a close approximation to joy. "Your first instructions are on your desk-scroll—I do hope you enjoy the rest of your evening, Jackass."

Moon walked past him. Ryoko followed—with a salute. "See ya, man!" She caught up to Moon. "That went... _a lot_ better than I expected."

"Hrm. The universe must have finally given us a break."

"...This universe."

"Yes," Moon said thoughtfully. "This universe."

"Say, you were in that office for a while…" Ryoko drawled.

"Hrm. I'm sure Jackass will appreciate his new unicorn-themed desk-scroll. Or I'd certainly hope so, it  _is_  permanent."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Ah...There's a lot of recurring jokes in here...I'm honestly surprised. =)
> 
> Beta'd by AFatFlyingWhale
> 
> Patreon (if you want some writing advice...there's a few free ones): www.patreon/arosz
> 
> Reviews, Favourites, and Follows? I do have a thing for those...


	9. And you can call me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: RWBY is owned by RT. ;)
> 
> "Early Happy Holidays!" ~ ARC

TIMELINE I - FUTURE

Nora Valkyrie and Emerald Sustrai had a silent mutual understanding with each other. It was the type of silent mutual understanding that, say, for example, might be shared by two people who had walked in on each other singing "Let It Go!" in the bathroom (a very traumatic experience).

Nora wished that was what she shared in common with Emerald (it  _was_ what she shared in common with Blake, though to be fair, Blake had threatened to murder her in her sleep if word got out).

"It's been a while," Emerald said off-handedly. "When was the last time we saw each other?"

"The reunion," Nora told her. Nora asked the waitress for coffee with as much sugar as humanly possible. Nothing said 'wake-up!' like high blood pressure and increasing your heart-attack rate.

Emerald placed her order. "The one where Yang got banned from Beacon for property damage? Or was that Blake?"

"I'd place my bets on both," Nora told her seriously. "But speaking of Team WIYB…"

"So Glynda brought JNPR in, huh?" Emerald said. "I feel kind of bad I couldn't do anything. Did you guys…?"

"Jaune wants to use what's happening as an excuse for messing with people's scrolls," Nora said. She grinned and leaned forward. "His experiments are always fun to be around. A lot of 'booms!' and 'kablooms!' y'know."

"But you're not there," Emerald points out. "What could've made JNPR's resident pyromaniac pass an opportunity like that?"

"...Well, apparently the magical thingy has something to do with  _Ozpin's_ staff."

"Pffft—" Emerald sputtered. " _Shit_."

"Yeah, tell me about it." Nora raised an eyebrow. "And hey, no one else thinks this is a big deal or anything—care to join me in the 'I give a shit' list?"

"...I guess I already gave a shit, huh? You've got yourself a willing partner."

* * *

TIMELINE II - PAST

Hound wasn't one to shirk responsibilities.

Usually.

Half the time.

33% of the time.

Okay, maybe she might be the type to shirk responsibilities after all.

She learned something new about herself that day.

Whatever, Hound didn't care if she was the type to shirk responsibilities or not. Hound was already a crappy person, what was another minus to her F? Oh lords, that teaching job was getting to her…

The bell rang—signaling the end of the last period of the day. Hound's class stayed where they were, waiting for their teacher to dismiss them (out of fear that "Professor Killer" might bring down the wrath of the detention gods...and other things, if they didn't).

"Remember, there's no point in Grimm Studies if you're too dead to properly comprehend it," Hound drawled, adjusting her new monocle. It had definitely been a worthy stea—uh, that was to say,  _purchase._ "In three days' time, I want every single one of you to bring in a full study of embarrassing and idiotic ways professional huntsmen have died by the hands of the Grimm. Details will be posted on the Class Board. Dismissed."

Her students sprang out of their desks. They rushed through the door in a wave. Alone, Hound erased her stick-figure rendition of a dumb Huntsman who forgot the décolletage weak point of a Boarbatusk (he was promptly stabbed through the chest).

Hound took her binders and left the classroom through the window.

She took her time zipping across campus and running up the walls. Hound graded her papers on the way. She was fast, if not efficient, after all.

Hound picked open a window with her pencil. The pencil broke and Hound threw it on the ground. "Iris, Torchwick, time to go."

Iris rubbed her eyes. She stood up, leaving a pile of paperwork lying on her desk. "Come on, Toothbrush. It's time to tag along."

"Okay, Toothpick sounded better. Can we go back to Toothpick?" said Torchwick. He stared at the window. "Wait, we're no—"

"Yup, Toothpaste." Iris threw Torchwick out the window.

The gang leader belted an unmanly shriek as he fell. Hound grabbed him by the collar. "Quiet, idiot."

Iris sighed. "Let's get this over with. You have no idea how much paperwork I have."

* * *

Blake couldn't help it. She jumped out of her bed when she heard the sound of a girl screaming. She looked through the window in time to see her future-self jumping from tree to tree and holding Roman Torchwick so loosely he swung around like a rag doll. Blake wondered if she should call the authorities, wake up her teammates, or go back to sleep and forget this ever happened.

Blake got back into bed. Sleep and forget this ever happened was probably best for her and everyone else's sanity.

* * *

Hound landed in front of Junior's Club. Torchwick threw up on the front lawn.

"Oh, Junior's not going to like that," Iris told Torchwick. "Way to go on first impressions."

Hound checked her scroll. Ryoko had sent her a selfie in front of the Schnee Manor. A guard was knocked out in the background.  _Doing a service to the world! ~ Ryoko_

"Listen," Hound said, putting away her scroll. "We came here for two reasons. One, obtain Neapolitan. Two, and most importantly, crown me Queen of the Vale Underground."

Iris made a face. "I'm pretty sure that's not a title."

"Now it is."

Iris shrugged. "Okay."

See, this was why Hound liked working with Iris. Iris didn't complain about her glorious ideas. Iris didn't have a hero complex. Iris didn't bother with trying to make her a better person.

"I'll get Neo," Iris said. "You do...whatever you need to do."

"Return in two hours," Hound said. "I'll be waiting."

"Come on, Toothpaste," Iris said. She patted Torchwick on the back. "Where's Neo?"

Hound left them—She kicked open the doors to Junior's Bar.

They better have remembered her from two days ago.

* * *

"No, seriously, what do you want with Neo?" Toothpaste said. He stood up, trying (and failing) to look serious with barf on his face. "I played your game long enough, I want answers, lady."

Something exploded inside Junior's Bar. Iris ignored it and stared at Toothpaste, wondering what she should say.

Iris decided to wing it, Ozpin-style. "There are a lot of things in this world you don't understand, Toothpaste," Iris said, trying to sound super mysterious. "One day—maybe, but not today. But if you want to save the world, you can start with Neo—"

"What the fuck?" Toothpaste said. "Lady, what's coming out of your mouth?"

"Yeah, I have no idea," Iris admitted. "Please just tell me where Neo is. I promise we don't want to hurt her (if we did, you'd know)."

Toothpaste leaned forward, pointing a finger at Iris's chest. "...Look, lady—there are very few things I give a damn about in this world. Neo is one of them—so you can stick your words up your—"

A scroll appeared in Iris's hand. She dialed Ryoko. "Ryoko?"

" _Oh, thank the lords—I'm dying of boredom here! Jackass sure takes his time…"_

"That's nice. Tell Snow to kick his ass for me. Oh, and tell her to take care of herself," Iris told Ryoko. "Um...So do you still have Neo's number?"

" _On my old scroll, yeah. Wait—I think I have it here. Why?"_

Iris told Ryoko about their plan. She left out the part about Hound's newest bad idea—that would make the conversation much longer than it had to be.

Ryoko gave her Neo's number. " _Good luck, man."_

Iris texted Neo.

_iris (2:01 AM): HI_

_Neo (2:02 AM): WHO THE HELL TEXTS ME AT 2:01 AM?!_

"I think she's mad," Iris said out-loud.

"What gave you that idea?" asked Toothpaste. He paused, thinking over what this meant for Neo. "Wai—"

* * *

Hound wasn't one to resort to violence.

When you became the leader of a peaceful protest organization that was supposed to  _stay_ peaceful, you didn't have much of an option.

But damn the gods, Hound  _missed_ violence.

You have no idea how long Hound had held out on strangling every. single. member. of. every. council. (besides Ryoko and Moon—both of whom Hound had wanted to strangle more than a few times anyway and actually  _did_  try to do so every once in a while).

So—Hound was very happy when Junior's Club unanimously decided to shoot first and ask questions later.

Hound had already mapped out the club in case of this exact scenario—the scenario she had wanted to achieve. Well—there wasn't exactly much to analysis, per se. Junior's Club consisted of a large open area for business, dancing, and the like, a bar in the far back of the room, and an upper balcony for the DJ. But most importantly, there was a bathroom. Hound had learned from years of experience to  _never trust bathrooms._ She would have to look out for that bathroom—

Oh, wait—they were shooting at her. At that moment. There was no time to think about the bathrooms.

Hound whipped out Gambol Shroud and sliced a cannonball in half. It exploded on impact. Hound wrapped Gambol Shroud around a bystander and pulled—the man blocked the explosion for her.

A man with a bat swung at her. Hound kicked him in the balls. She threw him at a pair of incoming guards. They tumbled over like dynamos.

"Hey! That's the one-armed faunus who stole my monocle!" shouted a well-dressed crime lord. "Get her!"

Hound dodged a knife. She jumped back and pulled something out of her pocket—

Her enemies tensed, preparing for a dirty trick.

Hound put on her monocle.

 _Then_ she threw the smoke bombs.

* * *

_iris (2:04 AM): where r u?_

…

_Neo (2:11 AM): Who are you?_

_iris (2:11 AM): better question: what r u?_

…

_iris (2:14 AM): sry sry sry im iris_

_Neo (2:14 AM): Duh. Iris who?_

_iris (2:14): i no where toothpaste is_

_Neo (2:15): I have toothpaste. I'm done. Never talk to me again, weirdo._

_iris (2:16): WAIT I MEAN TORHWIXK_

_iris (2:16): *torchwick_

…

_Neo (2:17): I'm listening._

* * *

ArcTM Special Rainbow Bombs (XR-17) were a bit of a rarity in this particular world. That is, they didn't exist.

Hound wondered then, if maybe she shouldn't have used the ArcTM Special Rainbow Bombs (XR-17) on cannon fodder. The smoke from those things hardened in .05 seconds, instantly and permanently immobilizing the enemy in wonderfully embarrassing rainbow colors and possibly embarrassing positions. Well, until someone injected the cure.

Oh, well, Hound thought, no point in thinking about the past.

The bombs took out ¼ of the cannon fodder.

Hound threw the crime lord she had stolen from into the DJ set up on the balcony.

She kicked up an immobilized henchman, blocking a kick from one of the Malachite twins. Hound flashed forward, catching the twin by her foot. Hound slammed the Malachite into the ground.

"Melanie!"

Hound wrapped Gambol Shroud around the claw weapon of the second twin. She pulled and took a shot. The claw blew off the Malachite's hand—disorientating her. Hound threw her into a pillar. The pillar cracked into a million pieces.

"Damn it, I just got that fix the other day!" growled Junior. He transformed his club into a bazooka and fired.

Hound stepped to the side. The missile slid past her by a hair's breadth. It lodged itself into the wall and blew up.

"I think you're doing more property damage yourself, Junior" Hound remarked drily. She dodged a cannon fodder and placed a shadow clone in her place as she leapt into the air. That was when Hound  _really_  put Gambol Shroud into action.

Gambol Shroud's blade sliced through the air. Then Hound pulled—triggering the pistol. The chain reaction began. Hound flipped and pushed off the ground, she spun and whipped about—and Gambol Shroud followed. Ruby had once described the effect as something like a 'black tornado destroying everything in its path'. Of course, Ruby had been alive then and Hound had more than one arm—but Hound liked to think that the description still applied. ...If only to honor her leader's memory.

Hound landed on one knee, Gambol Shroud whisking back to her. The club was eerily silent, all of its residents having been knocked unconscious or otherwise disqualified from combat.

Except for one.

Junior looked around him. He watched a hired guard fall on her face. The DJ's bear mask rolled to his feet. A henchman stuck in rainbow-colored goop in a particularly embarrassing pose stared at Junior.

Junior raised his hands. "I surrender," he said, monotone. "What do you want? You come into my club and cause mayhem by taking things out of people's pockets and putting them into  _other_ people's pockets (the girl who found a lizard in her pocket really freaked—the guy who found an underwear in his pocket didn't seem to mind too much) and  _then_ you come here and trash the place?" Junior paused. Then he added, "I really can't take much more of this…"

"What do I want?" Hound said, standing up. She smirked. "Well, you can start by calling me—"

* * *

Iris snuck into Junior's Club from the back. Usually, she would've snuck in through the front door, made possible by her faunus traits. But—well, Iris really didn't want to get involved with the tornado Hound shitshow and no matter how hard she tried, she didn't think she was going to get Torchwick through unnoticed, even if he didn't have bright orange traffic cone hair.

Iris hacked into the back door and it swung open, just barely missing Toothpaste's head.

"Hey!" Toothpaste hissed, stepping back.

"Sorry," Iris said. "Come on."

They enter the dark corridor. Iris didn't bother turning on her scroll.

Toothpaste walked into a storage box. "Fucking hell—" He stumbled over a pole. Iris caught him before he tripped. "Can you  _please_ turn on the lights? Any lights!"

"It's not that hard to see…"

"You have night vision!"

"Don't worry, Toothpaste. I'll push you."

"Ow—your pushes  _hurt!"_

"Hm...I guess I do have muscles...hehe." Iris continued pushing Toothpaste forward, until they reached it.

The bathroom.

Naturally, when you see a closed bathroom and you have some manners, you knock. Iris knocked.

The bathroom door clicked open. A large, muscle-framed figure glared at them. "The code?"

Iris pulled out her scroll. "Uhhh...'We Don't Like Cats'?"

"Very good." The door opened for them—there was no bathroom inside, only a set of stairs.

"Okay," Iris said. "I'm kind of surprised I've never been to a bathroom that isn't a bathroom before…I'm surprised there's a bathroom that  _isn't_ a bathroom too."

"Yes, yes," said Toothpaste. "Welcome to the  _real_ Vale underground. An underground that is...literally underground."

"Huh, Hound was right. You Vale people really are classier. Atlas just has a floating airship."

Toothpaste blinked. "Atlas has a  _what?"_

Iris was already walking down the stairs. She didn't bother answering Toothpaste "We don't want to be late, Toothpaste. Hurry."

" _You_ don't want to be late," Toothpaste corrected. " _I'm_ the bargaining chip here."

It wasn't hard to spot out Neo from the crowd. No matter how short she was, the bubblegum haired girl stood out like a sore thumb. Which made Iris wonder how Neo and Toothpaste got anywhere, now that she thought about it.

Iris slid into the seat across from Neo. She grinned. "It's nice to finally meet you face to face. You know, you don't age much. Do you think it's a Maiden thing?"

Neo froze. Her brows furrowed. She glared daggers. Then she was furiously tapping at her screen.

_Neo (2:59 AM): I REALLY don't like you._

"...I'm hurt."

* * *

Hound was prepared to unleash a speech about her awesomeness and brimming intelligence. She had even started: "Well, you can start by calling me—"

Then a generic cannon fodder ran into the club with a panicked look on her face, utterly ruining Hound's speech. Even worse, the cannon fodder had came from the bathroom.

 _Fuck,_ Hound seethed,  _I knew I should've checked the damn bathroom. It's always the damn bathroom._

"What?" Junior said, sounding criminally less annoyed than how Hound felt.

"T-There's a new boss in town," the cannon fodder said. "She's taken over the entire underground!"

"What?" Junior repeated. He pointed at Hound. "Is it her?"

The cannon fodder made a confused face. "No, who  _is_  the faunus?"

"I—" Hound began.

The cannon fodder continued, "Anyway, Junior, I've never heard of her—she calls herself Iris?"

"Description?" Junior asked.

"Um...Medium height. Battle outfit. Brown hair? Freckles?"

Hound twitched. Her ear developed a tick. "No, no, no, no," she whispered. Then she screamed, "IRIS!"

* * *

"I swear it was an accident," Iris told Hound later. She shrugged like 'what can you do?'

Neo followed behind Iris, grumpy and occasionally sending glares at her back.

_Neo (3:42 AM): Hahahahhahahahahahhaha...ha, sucker. (Please, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, get me out of here)_

"So it all began when I joined a cult..." Iris started. "Um...that was on accident too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Hm...
> 
> P atreon w/ writing essays: www.p atreon / arosz
> 
> See ya~


	10. Hello, good doctor—still serving the evil Grimm Queen, I see!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: RWBY, as you might guess, is not mine.
> 
> "Falala~ The Holidays are here~ And now I'm broke…" ~ ARC

"Hound wanted to take over the criminal underground?" Ryoko asked over her scroll. "What an idiot."

" _Yeah...about that…"_ Iris said. " _I kind of did. On accident. And I have no idea what to do. And I don't think Hound is the best person to ask for advice—"_

" _I heard that!"_ Hound said indignantly.

"— _Heck, maybe I should just ask Toothpaste or Neo._ "

"O...kay. Are you asking  _me_ for advice? No offense (to me) but that's like...a horrible idea," Ryoko said. She raised an eyebrow at Moon. The Schnee was hijacking one of her own family airships.

"I'm almost done," Moon said dully. She took Myrtenaster and zapped the airship.

Ryoko paused and move her scroll away from her ear. "Don't you have a key for that thing? Moon, this  _is_ your airship."

"...I am using a faster alternative." Moon zapped the aircraft again.

"Uhuh. Right." Ryoko focuses back on her scroll. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

" _Advice?_ " Ilia replied.

"Yeah," Ryoko frowned. "Why me?"

" _Hm… Besides being the sanest person I can go to for advice…?_ "

"That's...actually a pretty compelling reason," Ryoko conceded.

" _But also because I...um...I joined a cult—_ "

"Wow. Iris, I did not—wait,  _again?_ —"

" _Ryoko, you never told me your mom was a cult leader!"_

"...Wait, what?" All things concerning Ryoko's mom were put in the 'need to know' and 'dammit, she was kind of right' piles. Ryoko didn't really bother remembering anything else—and actually, why did Raven get a 'dammit, she was kind of right' pile? That was just depressing, especially when most of Raven's ideas were horrible and angsty.

So Ryoko just pinched her nose and said, "Okay...She's a cult leader. She's been worse."

" _Hrm...Um...Actually,_ I'm  _the cult leader now. She's uh...she's not happy about it."_

"You don't say. What, are you on talking terms with my mother now?"

" _..."_

"Oh for the love of—"

* * *

_iris (9:02 a.m): definitely a cult_

_Overlord Branwen (9:03 a.m): *organization_

_iris (9:04 a.m): buddy, you literally call yourself overlord_

…

_Overlord Branwen (9:06 a.m): It is an ORGANIZATION_

_iris (9:06 a.m): then explain the pitchforks and torches_

…

_iris (9:08 a.m): hellooooo_

_iris (9:08 a.m): hey did you just leave the chat?_

* * *

"Do we have a plan?" Ryoko suddenly thought to ask Moon. Moon had managed to get the Schnee airship moving and they were flying towards a bigger, looming airship in the distance.

"...I thought you had a plan," Moon said, glancing at her.

"What? I thought  _you_ had a plan."

"..."

"..."

"Great," Ryoko said. "Just great."

* * *

Okay. Who needed a plan, anyway? Plans were for whusseys and Blake(s). Ryoko rubbed her hands together. "Find Watts, kill Watts, leave Watts...hm, Moon?"

"It  _is_ a workable plan," Moon said. She lead Ryoko onto the  _Salvation_ —sketchiest airship on Remnant and the Atlesian underground...or above ground.

"Moon. It's not a plan. It's a checklist," Ryoko corrected.

"Hm...Must we kill Watts?" Moon asked.

"No. But it might make me feel better."

"Unnecessary deaths are...unnecessary," Moon said lamely. "I propose we use Watts. Not only is it more humane, but it's also more useful."

"The living usually come back to bite you in the ass, Moon," Ryoko told Moon. Ryoko glared at a cabbage dealer in their way. The cabbage dealer let out a yelp and scurried off.

"I am well-aware of your...homicidal tendencies," Moon said. "You and Hound certainly make quite a pair. Off-the-record, of course."

"Look, don't you have a thing against Watts too?" Ryoko asked.

"I have a 'thing' against many people, Ryoko," said Moon. "In fact, I've lost count, though I believe it was somewhere around 172…"

"Fine, fine," Ryoko waved her hand. "Do whatever you want—but lemme bash his head in, first."

"I have need of his head."

"...It was metaphorical."

* * *

_iris (12:01 p.m): sometimes i wonder why i have such bad luck_

_Overlord Branwen (12:03 p.m): This is NOT a therapy groupchat_

_iris (12:04 p.m): sometimes i just feel like the world wants me in bad situations uknow?_

_iris (12:04 p.m): like this isnt even the first time i joined a cult though was the white fang a cult? i don't even know_

_Overlord Branwen (12:05 p.m): Please stop_

_iris (12:06 p.m): we did have the pitchforks and torches though...and creepy masks THat was a weird fashion sense i think assdam started it_

_Overlord Branwen (12:06 p.m): Look at the time-I have to stalk my daughter Bye_

_iris (12:06 p.m): fine ill bother neo instead_

_iris (12:07 p.m): wait hey! im ur daughters history teacher! (not that i...teach history)_

_Overlord Branwen (12:09 p.m): What_

* * *

Finding Watts was the hard part, Ryoko thought. Where would a twitchy mustache twirling mad scientist be? Certainly not the...science lab.

…

…

Wait.

"He isn't in the bathroom," Moon said blankly, walking away from a small corridor.

Ryoko stared. "...Moon—do you want to discuss privacy and social norms?"

"No."

"Okay. Better question: have you checked the science lab?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's a relief." Ryoko sighed. It was a-okay, Team Moon and Ryoko were  _not_ idiots—

"Only the first one," Moon added helpfully.

"Gahhhhhh!" Ryoko grabbed Moon and made a run for it.

* * *

_Overlord Branwen (12:47 p.m): No_

_iris (12:47 p.m): it's required parent-t_ eacher  _conference ;)_

_Overload Branwen (12:48 p.m): She. HAS. a. FATHER._

_iris (12:48 p.m): i sense some pent up anger_

_Overlord Branwen (12:48 p.m): NONSENSE_

_iris (12:49 p.m): uhuh anyways starting now all parents are required to attend teachers conferences_

_Overlord Branwen (12:49 p.m): You cannot do that. It's insensitive to single parents. Especially widows and widowers._

_iris (12:50 p.m): damn ur right—correction all parents with children the last name XIAO LONG must attend parent-teacher conferences_

_Overlord Branwen (12:51 p.m): No_

_iris (12:51 p.m): hm...are you dead?_

_Overlord Branwen (12:51 p.m): No_

_iris (12:52 p.m): divorced?_

…

…

_Overlord Branwen (12:54 p.m): I knew I forgot something_

* * *

"WATTS!" Ryoko busted down the lab door in an impressive flaming flying kick. "YOU BETTER BE—what are you  _doing_?"

"Wha…." Dr. Watts froze. He stared. His bushy grey mustache twitched.

"Put down the turtles. Slowly…" Ryoko said. She dropped Moon and aimed Ember Celica at the good doctor.

Moon got off the floor. She cracked her back. "I'm too old for this…" She took in Dr. Watts—all of his tanned non-Atlesian features and hazmat suit—and said, "Well, I'm certainly glad  _you're_ not missing your mustache."

Dr. Watts ignored Moon and looked down at his hands. "They're tortoises, actually—"

"Look, man," Ryoko said, waving Ember Celica, "Do I look like I care?"

"Uh…No." Dr. Watts put down the tortoises. "But you shouldn't be here. These are  _experimental tortoises_ and I don't know what effects they have on—Please close the door."

Moon closed the door. She locked it, too...for good measure.

"Wise suggestion, doctor," Moon drawled. She glanced at the tortoises. The animals were crawling all over Dr. Watt's desk. Their unnatural red eyes caught Moon's interest. "Hm...If only you put half as much effort you do  _working for Salem_ defeating her instead, no?"

Dr. Watts stumbled backward. He glanced at the door—and looked up at Moon. He slammed his hand on a red button on his desk.

Ryoko sagged. "Oh, come o—"

Ryoko liked explosions. She was all for explosions. In fact, she was the cause of them 99% of the time.

That was why she didn't appreciate  _anyone else_ blowing things up.

_Boom!_

"I'm not fucking paying property damage this time!" Ryoko yelled. She was falling. Really fast.

Hm…

She should do something about it.

Ryoko willed herself into floating—one of the many perks of being a Maiden. She found Moon on a griffin—Moon circles Watts, the scientist clung onto a giant flying turtle (tortoise, or whatever) Grimm for dear life.

"I was hoping for a more... _civil_ approach," Moon said thoughtfully. "Especially from a scientist."

"Salem doesn't  _do_ things civilly." There was venom in Watts' voice.

"...I know." Moon's eyes narrowed. "Do not speak of Salem to me."

Ryoko clenched and unclenched her hand. She tilted her head.

"Hey, Moon?" Ryoko said.

"Yes?"

"Look out."

A tortoise Grimm thing barreled into Moon. It threw her off her ride!

Dr. Watts took the opportunity to fly away as far as possible.

Ryoko grinned.  _Hey, things just got a lot more exciting._ She sent a burst of flames after Dr. Watts and gave chase. Moon could handle herself.

* * *

Moon jumped off a series of glyphs and sliced the tortoise Grimm in half. She summoned another Griffon. In Atlas, Mustard would send off too many airspace alarms. Grimm flew out of the wreckage of the  _Salvation._

Moon slid dust bullets into Myrtenaster's cylinder.  _Hrm. I do hope Ryoko keeps the good doctor alive._

* * *

What was the fun in knocking Dr. Watts out of the air and calling it a day?

"Hellooooo," Ryoko said cheerfully, flying next to Dr. Watt's mutated turtle-Grimm thing. "Y'know I think I might become an animal rights activist after seeing you mutilate turtles—"

" _Tortoises_." Dr. Watt's eye twitched.

"—Whatever. I mean, how many animals have you turned, dude?"

"..."

"I'm gonna take that as 'a lot'." Ryoko suddenly lost her cheery side. "Hm...and how many faunus?"

"..."

"That's what I thought."

Ryoko summoned a fiery whip and beheaded the mutant tortoise-Grimm. She watched the doctor free-fall. Dr. Watts' guttural  _shriek_ was honestly nothing like Ryoko had ever heard.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~"

"Amazing," Ryoko said flatly. She turned and burned a mutant Grimm. It was in ashes before it could turn into the customary smoke that all Grimm became when they were killed.

Ryoko thought about Dr. Watts for a hot second. She sighed. "Ryoko Xiao-Long, here to save the day…as usual."

She dived for Dr. Watts.

That wasn't saying Ryoko stopped the doctor from becoming traumatized for life. She waited for the perfect moment—the moment when Dr. Watt's face was mere inches away from colliding into a building—before catching him by the leg.

"Yeeeeeeeaaaaaa—MY GODS!"

Ryoko raised an eyebrow. "Should a follower of Salem say those words?"

"...A-Absolutely not. I-It was a mere s-slip of the tongue."

"Mhm." Ryoko gave the residents of Mantle City a jaunty wave and flew off.

* * *

"Did you kill him?" Moon asked. She paused, taking a break from polishing Myrtenaster.

Ryoko flew into the Schnee aircraft and threw Dr. Watts at Moon's feet. "Unfortunately, nope."

"Good work." Moon nudged the good doctor with a foot. Dr. Watts groaned. Moon put Myrtenaster to the side and kneeled to Dr. Watt's level. She grabbed him by his collar. "I do not kill—but I  _do_ happen to make special exceptions for the followers of Salem. Therefore, I suggest you listen  _very carefully_ now,  _good doctor._ "

* * *

_iris (1:34 p.m): hey raven have u ever thot of therapy?_

_Overlord Branwen (1:36 p.m): I do not trust shrinks._

_iris (1:36 p.m): me neither! that has to explain something, huh?_

…

_iris (1:37 p.m): soooooo how are those divorce documents going~_

…

_..._

_Overlord Branwen (1:38 p.m):_  unfortunately _, all parties must fill out forms._

_iris (1:38 p.m): oooooh how inconvenient!_

_iris (1:38 p.m): convenient for me tho_

_iris (1:38 p.m): of course_

_iris (1:39 p.m): hehe_

***** _**Neo added Neo to the chat.*** _

_Neo (1:40 p.m): ?_

_Neo (1:40 p.m): O_o O_o O_o_

_Neo (1:40 p.m): :-) ;-) :-)_

_***Overlord Branwen has left the chat.*** _

_iris (1:41 p.m): wow ive never seen anyone add themself to a chat—how was ur day Neo?_

_Neo (1:41 p.m): You kidnapped me ten hours ago, asshole._

_iris (1:42 p.m): ouch_

_iris (1:42 p.m): still holding onto that grudge huh_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Heyyyyy! How is everyone's holiday going? I, for one, probably gained ten pounds.
> 
> It was totally worth it though. At the time. Now I have a stomachache. :(
> 
> See ya ~
> 
> Writing P atreon: www.p atreon / arosz
> 
> Reviews, Favourites, and Follows are always appreciated. :)


	11. Iris works things out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: RWBY ain't mine.
> 
> "Life is about crying in your bed when you realize that everything is ultimately meaningless—and then getting up anyway." ~ ARC

Iris quirked an eyebrow. She tapped a pencil on her clipboard. She adjusted the monocle she had 'borrowed' from Hound.

"So...you're…. _Taiyang Xiao-Long?_ Sorry, am I saying that right? I'm not good with traditional Mistralian names." It was kind of a shame that she never learned proper pronunciations when she was stationed in Mistral by the cul—er…  _the White Fang._

"No, no, it's fine. No one really pronounces my name right, anyway." The blond laughed.

Iris studied Yang (and Ruby)'s dad with a skeptical eye. Taiyang Xiao-Long was a normal-looking man. He was of normal height. Normal build. Normal colors. Oh, sure, he was handsome—but in that generic normal supermodel way.

And he was scratching his cheek self-consciously. Oh, wait—he just yawned.

Iris had to confess. She didn't see how this guy managed to get in bed with not one but  _two_ of the most powerful Huntresses of their time and, as a direct result, managed to produce two of the most powerful Huntresses of  _all_ time.

Taiyang sunk into his chair. He yawned again. He scratched his cheek.

Huh. Maybe what they say was true. Genes really  _did_ skip a generation.

Iris looked down at her clipboard.

She was pretending to look professional.

"Right. You know how this goes. Parent-teacher conferences. They aren't really  _difficult to get,_ eh? Any questions before we start?"

"Uh, yeah…" Taiyang pointed behind Iris. "What's the kid doing here?"

Neo decided that the appropriate response to Taiyang was an expression that promised murder and a middle finger.

"She's my...uh, teaching assistant. Neo, Taiyang. Taiyang, Neo."

Iris scribbled on a piece of paper and ripped it out of her clipboard. She showed it to Neo. ' _DONT RUIN THIS ONE.'_

"Oh, and she's twenty-one."

"Really?"

"Really. She's sensitive about that. Try not to push her buttons."

Iris couldn't deal with another attempted murder. She was already holding out hope that the parents didn't call the authorities on the basis that no one  _actually_ got murdered.

"Anyway," Iris said. She cleared her throat. "Ruby and Yang…"

"Oh, how  _are_ they doing?" Taiyang leaned forward. "Sorry, sorry. It's just...I can't trust Yang most of the time and Ruby  _still_ can't use a scroll—or maybe she just doesn't want to learn."

"Well—I can only talk about... _History..._ professors, uh...professors aren't really supposed to get into their students' private lives." Iris found their report cards. "But they're good—Ruby's ali—I mean, Ruby is an exceptionally  _lively_ young girl. I'm sure, one day, she'll go down in history as a great Huntress—someone who changed the world."

"Please—don't speak in past-tense. We don't know for sure. No one's from the future, after all." Taiyang chuckled.

"Haha...ha," Iris managed. "Yang is compulsive. She's a good fighter and she usually takes things head on. I think she thinks she's at the top of the world, right now."

"She takes after me," Taiyang said softly. He looked at Iris. "Don't go too hard on her. She's a great ki—"

"Oh, I never said any of those things were  _bad_ things." Iris hummed nonchalantly. "In fact, I say it's better than the opposite—a Yang who uses logic and common sense so things  _make_ sense. A Yang who avoids things that hurt. A Yang who doesn't believe in the world anymore."

"...You're a pessimist, aren't you? Of course, you're right, Professor Amitola—but I really doubt Yang will ever end up like that."

* * *

_ryoko (4:51 p.m): look Hound it's just common sense._

_Hound (4:51 p.m): I hate sudoku puzzles. You never used to do sudoku puzzles. Why are you making me do a sudoku puzzle? Keep the stupid logic to yourself._

_ryoko (4:53 p.m): i thought you were smart._

…

_Hound (4:55 p.m): ...I'll do the sudoku puzzle. You know me too well._

_Hound (4:55 p.m): This is stupid. When did logic and common sense ever exist in the real world?_

_ryoko (4:56 p.m): that's why I like sudoku puzzles. duh._

_Hound (4:57 p.m): Ah, the orderly life—how I've missed it._

_ryoko (4:59 p.m): btw, we're coming back tonight. throw us a party._

_Hound (4:59 p.m): Don't be ridiculous. The only thing we're going to throw you is paperwork._

* * *

"...And for Yang, she doesn't show much outstanding interest for ' _History'_ —no, there was definitely no reason History was in quotes—"

Finally,  _finally_ a red portal zapped into existence behind Taiyang. Neo tensed, her hand searching for her umbrella. Raven Branwen, in true former-cult leader glory, walked out of the portal.

"Raven?!" Taiyang leaped out of his seat. He pointed a finger at her. "W-W-Wha—"

Raven smacked Taiyang with a stack of papers. "Trust me," she growled, "I don't want to be here."

Iris grinned and waved. "Hi!"

* * *

"I  _would_ say it's good to be back, but it's Beacon we're talking about. Who'd say that about  _Beacon?"_ Ryoko monologued. She followed Moon off their airship. "I mean—bad stuff happened at Beacon."

"But you don't remember what," Moon said flatly.

"But I don't remember what," Ryoko confirmed. She tapped her head. "Don't worry, I don't remember much of the good stuff either." She frowned. "Don't tell Hound."

"Hrm…" Moon tilted her head. "Ryoko? Are we supposed to be accosted by guards? Did you do that?"

"Um...no." Ryoko followed Moon's line of sight. Atlesian Knights were running in their direction. "But I'm going to assume the fact that we walked out of a stolen Schnee airship had something to do with that."

"But...It  _wasn't_  stolen," Moon argued. "I own it."

"I don't think the law agrees with you." Ryoko pulled out her scroll. "Wait—just distract them for a little bit, okay? I'm sure I can work something out—for one,  _Hound was supposed to meet us here!"_ Ryoko punched in her password, all fifty-one randomized letters. "I'm going to kill her…"

"Hrm...If I recall, you make that threat on most  _good days._ " Moon sheathed her rapier.

Ryoko looked up from her scroll. "Moon! I said  _distract_ the Atlesian Knights—not  _murder_  them!"

Moon crushed a disembodied head under her foot. She kicked an Atlesian Knight across the field.

"You did?"

"I did."

"My sincere apologies."

* * *

Iris propped herself up on an elbow. "No, seriously. I need your information. I  _know_ you have your pride and, trust me, I know it  _really_ well—but I'm trying to make the best of my situation here. Ever since I found out that your cul—"

"Not. A. Cult." Raven said through gritted teeth.

"Ever since I found out that your not-a-cult cul—"

Raven facepalmed. She grumbled curses under her breath.

"—t was actually an  _information network,_ I've been trying to figure out all the  _informants._ " Iris glanced at the door. Neo was gone. "But—and I had two of the best information gatherers in the world help me here—we couldn't find anything. Well, except for a bunch of  _doomsday_   _hippies._ "

Raven grimaced. "Yes.  _Those._ Unfortunately, one can't run a cul— _organization_ without having the occasional  _questionable character._ "

"I guess I should've expected that," Iris said, flipping through her papers. "I mean, Salem is basically a doomsday hippy's wet dream. They're finally  _right_ for once. Of course, the cost is just the entire world—but you win some and you lose some, huh?" Iris focused on Raven. "I hope the  _utter sarcasm_ in my voice wasn't lost on you."

"Oh no, it wasn't," Raven reassured her.

"Right...I hope we've developed a  _banter_ here and now you'll happily tell me who and where your informants are and how to contact them."

"You already know who they are."

"I do?"

Raven grimaced. "The quote on quote 'doomsday hippies'."

"Ah. I see. Sorry."

"I know."

"..."

"..."

"Do I have to fill these out?" Taiyang interrupted the silence. "Raven—"

"Yes."

* * *

"I can't believe you murdered them!" Ryoko exclaimed for the tenth time. She stormed through the gates. "Imagine all the  _paperwork_ and  _files_ we have to fill out now. You know how the Atlesian military is, with all their  _regulations_ and  _code-of-conducts._ "

"I know, I'm  _in charge_ of the Atlesian military," Moon said flatly.

"Yeah, but you decommissioned the Atlesian Knights after the war," Ryoko reminded her. "Your own words, remember? 'Non-sentient machinery will always be and  _continues to be_ a liability to the Atlesian Military. They must be stopped.' "

"Yes. The people accused me of bias."

"They were right, I think."

"I know. I can't bring myself to care."

They rounded a corner. Ryoko continued to fume. Moon was good at getting paperwork done, but she was downright horrible at filling them in  _correctly._ Hound didn't even do her paperwork—declaring it 'a complete and utter waste' to her time. Iris tried (she always tried), but her White Fang programming made every single piece of paperwork a long,  _excruciating_ progress report that occasionally delved into topics like  _location, time of day,_ and  _what socks she's wearing._

"Ryo—" Moon started.

"Don't  _Ryoko_ me, I—" Ryoko nearly tripped over her younger self.

"I tried to warn you," Moon said flatly.

Ryoko pushed Yang to the side. She stared at the small figure behind Yang. " _Neo?_ What are you doing here?"

"Wha—Hey!" Yang managed.

"Oh, wait—wait." Ryoko raised a finger. "I'm sure Iris explained this. She explained this, right Moon?"

"I don't know. I wasn't listening in on your conversation."

"Oh good—I hate it when people listen in on personal conversations—but, why, when I  _need_ someone to listen in on my private conversation, no one does!"

"Hrm...If you insist, I suppose I'll listen next time."

"Please don't do that."

Ryoko gave Neo another once-over. Neo glared—but then she was always glaring so Ryoko didn't worry about it too much.

_Neo (6:21 p.m): Great. Friends of Iris. Just what I need._

"I'm flattered," Ryoko said. "I'm going to assume Iris kidnapped you then." Neo's glare turned into a death glare—Ryoko decided this was a good sign. "Great. Now you have thirty seconds to explain why a VIP (Very Important Prisoner) is out and about, roaming Beacon, before I get to decide what to do with you."

 _Neo (6:32 p.m): I was ordered to bring the blondie to the parent-teacher conference. I don't know what the daughter of the Branwen Tribe Chief is doing in a place like_ this  _but I guess the divorce procedure in Vale is more complicated than I thought._

"To be honest, Neo? I don't know why I—I mean,  _Yang_  is here either," Ryoko said sincerely. "Wait—Did you say—did you say  _divorce procedure?"_

Neo nodded.

"But—both parents have to...Iris!"

Why was Iris scheming? Iris never schemed. That was Hound's thing.

Ryoko ran for the History Hall.

* * *

"...Well, I'm glad we got to talk," Iris said to Raven. "See? That wasn't too bad, was it? You just had to give me complete creative control for your cul—er... _organization._ "

Raven's eye twitched. She looked on the verge of jumping out of her seat and strangling Iris.

"Look, you have  _nothing to worry about,_ " Iris reassured her. "Really! Me and my team—we'll make Salem into a  _non-entity._  Just...sit back and relax and talk to your daughter."

Raven scoffed. She leaned back and crossed her arms. " _Please._ Do you really think you're the only ones to ever try to get rid of Salem?"

Taiyang looked up—eyes flicking between Raven and Iris.

"Nah," Iris said cheekily. "But we  _were_ the first ones to try and  _succ—_ "

 _Bam!_ The door broke out of its hinges and flew across the room.

"We've been sabotaged!" Raven jumped onto the table, hand going to her weapon.

"Hey, hey, feet off the table!" Iris shouted. "I'm responsible for those!"

" _RAVEN!"_ Ryoko flashed in front of her not-mother and slammed a fist into Raven's chest. Raven crashed into the wall.

"Ryoko! Don't sucker-punch my business partner!" Iris exclaimed, hands waving wildly. " _Manners, please!_ Logic, common sense!"

Ryoko froze. She put down her hand. "Sorry, sorry. I get too emotional, you know how it is." She added thoughtfully, "Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be  _Moon._ "

"Not fun, probably," Iris said quietly.

"Um...Should I go?" Taiyang piped up. He even raised his hand.

Ryoko whipped her head around. She stared at the blond. She shook her head. "Yeah, whatever, man."

"Dad—? Wha—" Yang's voice cut off. She stood in the doorway, frozen. Moon and Neo appeared behind her.

"She followed you, so I followed her," Moon explained in a fashion that explained absolutely nothing.

Raven pulled herself out of the wall. She unsheathed her sword and pointed it at the room. "You set me up! That's it, isn't it!?"

"What? Me?" Iris held up her hands. "I never set you up to be punched! That was completely Ryoko's fault—blame her!"

"Wow, way to throw me under the bus…"

"What? It's true!" Iris glared at Ryoko.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry I punched you," Ryoko told Raven. She muttered, "But you deserved it."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, ma'am. Let's have a fresh start." Ryoko held out a hand and tried for a smile—it probably (definitely) came off as forced. "Clearly, we got off on the wrong foot."

"You  _assaulted_ me!" But Raven sheathed her sword.

"Sorry, I uh...I mistook you for  _someone else_ ," Yang lied through her teeth. "For what it's worth, I'll pay for the property damage…"

Raven stared. "The property damage  _you_ caused?"

"No. Technically,  _your_ face caused the door to...uh,  _unexpectedly_  fly across the room and  _your_ body made the dent in the wall."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"It does to me. It's logical enough."

Iris sidled up next to Ryoko and whispered, "Do we even  _have_ the money?"

"I'm not sure," Ryoko whispered back. "We'll cross that bridge when we have to."

Yang finally found her voice again. " _Mom?"_

Taiyang blocked Yang's field of vision. He put his hand on her shoulders. "Look, I can explain—"

" _I'm_ leaving," Raven declared. She sliced the air—a red portal appeared.

"Raven!" Taiyang chastised. "You can't just—"

" _I can do whatever I want_ ," Raven snarled. She turned her back to him.

Iris, Ryoko, and Moon looked at each other. Gears began turning in their head.

Iris tilted her head towards Raven.  _What do we do with her?_

Ryoko frowned.  _We'll need her eventually._

Iris groaned.  _But I need to stay on her good side!_

Moon stared at both of them blankly.  _Hrm…_

Ryoko and Iris looked at her.  _What?_

Moon's brows furrowed.  _I already knocked her unconscious._

"Moon!" Ryoko scolded. "Look at what you did!"

Raven had fallen forward, her face planted on the ground. Her fingers twitched—a tell-tale sign of electrocution. That, and the blue electric waves running up and down her body.

Iris cringed. "Ooh. That looks like that hurts."

Neo went completely blank-faced.

_Neo (6:43 p.m): Great. She just incapacitated (unofficially) one of the most powerful people in Haven. We're all doomed._

"Eh. We've done worse." Ryoko tended to remember the morally wrong things she'd done in life. It turned out there wasn't much emotional attachment to threats, murder, or threats of murder.

Iris nudged Raven with her foot. She frowned. "I hope we're still on good terms…" Iris looked up. "But anyway, welcome back! How was your trip? Schnee? Ryoko?"

"Meh," said Ryoko. "I didn't get to kill Watts."

"I have no substantial opinions," Moon told Iris flatly.

Yang stared at them. "I—You just— _What was that?!_  Professor Snow just electrocuted my mom and you're all going with it!"

Moon frowned. "Did anything abnormal happen?"

"Hm…? I don't think so." Ryoko paused. "Well, not by  _our_ standards."

"Ah."

"Speaking of standards," Ryoko said to Iris. "Where's our resident faunus of questionable character?"

Iris shrugged. "Hound said she was going into the catacombs—something about 'finally getting stuff done around here'."

* * *

Hound didn't know how long she had been wandering around under Beacon. Certainly more than a few hours—but less than a day, said her internal clock.

She coughed. These fucking corridors were so  _dusty,_ dammit. You'd think Ozpin would take care of his super-secret vaults but noooooo.

Hound swore that everyone was irresponsible these days. Even— _especially—_  thousands-year old wizards.

So far, her search for the source of the floating magic orb had been for naught. Oh, she found plenty of  _things._ Among those  _things_  were a library filled with fascinating, possibly historically lost literature (she'd have to go back and collect some of those), a bunch of questionable corpses and skeletons, and the occasional rat or two.

Hound managed to quell some of her utter boredom by finding entertaining ways to eliminate rats. She was on twenty-two, at that moment, and personally, she found her rat trap to be the most fun. It was a meticulously crafted thing of beauty that only someone of Hound's caliber could've invented, a whopping fifty-seven step one-use trap.

And the best part? There was no one here that could tell her that her rat trap was inefficient at best! No one to say 'Pah, fifty-seven steps? Why not just kill the rat in one?!'—Wait, what was that?

Hound stilled. She pulled herself onto the ceiling—only possible because the idiot architect who created the place had clearly not accounted for disintegration and decomposition in the guideline material.

Hound might not have Iris's level of night vision, but she could still see the figure walking down the corridor—towards her.

Hm...What was a man of average build doing down here? With no torch at that? Hound didn't see any faunus features—and she was fairly certain humans hadn't developed night vision during the hours she'd been gone.

The figure paused underneath Hound.

Hound smirked. She leaped onto the figure. She wrapped Gambol Shroud around its neck and rolled off, pulling it down with her. For good measure, because you should  _always_ go for good measure, she stomped on his stomach. The man groaned.

Hound squatted by the lifeless figure's side. She poked and prodded it—just in case it wasn't as lifeless as she thought. She checked its pulse. Alive. What a shame. Hound grabbed its chin and turned its head over for a better look.

—Hm?

Its eyes were—open.

They were—glowing green.

Even after all the things she'd seen in her life, Hound found glowing green eyes to be in her  _abnormal things that needed explanations_ list.

"...!" The figure suddenly burst to life. It attacked Hound—by trying to punch her.

Hound caught the punch with her hand. "Nice try. Let's make his easy. Who are you? What are you doing down here?"

"..."

"...Better question," Hound decided. "Do you have the capabilities of speech?"

"..." The figure threw another punch. Hound dodged it—she was out of a hand. The figure—no,  _thing—_ continues to attempt punching her. It was quite a pathetic sight.

"Hm...It acts on instinct," Hound noted to herself. She dodged another punch. "Almost like...It doesn't have sentience." She dodged again. "Like… _it's being controlled by something. Something with green magic._ "

Hound had enough and threw the figure across the corridor. She stood up, cracked her neck, and said sarcastically, "How utterly  _wonderful._ "

Hound paused. She watched the figure try to get up again and again, its blank  _swirling green_ eyes fixated on her. Hm… Hound took what she said back.

"I take that back," Hound voiced—she liked saying things to make them sound  _official._ "Brain-dead guards controlled by glowing green magic?  _Perfect,_ in a completely unsarcastic way!"

Besides, it wasn't like it was the weirdest thing Hound had seen in her life anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Ooooh...finally, things are getting interesting. Heheh.
> 
> Writing : www.p atreon / arosz
> 
> Toodles, see ya next time! ~ Aros


	12. A lesson on what not to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: RWBY ain't mine.
> 
> "What do you mean it's 2019?! I'm still writing 2018 on my papers!" ~ ARC

* * *

"Hound, what did I tell you about dead bodies in the bedroom?" Ryoko growled. She yawned and tried not to kill her longtime partner on the spot. Ryoko didn't know how Hound was still alive—she had definitely tried to kill Hound more than a few times.

"...Keep them in the closet." Hound was crouched in the middle of their  _shared_ dorm, poking and prodding the body of some poor teenager that probably crossed her by sneezing in the middle of a lecture or something. Hound waved her hand. "Anyway, it's nothing permanent. We're leaving."

Ryoko made several attempts to grab her scroll off the nightstand. She got it on the seventh or so try. "Dammit, Hound. It's three in the morning! I just got back from  _Atlas,_ you know how much I hate that place."

"Yes. Well, everyone hates that place."

"Yeah, and nobody said we had to go straight to Mistral. I want a week or two to  _relax._ " Ryoko made a face. Ryoko knew that Hound knew that she thought of this whole time-traveling shibang as a vacation already. Saving the world was infinitely better than dealing with the aftermath and the rabid fanboys and fangirls.

Hound stopped poking the body. "Hm? Are you saying you would rather stay  _here?_ "

Ryoko blinked. "Here?"

"Here. Beacon.  _Beacon._ " Hound got closer with every word. The stealth master wasn't the team speedster for no reason. It was a huge advantage in winning arguments—massively huge. Hound scowled. " _Things happened here._ Beacon is a breeding ground for the wicked and the monstrous—do you really want to stay,  _Yang,_ or have you forgotten that—all the things that happened here—too?"

Ryoko flinched. She looked away and said quietly, "I can't forget everything."

"Good."

* * *

"It  _is_ kind of sad that Ryoko and Hound are leaving so soon. Right, Snow?" Iris looked at her scroll. Then she looked at the closet. "Kind of weird that they gave us a dead body though. What, is it a going-away present or something? I didn't know their morality was  _that_ screwed up."

"Hrm. I'm sure Hound had a reason," said Moon, though she was more preoccupied with putting on her very complicated, buckled boots. Iris didn't know how Moon did it, honestly—it took longer to put on those boots than the time it took to do a thirteen-step political assassination.

"Hound  _always_ has a reason for  _everything,_ " Iris pointed out. "It's just that most of those reasons suck."

"...I suppose that's true enough," Moon admitted. She stood up and opened the door. "Shall we meet them now?"

"Yeah, Yeah." Slipping her scroll into her pocket, Iris followed Moon into the hallway. They walked straight past the student dorms—and students cowered in their wake.

Iris blinked. She smirked. "Could've sworn I heard someone say 'Shit! Professor Snow is back! I thought she was fired!' or something. Must be a trick of the ear though."

"I provide the best education possible for those attempting to survive Remnant," Moon said simply. "It's their loss if they don't take my lessons to heart."

"Administration is on my back," Iris told Moon pleasantly. "Glynda especially wants to kick us out."

Unfortunately for Glynda, Iris had somewhat of a history of finding ways to stay in places she wasn't wanted in. It was only a matter of cooking up what the higher-ups wanted to hear—that Beacon was a viable and prestigious academy that totally wouldn't let anything  _actually harmful_ to happen to their students (on purpose, at least)—and presenting the absolute lie in a pretty package.

"Hrm?" Moon tilted her head.

"Yeah, maybe Glynda really was the only person that cared about anything happening in Beacon after all."

They turned a corner, avoided Professor Port (as it turned out, the students weren't the only people Port regaled with stories of his more youthful days), and walked into Iris's lecture hall—it was especially easy to do when the doors were still missing from their hinges and halfway across the lecture hall itself.

"You see," Hound was in the middle of explaining to Raven Branwen, "We couldn't be less bothered to take an airship—especially not a  _Schnee_ airship—across borders and into Mistral."

"Also, it's way more convenient," Ryoko added helpfully, "Just zap us to Mistral and boom! we save time, everyone wins."

Raven quirked an eyebrow. She had her arms crossed—though the appearance of a supreme cult leader that had her shit together was a bit ruined by the way her hair was sticking up in all kinds of unnatural directions. "I'm sorry, I don't see how  _I_ benefit in that equation."

"Well…" Ryoko held out a hand. "Humanity benefits, you benefit."

"Wha—"

"Hello, Raven," Moon said, interrupting the clearly failing negotiations. "Speedy recovery."

"Don't say that…" Iris facepalmed. Of course Moon would pleasantly greet the person she electrocuted less than a day ago.

Raven turned. She unfolded her hands and pointed a finger at Moon. "You—"

"My apologies. It was instinct," Moon said flatly.

Iris stepped between Raven and Moon—before things went horribly wrong as they tended to do. " _Anyway._ It's not such a big deal if you bring Hound and Ryoko with you, right? Why not?"

"Why  _not?_ They assaulted me—"

" _I_ didn't," Hound retorted, insulted. "I wasn't even there. I was doing more important things."

"All you did was find a corpse!" Ryoko exclaimed. "I swear people keep on throwing me under the bus!"

Hound scoffed. "It's a very important corpse, thank you very much. Fine. Figure it out yourself."

"I can't—" Raven pinched the bridge of her nose. " _What?"_

"Don't worry, it's in the closet now," Iris told Raven helpfully.

"What."

" _Anyway._ It's a favor, waddya say? A  _favor,"_ Iris tried. She danced around Raven.  _This is a horrible idea,_ Iris's brain told her.  _But we're not going to be around to see it,_ her brain added.

"..." Raven sighed. She pulled her sword out of its sheath. "I give up. You're all idiots." Raven slashed through the air—a red portal appeared in its place.

"They are," Hound confirmed.

Raven glared. "You too. Get in the portal."

"Me _?"_ Hound asked, flabbergasted. " _Me?_ That's  _ridiculous."_  She turned to them—all of them. "Can you believe her?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"No one appreciates my intelligence...Oh, Hound! do this important thing for us  _but…_ " Hound continued to grumble under her breath. She swerved with a flair and stalked into the portal.

"So dramatic…" Ryoko sighed. She gave a wave. Then she followed Hound through.

Raven gave them all the stink-eye and walked into her own portal—it disappeared after her.

"Well, that was enlightening," said Iris. She looked around at the mess that Ryoko had created and sagged. "The second semester is starting tomorrow! What am I supposed to do with  _this?_ "

"Have Neopolitan fix it," Moon said. She tilted her head. "Second semester...tomorrow?"

"Yeah, yeah. All the teams are coming for the Vytal Festival—you should know that." Iris paused. "Good idea with Neo, by the way. What's the point of limitless magical power if you can't use it to clean up a room?"

Moon furrowed her brows. "Teams…"

Like a woman possessed, Moon walked out of the study hall—stepping over pieces of debris and kicking away a few textbooks on the way.

Iris stared at Moon's back until it disappeared from view. "Hey…Thanks for the help."

* * *

"I need a favor," Moon told Blake.

It hadn't taken too long to track the rights activist turned terrorist turned Huntress-in-training down. The cafeteria was open for breakfast and students had a tendency to rush in before the new stuff was replaced by hideous rock-hard breadsticks and swordfish that could literally turn into swords.

Blake's tuna bagel hovered between the table and her mouth. She seemed to sink lower into her seat with every passing second. "...What?"

Moon might have noticed everyone else in the cafeteria staring at them—after all, it wasn't every day that a professor walked up to a random student—but she couldn't care less. Moon had spent most of her life getting sideways glances and strange looks.

Ruby jumped up and down, her hand raised. "Favor? We can do a favor!"

Moon ignored Ruby. She focused on Blake. "I require a comprehensive list and record of all participants of the Vytal Festival,  _in five minutes._ "

Blake choked. "Tha-That's only in the  _Academy Records._  The records are—"

"Illegal!" Weiss exclaimed shrilly. "Getting that information is illegal!"

It was then that Moon realized that maybe Blake wasn't the best replacement for Hound after all. If Hound had been at Beacon, she'd be the first person Moon went to for information-gathering activities that uh... _skewed toward the unlawful side._

"The world depends on it," Moon said lamely—that excuse was getting old, she thought.

Team RWBY only gave her weird and confused looks. Was it too hard to swallow? Why didn't anyone ever believe the world was ending?

"Fine," Moon said, "I suppose I'll ask Iris." Slower, but better at cooperating—in Moon's opinion. It was only her personal hiccup, that she needed everything fast, which prevented Moon from asking Iris anyway.

"What do you even need that  _for?_ " Yang asked. She picked at her sandwich with a fork and she had a faraway look in her eyes. "Feels kinda redundant to me."

"Ah, yes, Yang," Moon said. "Your mother is gone—though I'm sure if you ask nicely, Iris would gladly give up Raven's phone number."

"Wha—" Weiss started.

"The bitch!" Yang exclaimed, dropping her fork.

"Hey!" Weiss said for the silverware.

* * *

"So you just made a trip around Beacon for nothing?" Iris asked Moon, distracted. "Neo—you put the door on backward. No—it's really  _not_ supposed to fit like that— _please put down the pointy pencils._ "

Neo glared and did as told—sending her pencil projectiles all over the floor.

Iris facepalmed. "No, listen. The faster you get this done the faster you can get out of here. Really? Really."

Neo threw her hands in the air, sending a gust of wind that brought the pencils back up. Her face was pulled back into a growl.

Moon continued, "Yes, well, I was working on the assumption that Blake would be willing to work like Hound."

"And lemme guess, that assumption was false?"

"Yes."

"Moon—Blake used to be a  _to-the-last-note_ rule follower. Back in the White Fang, she was the one that did everyone else's  _report cards_ for them so our branch would get the best  _grade._ Which wasn't hard, because none of the other branches cared that much."

"Hrm. I suppose Hound's horrible personality has scarred my image of her past more than I'd care to admit."

Iris shrugged. "Looks like it. Anyway, sure, I'll get it done by tonight. What's up with this, anyway?"

"You'll see."

"I hate vague answers."

* * *

Moon returned to her dorm with little fanfare. Iris was staying in her study hall and Neo had been forcefully employed to fix the study hall.

"Hrm?"

To most people, seeing a reanimated corpse traipsing around one's bedroom and destroying one's properties was call for alarm. Maybe they'd run away screaming or, more intelligently, call for help. Either way, a lot of panic was involved.

Moon merely activated Myrtenaster and shot the corpse in the head.

It collapsed to the floor, shaking and shuddering. Moon shot it a few more times until it stopped moving. Green smoke floated out of the corpse's eyes and mouth and disappeared into the air.

"Interesting," Moon said flatly. She entered the room as if she was just coming in to grab something.

Moon turned on the lights and examined the corpse. It was mostly a charred piece of flesh, thanks to Moon, but remnants of brown hair and pale skin were still visible.

Moon's first conclusion was that the corpse had been Hound's idea of a bad prank. Her second conclusion was that Hound's bad pranks would be far worse than just a reanimated corpse.

This was helped by the fact that the corpse had apparently been using magic and Hound hated magic with a burning passion (mostly because she couldn't use it). Which lead to the question...

Where had Hound even found a magic corpse?

That question turned out to be less difficult to answer than Moon expected. She merely had to ransack Hound's room. Considering that Hound's corpse had ruined her own room, Moon thought it was a fair trade-off.

"The catacombs…" Moon said, reading an obscure post-it note she had found rummaging through the trash. Hound's handwriting resembled that of your average doctor—messy and infinitely hard to decode. "Interesting."

The catacombs, not the handwriting.

* * *

"Glynda! I can explain…?" Iris said, freezing like a deer in headlights. She set down the teacher's desk and nudged it in the right place.

"Don't even bother," Glynda said, tone flat and face desperately kept together. She held up a stack of paper and dropped it on Iris's desk. "Just fill out the paperwork and I'll handle the rest."

"You're the best, Glynda!"

Glynda jabbed a finger at Iris's chest. "The only reason I don't fire you and your loony friends on the spot is because  _Ozpin_ seems to think there is some use for you.  _Remember that._ "

"...Yes, ma'am."

"Good." Glynda stormed out of the lecture hall, mumbling profanities under her breath.

Iris faced her desk and sighed. She stayed there for a good few seconds—waiting. Then she reached for her pocket and took out a scroll— _Glynda's_ scroll.

Iris smirked. "Heh. Still got it."

Iris hurried out of the lecture hall. The CCT tower was on the other side of campus—which wasn't fun. It meant Iris had less time to do what she had to do without Glynda noticing.

Hoorah.

"Professor Amitola!" Professor Peach greeted. The science professor followed after Iris. "Huge fan. All of your students are so respectful and understanding! I'm telling you, they're always cooperative—it's almost like they're afraid to loosen up—and when I ask them 'what's up', they're always like: 'Professor Amitola'."

"I...see." Iris wondered which of her torture lessons had installed  _that_ sense of behavior. Maybe the history of dissenters? Or the 101 ways to kill a person on a busy Saturday night? "Ha...ha, thanks. I'm busy, so bye!"

Iris hightailed it out of there.

Professor Peach followed enthusiastically.

* * *

"Snow, you could've just told me," Iris said, a trip to and back the CCT and then to Glynda's office later. She tossed Moon her scroll. "Cinder Fall, huh?"

"I…" Moon seemed at a loss for a proper conscious reaction.

"Could've spared me an awfully long trip," Iris muttered. Peach had tailed Iris through seven hallways, three masses of students, the entire front garden, and all the way to the CCT until Iris camouflaged herself and started  _scaling the fucking tower_ in hopes of avoiding the Professor.

"No." Moon shook her head, like she was trying to get her act together. "If I remember correctly, the Academy Records holds many things—including when and where we can expect an arrival."

"We already know that. Tomorrow, at Beacon, right?"

Moon looked at Iris. "Of course, but why estimate at all when you can track movement. Better yet,  _why not strike at the source?_ "

"You want to get them…in...Haven." That seemed terribly inconvenient.

"No," said Moon. "Merely right before they reach the Academy."

"Oh, that makes more sense. Silly me—wait, isn't that in Vale then?"

"Yes."

"..." Iris waited and waited for Moon to understand. Moon didn't, or she just didn't care. "Okay. Moon, we need to sit down and talk about civilian casualties and property damage."

"Ah, I forgot about the property damage. That might be a problem."

"Um...Sure."

* * *

**TIMELINE I - FUTURE**

"I want a list of everyone that's gone missing," said Nora. She was hanging off the outdated CCT tower located in Beacon. "You can do that, right? Hack and stuff?"

"I've done some things," muttered Emerald inside the tower. "Just...keep me posted, will you?" She typed away at the old interface—trying to find a weak point in the system. It hadn't gone so well for the past 30 minutes. "Gotta admit though, not my expertise."

"I thought you guys hacked Beacon before."

Emerald made a face. "Are you kidding me? You really think  _Cinder_ had half the brains for that? No, that was all Watts."

"Grandpa Watts handing out presents to all the little kiddies." Nora snickered. "Sorry, couldn't help it."

Emerald rolled her eyes. "Trust me, I'm used to it. Mercury…Well, Mercury." Red popped up all over her screen. "Got it."

"I thought red was bad," said Nora.

" _Not_  when you're the one doing bad things." Emerald stuck Nora's scroll into the port. She swiped through all the missing students in the meantime. "You have no idea how many second thoughts I had about this. I was supposed to be done with this life—woah, that's a lot of kids…"

"Don't  _worry,_ it's for the greater good." Nora would rather not have tried to figure out the problem by cooping herself up in a lab somewhere in Atlas—like Jaune had. Hands-on was the best method, in her opinion. It never failed. "So is there a pattern? Does our serial killer like blondes or brunettes? Girls or guys? The tough ones or the innocent ones?"

"You sound creepy as hell," Emerald told Nora. "Anyway, no. Not that I can see, at least. The only thing we know is that they only hunt huntsmen-in-training."

"Ironic," Nora said off-handedly.

"What?"

"Hunting Huntsme—Oh, nevermind." Nora dropped into the old command center. "Hey, maybe their pattern is that they're random! Maybe the killer chooses the most random people possible and that's the pattern."

Emerald stared at Nora. "I think you're pulling strings."

"Funny. That's what everyone always says—but then, I guess they have their reasons. I made a few  _bad decisions_ in my life, after all."

"I can't judge," said Emerald. Nora's scroll blinked red and she took it out of the port. "Let me delete the data and we're done."

Emerald clicked out of a student record of a boy with brown hair and pale skin and began mass deleting the data from the last few hours.

Nora played with her hammer. She swung it up and down, side to side, in random directions. She never did have much patience. "You think the others will get suspicious?"

"About us hanging out? Oh, definitely." Emerald handed the scroll back to Nora. "I'm more worried about the authorities though. You know how twitchy they get with us former—well, you know."

"Ugh, do I." Nora rolled her eyes. "Sometimes I feel like living in the middle of the forest or something—but then I remember pizza and like, the  _internet_ and I just  _can't_."

"Agreed. Let's go—the sooner we leave, the better."

Emerald and Nora dived off the building and disappeared into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Next chapter is gonna be...mwahahaha.
> 
> Also, go watch Gen: LOCK (RT's new show), it's great.
> 
> I'm interested, what's your favorite thing about this story? I need the feedback for improvements! ...and stuff. ~ Aros
> 
> Writing Patreon: www.patreon/arosz


	13. This is war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: RWBY ain't mine.
> 
> "Do I look weird—stalking the halls of the local ShopRite alone with a hood on? Hm...probably." ~ ARC

"Where's, um...that fake Spring Maiden...lady?" Ryoko had to ask.

She stretched—teleportation gave you killer cramps, she had learned a long time ago. Ryoko looked around the bandit camp and vaguely remembered some second-in-command figure that got murdered in Haven or whatever. Every once in a while, Raven would mention the girl and say something along the lines of 'she was like a daughter to me' which, really,  _thanks, mom._

"..." Raven closed the portal and managed to look dignified avoiding Ryoko's question.

"Did you lose her?" Ryoko guessed. "Because, let's face it, that sounds like something you're capable of."

Raven twitched. "What is your problem with me?" she growled, exasperated and royally pissed off.

"She has deep-seated abandonment issues in the form of an idiotic mother," Hound told Raven helpfully—and not even bothering to look up from her scroll. "Though, to be fair, I don't think I helped much."

Hound was the reason why Ryoko had decided that maybe honesty wasn't a virtuous trait after all.

"Well, she shouldn't project her issues onto me—I'm not her mother," Raven said sharply, marching towards her bandits. She grabbed her Grimm mask off a table on the way.

Hound laughed.

Raven gripped her scabbard, looking like murder. "For your information," she said through gritted teeth, looking back at them, "I let Cinder Fall borrow Vernal—"

"Oh, that's even worse," Ryoko said, once she processed  _that_  sentence. "I think losing her would've been better—less stupid, for sure."

" _Let me finish!—_ so I could spy on Salem _."_

"..."

"..."

"What?" Ryoko said blandly. "I can't even think of a witty response, just...why?" It was then that Ryoko realized that was a pretty redundant question for Raven—she had a tendency to do dumb shit anyway, all the time.

"Well, they do say stupidity knows no bounds," said Hound. She closed her scroll. "Anyway, do we really have to pay service for service?"

"Yes."

"Sorry, that was a redundant question—I already rerouted Raven's connection to our scrolls."

Raven froze. "You did  _what?_ I pay for that!"

* * *

So the plan went like this—

Who was Iris kidding? They didn't have a plan, they almost never have a plan, and, in general, making a plan was a bad idea.

It was out of habit, she supposed, there hadn't been much time to sit down and  _make plans_ when the world was ending and you were only the most wanted people on Salem's list of 'people who got on my bad side'.

Also, really, what was the point of a plan when things went wrong 99.9% of the time anyway?

Still—Still—they could really do with a plan right about now.

"So this is a missile launcher. Do I want to know where you got this?" Iris asked, trying to strike up a conversation with Moon. She was having a hard time ignoring passerbys stopping, doing a double-take, and staring. Iris was a saboteur, a special-operative, a spy—everything that had trained her to be  _low-key._

 _Low-key_ was  _not_  bring a missile launcher to the harbor and sitting on a bench and eating pistachio ice cream.

Moon looked at her sideways. "Hrm. I borrowed it from the local arms store."

"Did you ask?"

"No."

"Ah." Iris looked up and desperately wished that the day wasn't so darn clear and pretty—couldn't this Remnant tell the mood?

"Hey, it's Professor Amitola and Professor Snow!"

Apparently not. Iris sighed and turned her head to Team RWBY—it took some adjusting her neck. "Isn't it a weekday? Shouldn't you guys be doing...whatever students do?"

"Nope!" Ruby said. She paused. "Well, Glynda would probably say 'yes', but we get the day sort-of off today because the students from Haven and Atlas and Shade are coming, so yeah."

Weiss harrumphed and crossed her arms. " _So_ we should be making the best impressions! Not...cadoodling off in Vale."

"What's the rocket launcher for?" Ruby asked, ignoring Weiss. She leaned over the bench and tried to get a closer look.

Moon stiffened—she jumped out of the bench like it was on fire. She lowered her hat and began pacing the area.

Iris frowned at Moon. "Uh," Iris said, turning back to Ruby, "Stuff."

A+ answer right there, good going, Iris thought sarcastically.

"Sounds kinda fishy," Yang commented off-handedly.

"Iris," Moon said, looking over the sky.

Iris saw the aircraft, knew it was the one. Sometimes, she really wished she didn't possess killer eyesight, then, maybe, she didn't have to see the license plate on the aircraft and  _know._

The timing sure was inconvenient.

"Alright, off, off," Iris said to Ruby, gently pushing the girl off the bench.

Iris took the rocket launcher—it was surprisingly heavy—and aimed it at the aircraft. She grinned ghastly. "No sacrifice, no victory—"

"What are you  _doing_?" Weiss exclaimed incredulously.

"Ruby—"

"Stop her—"

A few things happened at once, Iris thought. She—being the good saboteur and soldier she was—pulled the trigger, Ruby flung herself back on the bench, Yang reached for the rocket launcher, Blake looked surprised and just as equally horrified. Yang fired Ember Celica, knocking the rocket launcher off-corpse just as the missile fired from its nuzzle.

"Oh fuck," Iris cursed, watching the missile make a sad loop and skim the edge of the aircraft. The aircraft tilted sideways and began falling.

"Children," Moon spat, like everything in the world could be solved if the existence of pubescent human-beings wasn't a thing.

"You think that killed them?" Iris asked. She hoped the aircraft fell in the ocean instead of—y'know— _on them._

"No. Cinder isn't good at falling."

"Ha! Cinder Fall—falling, oh forget it." Iris tilted her head. "Is it me or is that the sound of sirens?"

"You shot down an aircraft!" Weiss hissed, "Of course there are sirens." She looked at her team. "We need to go—we can't—we are  _not_ getting involved in this."

"...were not supposed to get involved  _in the first place,_ " muttered Moon, royally pissed off. "...everything always goes wrong, because of course—"

Iris was surprised to hear the emotion in Moon's voice—maybe the past was really getting to her.

"Yes, shoo!" Iris said, "Really, go now—we're horrible and stuff and maybe you shouldn't be hanging out with us—"

 _Boom!_ She heard it—the aircraft crashing onto the Port. It reminded her of—well, it reminded Iris of a lot of things and none of them were particularly pleasant. She had found that the sound metal makes crushing together and the sound of metal scratching against the ground never seemed to grow on her, just pierce her ear in the  _most unpleasant way._ Like egg cracking or something.

Moon's expression darkened and she pulled Myrtenaster off her belt. Her face promised painful deaths.

Cinder Fall appeared from the flames in a streak, barreling into Moon and sending them crashing through a warehouse that Iris sincerely hoped was abandoned—they really couldn't afford to pay a settlement with their measly professor checks.

"Guess Cinder had a bad day," Iris said dazedly. "That is probably my fault."

Emerald and Mercury didn't look too happy with what she said. Though, to be fair, Iris doubted they could look too happy when they were walking off a fiery crash.

And—wait, was that  _the fake Spring Maiden girl or whatever?_ What was she doing here?

* * *

Moon thought the day would be a good day. In all fairness, she should've learned to never be that naive by then—the world was always out to get you, it was only a matter of  _how_ and  _when._ So then, maybe, she wasn't all that that justified in taking all her pent-up  _rage_ on Cinder.

But Cinder was a garbage human being and Moon held a particularly strong grudge against the Cinder from  _her_ world and never got the chance to properly dish out some revenge, so really she didn't care.

Still—Still—

It wasn't what  _she_ would've wanted—was it?

Moon pushed a steel bar off her chest and stood up. She scanned the room. The only exceptional thing about the bare concrete room was the giant crater that led outside—which wasn't there mere seconds ago anyway.

"Impressive. Most people don't react to crash landings by blowing the nearest person through a building," Moon said nonchalantly, masking her unease. Seeing Cinder was like seeing a ghost, though she couldn't decide if it was even worse than seeing  _her._

"Why, thank you." Cinder Fall was covered in grime and dust, still, she looked twenty years younger than the last time Moon had seen her—Cinder had aged horribly, during the last few years of her life and Moon took some petty solace in that. Cinder shrugged. "But—can I be honest?— I had simply been infuriated by the idea that someone would  _dare_ shoot down  _my_ aircraft."

"You believe everyone in the world is out to get you." Moon didn't ask. Cinder was a class-A narcissist, and like Hound had told her once, narcissism took many forms (though Hound was talking about  _herself_  when she said that).

"Hm, I suppose so. Are you?"

"Yes."

Moon didn't remember who attacked first—she didn't think it mattered much. She felt the urge to rip off her bandages, end it right there, but—

* * *

" _Nope," Jaune said, trying to keep his tone blase. He liked to do that, nowadays_ — _though Moon had guessed that everyone liked to pretend that they were okay, that ending Salem solved all their problems. "Don't you dare. You saw what happened to, uh... Cinder. That thing is killing you, from the inside out."_

" _..."_

" _Don't give me that face_ — _doctor's orders."_

" _Certified_ — _doctor?"_

" _Well...uh...heh… No."_

* * *

Moon settled for landing a punch on Cinder's face. Cinder staggered back. Her eyes blazed with irritation and anger (literally). Moon shook her hand—she made a mental note to thank Ryoko for those mandatory self-defense lessons.

"Argh—!" Cinder raised her hand and flaming projectiles materialized in the air. They honed in on Moon and darted for her.

Moon raced forward. She dodged the projectiles, sliced them with the side of Mytrenaster when they got too close. Cinder appeared in front of her, brought her hand to Moon's chest and blasted a fireball. Moon jumped back, pulled Mytrenaster's trigger and an ice wall appeared where she had been.

Cinder burst through the ice wall, creating fiery short swords. She spun and slashed, flames bursting from her swords.

Moon—well, Moon wanted to summon Mustard and finish Cinder by foot-stomp (which would've been very satisfying for Moon and utterly mortifying for Cinder) but—Moon had something to prove.

She summoned her glyphs and launched herself into the air. She aimed Mytrenaster, fired ice dust and then fire dust. Mist covered the room.

Poor Cinder, Moon thought unironically, it must be a bit difficult to take cover in the mist when her eyes were on fire like that.

Moon launched herself towards the fire. Her fingers took Cinder's face and she pinned Cinder to the wall. Cinder made muffled indignant sounds under Moon's gloved hands.

"You have no idea," Moon said flatly, "How much I would enjoy killing you."

Cinder's eyes widened and the building exploded.

* * *

"Emerald! Uh...it's been a while! We hang out in the Was-a-Bad-Guy-But-the-Power-of-Friendship-Won-Us-Over-In-the-End group chat with Neo and Nora? Look, I don't want to hurt you because that would  _really_ damage the group chat treaty and stuff (one of the rules was 'no killing each other' so…)"

It was fun teasing Emerald, Iris realized—she flipped the girl over her head—especially when Iris didn't even have to worry about getting mutilated or burned, which was a nice bonus.

Yang blasted pass her, being chased by Vernal—and she demanded, "What the hell?"

"Oh, did you hear that?" Iris asked, avoiding Emerald's strikes, stabs, and bullets. "It's nothing, really—"

"No, who the hell has such a long group name?! I forgot it half-way through!"

"Yeah, we all regret letting Nora name the group chat—and, now that I think about it, anything."

"Shut up!" Weiss exclaimed shrilly. "I'm trying to concentrate—oof!" Mercury landed a kick on her and she skidded across the field.

"Weiss! I'll avenge you!" Ruby aimed Crescent Rose and fired after Mercury.

"Don't treat this like it's a food fight, dolt!"

This is getting out of hand, Iris thought, exasperated. Babysitting sucked. "Yang! Who's your mom?!"

"...What?!"

"Just answer me!"

"Raven—"

"Full name!"

"Fucking Raven Branwen!"

Vernal tripped and fell—it was super-effective. "W-What? No—I—no— _I can see it..._ "

Yang stalled and watched Vernal as she descended into a mental breakdown in the middle of the fight. "Um…"

Blake walked over and gave her a disapproving look.

"Look man, I swear it wasn't my fault." Yang gestured at Vernal, who muttered curses and looked halfway to a panic attack.

Vernal suddenly turned to Yang and bowed. "My deepest apologies, Lady Branwen. I was not aware of your heritage—I'll make certain to adjust accordingly."

"..."

"..." Blake looked at Yang, suspicious.

"..." Yang's eyebrows raised. Her face scrunched up in confusion. "...Eh?"

Iris stuck out a foot and tripped Emerald. She grabbed Emerald by the arm and tied them back with a wire she always had in a pocket (for cases just like this, which, Iris thought, happened way too often). "You, kiddo, need some serious therapy—because, let's face it, your parental figure sucks."

"What are you talking about?!" Emerald struggled. "Let go of me, Cinder will—"

Iris facepalmed.

Vernal continued her tirade, "My loyalty lies with the Branwen tribe—and your wishes are my command."

"This is getting beyond awkward," Yang muttered, hand on her hip. She tilted her head thoughtfully. " _But,_ that silver hair guy is being a real dick to my sister...and Weiss, also Weiss."

"Hey!"

Vernal looked at Mercury. "I understand," she said and shot off.

"Hm… Maybe I can get used to this," Yang said, watching Vernal land a hit on Mercury and he grunted with pain and effort.

Blake gave Yang a disapproving look.

Iris rounded up Emerald and Mercury, "Okay, kiddos. I think we can all agree that this has gone on way too long and that we—"

The building behind Iris exploded.

"..." Iris sighed.

Moon shot through the air and skidded onto the ground—Cinder stuck underneath her feet. Moon took in and let out heavy breaths, her hair singed and her clothes burning.

"You okay, Snow?" Iris asked Moon, eyebrows raised.

"...Hrm."

Weiss gaped. "You—What— _What?!"_

Moon looked at Weiss blankly. She ignored Cinder, struggling and cursing under her feet and making tiny fireballs.

"I've had worse," Moon said flatly.

* * *

"Her Grace! Her Majesty! Goddess!"

Salem's eye twitched. She looked up from her book  _Grimm Hygienes!_ and let out a long-suffering sigh _._ "Stop with the nicknames, Tyrian. It's getting...irritating."

"O-Of course, My One-and-Only Lady—"

Salem contemplated blowing up Tyrian's head right then and there—then she remembered, it was hard enough getting sentient followers, much less  _devout_ sentient followers.

"—Cinder and her motley crew have been...uh,  _compromised_ , Great Mistress."

" _What?"_ Salem demanded. She frowned. "And where, exactly, are you receiving this information?"

"Lionheart, my ma'am, he—well, he said it was on the national news when he retired for the day and sat down for some television."

"Isn't the good doctor responsible for our electronic surveillance?" Salem tilted her head. "No matter, show me."

Tyrian fumbled with his scroll and turned it around, showing an unflattering picture of a white-haired woman stepping on Cinder.

"..." Salem took the scroll and crumpled it in her hands. She seethed. "Find Cinder,  _bring her to me,_ and locate those that would dare ruin my reputation in such a way. I already see it—PR in ruins… _years_ of building trust and fear gone!" She tossed her book  _Grimm Hygienes!_ aside.

" _This. Is. War."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> :)
> 
> Writing: www.p atreon / arosz
> 
> Goal(!): 150 Favorites - 200 Followers
> 
> I need food. ~ Aros


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